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For the 39th edition of As We Leave 2026, Ragha Shrutilaya, a Y22 student from the Department of Electrical Engineering, reminisces about her journey of ups and downs. Starting from hating the campus and dealing with her deteriorating mental health, to managing Unmukt, doing internships around the country and so much more. Here is a journey of courage, determination and healing.
Disclaimer:- The views presented below are the author’s own and are not in any manner representative of the views of Vox Populi as a body or IIT Kanpur in general. This is an informal account of the author’s experiences at IIT-K.
“Who am was I?”
This is probably what everyone expects from an AWL, but let me start off with a totally unanticipated remark:
My time at IIT Kanpur has felt incredibly long.
“Wow what an unrelatable sentence to say!” – I know I know, I might be the only person you’d hear this from since it was always “Kitni jaldi hogye na yaar 4 saal.”
But these four years felt long to me.
Long because I’ve had nights when I couldn’t fall asleep because of 15 pending assignments or my declining mental health or for dancing like a lunatic on the OAT stairs with my friends, or simply being in love.
Ragha Shrutilaya M.
IIT Kanpur, EE.
220850.
XYZ company, ___ POR, 012 Grade (the bare-minimum SDE prep made me respect indexing)
Not entirely.
This is MY story. The one I lived in my head, carried in my heart, and now wear as a proof of everything I’ve won and failed at.
And now, to you, my reader, I pour it all out, quite anxiously. I only hope you read it with an open mind.
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I turned 18 during the summers of my first year. “Yay, you finally turned 18!”
But you know what I was thinking? “Oh god no, I’m EIGHTEEN.”
Forget figuring out my ambitions or life plans, I hadn’t even figured out how to get out of bed without feeling an absolute lack of dopamine since day zero of college.
My first year was the worst phase of my life, not just college. While there were people all around me, I had zero friends who felt like home (acquaintances, yes.) or zero interest in “exploring” campus. I just had one long-distance best friend and nothing else.
So yes, like any human would, I hated campus. The reason was simple. It wasn’t that I disliked the people. I was just scared.
“Scared” would honestly be a euphemism after I request you, dear reader, to go through these three quick stories (out of many):
1. I was scared I’d get an F in MTH111 because I didn’t even know the course had classes on Wednesdays. (I didn’t live under a rock, I lived under a huge-ass mountain.)
I was short on attendance, had terrible scores on tests, and I didn’t step out of my room for three straight days after realising this. (Although I somehow settled with a very bad D.)
2. In our first year, none of us (the small group of 4 people) had any male friends. Zero. So naturally, we treated Hall 13 like some forbidden territory and organized a full-fledged sightseeing trip there after 3 months. We walked in, took one look around, got completely intimidated, and were back in our own hall within 15 minutes.
So yes, the all-nighter-biggroups-DOAA-fresher’s experience was never in my book.
The Hall 13 adventure (chuckles now)
3. I ran away after Book Club’s introductory secy meet and never went back (despite the kind efforts of the amazing coordies then), because my social anxiety took over my desire to make new friends.
People here moved so easily, talked so naturally, and behaved as if they had belonged here forever.
I felt like an intruder.
The seniors I looked up to felt miles away from me – people I couldn’t relate to and could never imagine becoming. I mean, when you first get to college, the only seniors you really know are the ones who seem to be involved in every other second club on campus, go on Goa trips with huge friend groups, and have achieved so much academically that you feel proud of them but also intimidated. (or atleast I thought so)
I was nothing like them.
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Human to human:
There are a lot of things we cannot control, but for the things we could – the only step that helped me was realising and being brave enough to accept the terrifyingly small rewards that came with consistency that :
“I’m not okay.”
And,
“I do not like my life. I want it to change.”
That and also learning to ask for help. (Thanks to ICS, what’s the new name again I keep forgetting?)
For someone like me, opening up was terrifying (also the reason it took me days to convince myself to write an AWL).
Yet every time I did, the seniors at IITK met me with a kindness I hadn’t expected. They invited me to their rooms to help me with ESC101, took me on walks around campus while sharing their own journeys, and patiently responded to my many panicked “What do I do?” moments.
At some point, I had to summon the rebel in me, helped by the fact that I am extraordinarily bullheaded. I started spending entire days studying in CC, attended classes regularly, and committed myself to becoming better, one day at a time.
I pushed myself to do things that once felt difficult. Spending time with the 5-6 wingies I knew, grabbing my “regular” Sagar (Lala, for you) Maggi at the H4 canteen, taking long walks around campus, just showing up to social events (barely participating) and slowly finding comfort in the people around me and with myself.
It’s cliché to say this, but let me burst the bubble – clichés exist because they’re true. With efforts, my grades got better, and slowly, I started feeling a little better too!
Not-So-Wise young Ragha realised something important then: People will support you, they can hold your hand, but ultimately, it has to be you.
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I won’t pretend life became all sunshine and rainbows after that. There were setbacks – loud and embarrassing ones but I knew better than to give up. And while I won’t list every achievement and happy memory I’ve collected since then, there are a few stories I’d still like you to know, ones that never fail to make me smile from deep within.
Apart from quizzes thrice a week (cries in Batti) and long labs, everyone finds their own niche in campus, some arts, some tech while others politics. For me, I’ve built my entire college life around these two things – Community and Empowerment.
This is an ode to Unmukt, NSS, RSK and Prayas – spaces that people often overlook. But I genuinely don’t think I would have become the person I am today without the people I met and the work I got to be a part of there.
Being a part of Unmukt was my Roman Empire.
Yes, I’m aware and I’ve heard it all:
“Gay club.” (as if that is an insult. sighs.)
“Kaun aayega event mein?”
“Yaar, dost mazaak banate hain if I were to join Unmukt.”
There was always noise, always skepticism. It frustrated me a lot at times but none of it mattered at the end of the day because surrounding myself with people who were kind (and very cool), socially aware (and very cool), emotionally intelligent (and very cool), and unapologetically themselves (yes) helped me understand the kind of person I wanted to become.
Two years, countless memories and endless lessons. Unmukt made me more confident, a better ally, and the kind of person whose first response became:
“Haan chill hai, we can do it.”
I guess IITK finally caught up with me. 😉
Finally, to the incredibly sweet sis guard who always smiled at me (never missed a day, mind you) while I spent my days off cramming in CC and asked, “Aur beta, kaise ho?”. Thank you, it meant so much to me!
______________________
Sometimes I look back at my journey and have a “Damn, so it all works out at the end?” (ofc SRK had to be right) moment.
What do you mean that this little, scared girl who could barely get herself to say “hello” in wing meets ended up in managerial positions – not once, but twice.
Funny how I went to sleep after Day 1 of internships with zero selections, heartbroken and preparing to start over only to wake up to an APC casually saying, “But aapke toh 2 offers aaye hai from Google and HUL. Aapko kisine bataya nahi?” (Also the day I learned the value of contacts TT.)
Funny how the person rejected in ITC’s final internship round – the company I had pinned the highest hopes on after countless rounds of interviews, got a call on Day “MINUS 2” of placements from a senior saying, “Aap toh cigarettes banane aa rahe hooo.” xD (Sorry HR, it was supposed to be confidential.)
Funny how the person who was terrified to move all the way UP to UP (dad joke much? :p) ended up travelling to Sriharikota, Mumbai and Assam all by herself for internships.
And the funniest of all, how “Sabke toh bade bade groups hai, mere dost hi nahi hai” somehow turned into “Yaar, tum bahut special ho mere liye. I can’t imagine campus without you.”
__________________________
I won’t pretend I have no regrets because for the longest time, I did. I regretted not meeting more people, not forming more friendships, not showing up to more events or clubs.
But then, this was the fig tree. No matter which fig you choose, countless others will always hang unpicked. Every life comes with paths not taken, experiences unlived, choices left unexplored and that’s not failure. That’s just the nature of living.
This is the fig I picked, the one where I learnt to be enough and proud of myself for not giving up. And I wouldn’t want it any other way.
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Finally, there are a few things I’ve wanted to say out loud for a long time now, and thanks to Vox, I finally can:
1. Never hesitate to ask for help.
I know it’s incredibly hard but we do not get a medal for figuring life out alone. To anyone struggling, you are not alone and it’ll get better (I promise and I am always a text away if you ever need help <3).
2. Never hold yourself back from helping someone (saanp mat banna ;)).
Life may feel like a race, but not against each other. It’s always us versus time.
3. Be wild but also kind.
Rise above hatred and societal conditioning. Privilege is just luck in disguise. Sometimes, all it takes is imagining life from the other side of the line.
4. Never limit yourself.
The person you are today does not get to decide the limits of the person you can become tomorrow but your efforts will. Keep going, okay?
And finally, I would appreciate if u stopped asking me if I’m Telugu (IonlyknowHindithiswellbecausemyscholltaughtit, jk! :))
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Throughout this entire essay, whenever I wrote “I,” it was never truly just me. So, it’s time to introduce the “Tu karlegi yaar, we are with you” people of my life,
To my amazing friends – Tejasv, Manisha, Auhona, Chhayank, Sneha, Ashutosh, Aryan and Aabha
To my wonderful seniors — Gaurav, Raj, Divya, Nishita, Mehar, and Rohan
To Palak — my partner in crime, my “yaar pata hai aaj kya hua,” my batti partner turned best friend.
To Tanmay — thank you, for so much of who I am today carries your laughter, friendship, hazaaar fights, “maje aayenge” adventures and love within it. Thank you for staying by my side through the good and also the bad. If not for you, most of the story I’ve written wouldn’t have existed <3
And to my HSS professors (Sayan sir ftw), thank you for making me question if I should have taken humanities and literature multiple times (although it did end up in a minor)
Finally, to Saurya I honestly owe you this because I wouldn’t have written this AWL if not for you.
And if you’ve made it this far, to you my dear reader – thank you, I’m extremely grateful <3
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For years, I kept telling myself: “Lights will guide you home.”
But IITK, tumhara tempo toh sach me high hai yaar, for you’ve taught me something even more beautiful:
“Lights will guide you home. But if they don’t, look within yourself — you’ll find home.”
– Ragha Shrutilaya M, IITK.
Written by: Ragha Shrutilaya M.
Edited by: Aditi Kesari, Saurya Singh
