Voxatire #1

Disclaimer: This piece of work is a source of parody, satire, and humor and is for entertainment purposes only. Said posts or stories may or may not use real names, always in semi-real and/or mostly, or substantially, fictitious ways. Therefore, all content contained within these posts are works of fiction and constitutes fake news.

A study shows eating insects might just increase your intelligence.

An independent organized study conducted at an esteemed lab, located behind the DOAA canteen at IIT Kanpur, showed that incorporating insects in the diet can improve intelligence and concentration levels to a great extent. “Insects and rodents are found to be rich in mood-a-phenyl, a drug which has been proven to extend the attention span of individuals and enhance academic performance, as well as include more protein per unit mass than most dry fruits”, says the mentor of the project, who has multiple photos of Bear Grylls in his office and chooses to remain anonymous.

Since the discovery, the hall messes, canteens, and cafes in the campus have taken up the task of deliberately using insects around food, hoping to positively impact the academic performance of students. “It is our responsibility to provide students with food that has high nutritional value and can help them score more marks, just as their mothers would have tried, had they stayed at their homes”, says Ganesh, as he picks up a big rat, out of the dal container in a hall mess, and dips it back in the delicious kheer. Even the food regulatory authorities of the institute have supported this new initiative, by urging weak-hearted students to take this with “a pinch of salt”.

Including nutrition in the diet has always been a challenge, and the Laukis and Karelas have proved that the curve is steep. As this new initiative was being taken up across the canteens, etc. – the students had mixed reactions to this; some of them tried to throw the nutrition away and even clicked photos of it. Most of them are now unhappy with their grade sheets.

After digging deep into the investigation, Vox found a separate lab, independent of the first one, testing on including cleaning fluid in our diet. “I once saw a researcher drop a can of butter on a table, which had cleaning fluid spread on it, and then picking it up and putting the butter back in the can”, says our investigator, describing what he had overseen. Given that a well balanced nutritious diet is so important in our lives, it’s encouraging to see a premier research institute like ours, put the funds and resources to such efficient use.

Also, do check out a sting operation carried out by one among you here- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qWmQPqtwdGU

If you have similar footage or photos, don’t care about your nutrition and grades, and desire to opt out of this diet scheme, do send them at

voxiitk@gmail.com or presidentsg@iitk.ac.in

Written by – Pulkit Deshmukh and Aditya Sonthalia