Sonali Gupta is a Y18 graduating student from the Department of Material Sciences and Engineering. In this edition, she gives an honest account of her life at IITK: her struggles, memories and the lessons she is taking away from here.
Disclaimer:- The views presented below are the author’s own and are not in any manner representative of the views of Vox Populi as a body or IIT Kanpur in general. This is an informal account of the author’s experiences at IIT-K.
The moment I learned about As We Leave in my first year, I knew I would write one in my final year. Now is the time. This journey of four years is too long to describe in a few words.
So here is a glimpse of my life at IITK. I will focus less on my academics and placement; instead, I will share the thoughts and feelings I experienced on this journey.
I entered college with a huge list of fantasies. Unlike others, I didn’t want a branch change or a dassa. Like others, I thought maintaining a good CPI was easy, but I soon realized it was much more complex than scoring good marks in school. The first thing I wished for was a group of friends I could explore campus with (sounds a little immature, right?). As usual, the first people I met were my Amma and roommates. My first reaction after meeting all of my behens was “Yaar ye sab yahan bhi padhai hi karenge kya? Mujhse to nahi ho payegi ab aur padhayi”. But aisa nahi hua, campus ne apne mahol mein almost sbko rang liya XD.
So, female friends to ban gaye the but boys se interaction friendship main convert hui treasure hunt se. From the beginning, I didn’t want to stay in the room or miss anything, so the moment I learned about the treasure hunt, I asked every known person for a team. I felt, “Yes, finally, I am creating memories here!!”. That was the first night out of my life and at IITK as well. Some team members became good friends. We started sitting together. Our seats were also fixed in the lecture hall. We used to bunk class and go to MT then cycling.
Ab thodi CPI ki bhi baat kr lete h kyuki first semester bakchodi krne me hi nikal diya to CPI to kam aani hi thi. But meri CPI mere friend circle main sbse kam thi. Still, I was okay with it. At that time, I didn’t realize the significance of a good CPI. I always thought that even if I had a low CPI, I would figure out something for myself. (Try to avoid this, this is almost equivalent to playing with fire). I thought of giving some attention to academics (never actually implemented it). I used to focus on class but failed as I had stopped putting effort into understanding the concept. Nobody guided me, and neither did I ask for help.
Due to many unforeseen circumstances, I got stuck in the dreaded never-ending loop of thoughts. I also wasn’t able to communicate properly. I kept imagining and over-thinking past conversations and events and used to wallow in what could’ve happened had I acted differently. Most of my time went into this since these imaginary conversations made me happy, hindering my focus on academics.
After that, I joined Techkriti as a Junior Executive in the second semester with some friends. At that time, I knew I needed to focus on my studies. Still, since it was a good opportunity to spend time with friends, my priorities shifted (again, a mistake).
But something unexpected happened during that fest, which disturbed me like hell. I was behaving normally, but I was overthinking and crying. I found no sense in anything. I still remember I was praying just to pass two of the courses. The only fear I had at that time was how would I face my parents after failing a course because I couldn’t tell what I was going through. I got three D’s in my second semester.
The first time I felt bad for my CPI was when I got rejected for Student Guide. I really wanted to be an SG. But this force was insufficient to drive me to study—my scholarship got cancelled the second time. My father needed that. I still remember what he said after that “mauj masti thori kam krlo, padai pr dhyan do”. I cried after that call ( and I am crying again while writing this). The only reason was that something disturbed me, and I was unable to focus on what was important. I couldn’t share what I was going through with anyone else (again, a mistake). Still, the only energy I had went towards behaving normally as someone interacted with me.
So the first year went by. The only good thing I did for academics in the first year was taking a summer project in my department. I still used to overthink and cry daily since the many things I was connected with disturbed me (and I didn’t even try to stay away, again a mistake xd). Even though I was drained mentally, I still did it. I also went on a summer trip to Banaras with the photography club. That was my first college trip. It was good in a way that I met new people (which made me happy in those days XD), but it was not what I imagined. First Summer ki ek important cheez to batana hi bhul gayi. I joined Prayas. I still remember my first class. I entirely focused on making students understand the topic. I had nothing else on my mind. And after one hour, the same thoughts hit me again when the class got over again. But I was happy that at least for an hour, I did not overthink, and at that time, I realized I needed to explore more to divert my mind.
With that thought, in my third semester, I joined the FMC club and Techkriti as a Technocruise manager; my friends were not there this time. Instead, I made more contacts with other batchmates, seniors and juniors. I would say my third sem was my recovery phase (After all, I am an MSE student :p). My CPI also increased a little with no D in any course. Now, I used to discuss assignments with people and try to understand the solution but khud se assignment nhi hote the.
The fourth sem was smooth initially, but a few things happened before the mid-sem break, disturbing me a lot. I am thankful for the mid sem and covid break for many reasons. I found myself standing where I started. But thanks to covid, meri CPI nhi giri lekin scholarship phir se cancel ho gayi thi.
Discouraged, I lost the sense of direction during the summer after my 2nd year. I didn’t think about my future and career and didn’t even prepare for internships. I had a preconceived notion that internship toh lagni hai nahi, koi project mil jayega kisi prof ke under. Moh maya se man uth gya tha mera XD. Maine kabhi khud ko itna underestimate nahi kiya tha jitna uss time kiya. Mai bss isi motivation ke sath intern mai baithi thi ki interview dene ko mil jayenge jo placement me help krega. But due to CPI and other factors, I didn’t get a chance to qualify for the interview round. I gave only one interview in which I got rejected. However, I did not feel too bad about this.
Your heart has its own priority, which no one, not even your mind, can change.
Internship session ke kuch mahine baad jab un logo ki bhi intern lag gayi thi jinnse mai khud ko better manti thi tab mujhe laga ki meri bhi intern lag skti thi agar mai seriously leti. Isliye main SIP me bhi baithi and isme meri intern shyd lag bhi jati but mai frequently portal check nhi krti thi jiski wajah se kafi opportunities miss hui. Iska mujhe kafi regret hua. I don’t know why, but I only wanted an on-campus internship. So I didn’t try on any other platforms. But aisa kuch nhi hota hai. Internship internship hoti h, chahe off-campus ho ya on campus. Haare hue mann se maine other platforms pr bhi try kiya but not efficiently otherwise lag jati.
Itni sari mistakes karne ke baad ab mujhe ye lagne laga tha ki mera main focus placement pr hona chahiye intern to lgne se rhi. Aur jo mistakes maine intern session me ki vo repeat nhi krni thi placement me.
So the first thing I needed to fix was my CPI. Then I had to compensate for not doing an internship and prepare for the placement tests. I did everything step by step in a planned way, but I lacked passion and had to force myself to focus.
The online semester helped me immensely increase my CPI like everyone else. And finally, till placement, my CPI was above 7. I even got a scholarship that year.
Coming to my third summer. This time I did a project in ML and got an internship through SPO mail. I took test series material from Prepleaf to prepare for analytics and did two courses too. Mujhe do courses apne credits pure krne ke liye krne pade otherwise meri degree time pr complete nhi hoti. I managed everything as everything was online, and I had seniors and friends to help me.
So, now I had CPI and many other things to write on my resume. Stage one of placement was clear. Let’s talk about the next stage now.
I thought I was focused on my placement until the news about “resource constraints allowed to return campus” came. I took this news positively since I faced a lot of network and personal space issues at home (main yaha khulke ro bhi nahi sakti thi xd). But when I heard the news of all the final year students returning to campus, meri heartbeat tej ho gyi. Bahut sari cheezein flash back hui. Ek umeed jagi un cheezon ke thik hone ki jinka laga tha ki ab khatam hi ho gyi. But dar gyi main khud se ki phir se focus na kho do kyunki pta tha mujhe mai phir se disturbed ho jaungi ab. Dar lag rha tha ki khud se iss baar lad paungi ya nhi? But I had no other option than to go to campus because of resource constraints.
I started preparing for analytics and consulting, leaving coding for obvious reasons XD. I talked to everyone jo mujhe laga ki meri help kar dega preparation mein. Kafi logo se bass isliye connect hui kyuki case study aur GD ki practice karni thi. Placement time par friendships test ho jati h and kafi achhe aur real dost bhi mil jate h. I am thankful to Wrishik, Samyak and Ayushi for their constant support. So stage 2 (placement tests) to dosto ki help se clear ho gaye. Maine software ke liye apply hi nahi kiya tha to companies ki list bhi kafi narrow down ho gayi thi. Test dete time apni preparation ko kafi doubt karti thi because aptitude ke questions achhe se nhi kr pati thi. But I practised really hard.
Mujhe laga tha ki meri placement day three ke baad hi hogi and main iss cheez ke liye mentally prepare thi, but again I was wrong. Mujhe day one hi survive karna muskil ho gya. I don’t know yahan days itne hyped up kyu hai? Days ke hisab se kyu judge krte h ki placement achhi hui ya buri. Itna hype kr rakha h ki day three tak placement na ho to insaan khud ko failure samjhne lgta h. Let me stop this topic. I can give a long lecture on this XD. I got shortlisted just for three companies, jisme ek main GD me hi kat gya tha. Dusri me Day 1 interview me. And un dino, din nahi hote the, ghante hote the jo aap ko kaatne hote the wait karte hue. So mujhe kuch samajh nhi aa rha tha mera kya hoga, koi aur company bhi nhi the mere paas but surprisingly on day 2 mai third company mein placed ho gayi. Meri saari behne ro padi thi placement ki khushi me. Everyone was too happy with my placement, and I was shocked to see this. I was also happy because ab mai relax ho gayi thi, aisa lag raha tha ki finally ek battle end hui.
I skipped many things which I experienced after returning to campus. Main disturb hui kafi baar but khud ko sambhal liya placement ki wajah se. Mai iss level tak disturb hui ki counseling ka bhi socha and maine decide kar liya tha ki placement ke baad bhi aise hi disturbed rahi to main counselor ke pass jaa rhi hoon. There were days when I felt broken. Meri placement preparation affects ho rhi thi and ye soch kar mai aur affect ho rhi thi ki mera career mere liye important kyu nahi h. Main ab aur disturb ya hurt nhi hona chahti thi. But I am lucky ki iss baar log the mujhe sambhalne ke liye.
I am telling this because placement ke baad mujhe yahi lag raha tha ki ye mera 100% nahi h. Agar mai apna 100% deti to kitna jyada better hota. Mujhe placement ke baad apni potential realize hui. But you don’t give one exam at a time in real life. Instead, you give multiple exams simultaneously, and you have to perform well in each of them to grow overall.
Since the placement battle was over, now I was free to feel what I wanted to feel. I was free to overthink just lying down on my bed. But placement ke baad pura December enjoy karne me chala gaya. Trip par bhi gayi. Enjoyment ki wajah se mental state suppressed ho gayi. Keeping yourself involved in myriads of activities is the best way to avoid confrontation with your thoughts. But mujhse toh yeh nahi hota. I constantly wallow over a problem to understand and solve it rather than find escapades. Yeah, this is a challenge, but in my opinion, it is the only way for your mind to be at ease and free of emotional baggage.
Coming to the last sem, honestly, mera bilkul mann nhi tha campus wapas jane ka. Mujhe ghar ab zyada peaceful lagne laga tha. But ye last sem tha, itne sapne the college life ke, and I wanted the swan-song for my college life to be melodious. Hence I went back. But iss time priority mental health thi, try bhi kiya cheezein fix karne ka but still, wasn’t successful enough. Cousin ki shadi ke liye ghar vapis aayi thi, aur itna jayeda hurt thi ki vapis jaane ka mn hi nahi kr rha tha. I still remember telling a friend ki mujhe wapas aane ka bilkul mann nhi hai, pta nhi kyu aa rhi hu wapas.
But after returning, kafi kuch change hua. I kept myself completely away from the people/things which had disturbed me. And luckily, kafi log dost se achhe dost ban gaye. Ek newfound group bhi bana dosto ka. Jo sari bachi hui cheezein rah gyi thi bucket list ki sab puri ki. The last sem was full of memories. My campus journey from Feb to May was full of healthy days, jab maine ek bhi raat faltu ki cheezon ke baare me sochte huye nhi kati. Thanks to Samyak, Anubhav, Milind, Kohima, and Ayushi for making the last sem and fests memorable.
Compared to my previous semesters, main iss baar kafi mann se padhi, concept samajhne ki koshish ki achhe se. Ek cheez realize ho gayi thi ki koi ghaav pe kitna hi marham laga lo woh tb tk nhi thik nahi hota jab tk aap usko kuredete rehte ho.
Overall, I enjoyed my campus life. I have many memories that have made an indelible impression in my heart. I am going to miss this campus, especially the night walks.
Kafi kuch likh diya and kafi kuch reh gya kyuki 4 saal ko chaar panno me nhi samet skte.
Advice to juniors:
Har koi iss age me kuch na kuch seekhta hi h but aap IITK mein aisa kya seekhe jo aap kahin aur nahi seekh pate? That’s what matters. Iss umar main zindagi jeeni bhi hai aur savarani bhi hai, so invest your time wisely. You should carefully invest your emotions in the right people at the right time. Whether it’s friendship or any other relationship, you will lose yourself if you put in more effort. If you put in less effort, you will lose the person (hence, maintain equality :p).
Campus me hum bahut si cheezein aisi karte hai jo hum shayad life me pehli baar kar rahe hote hai, so we are unaware of our reactions, isliye hum kabhi kabhi out of track ho jaate h which is totally okay. Agar raston se bhatkenge nahi to naye raste kaise milenge?
For my final two cents of advice, l encourage you to enjoy your journey and trust the process since everything will start making sense eventually. Also, always feel free to reach out to me for anything; I’ll try my best to help.
Written by: Sonali Gupta
Edited by: Mohika Agarwal, Bhavya Sikarwar
