As we leave…#28

Astha Gaur is a final year undergraduate in the Civil Department. Let’s have a look at her journey at IIT Kanpur and live the nostalgia and reminiscence with her.

Disclaimer:- The views presented below are the author’s own and are not in any manner representative of the views of Vox Populi as a body or IIT Kanpur in general. This is an informal account of the author’s experiences at IIT K. 

“जिंदगी का कोई हिस्सा हमे बहुत प्यारा होता हैं, हम बार बार उसे जीना चाहते हैं “

And undoubtedly for me, it’s my days at IITK…..

Down those alleys, as I traverse back today, pondering upon how to write this piece of article, I find my conscience confronting me to do justice with this at least, even if you had been so harsh and might have done injustice to yourself, please be a little soft and accepting with this article when needed. I too have many regrets from my journey, who doesn’t!. But with some achievements, happy memories and with passing time those regrets remain to be just a part of your journey. And yes, despite all those regrets I wish to live this journey again and again, and I guess that’s the beauty of IITK, you might have cried many times alone in your room, might have wandered alone and depressed in campus, might have sat alone on the rooftop feeling you don’t deserve to be here but still at the end when the time will be near, you are going to miss this place, those people and that damn room of yours to hell!

Kanpur, being my native place, had always been my childhood summer holiday destination therefore this was not a new place for me. Since I got to know of IITs and one being in Kanpur, I had always dreamt of getting here, and finally, I was here. Unlike many folks I didn’t talk to any senior about the campus, the life and customs here, call it my carelessness or my overexcitement which made the starting more suspenseful and thrilling. While preparing for JEE, I lost touch with all of my friends, Hard to believe, right? But yes, such was the level of my introversion. So, apart from excelling in academics (I guess everyone plans this here) and being a “core IITian” in the eyes of society (I will come to this myth of mine in a while) I also planned firmly to be confident and a bit extrovert.

This place has got so many opportunities, so much to offer, so much to explore, so much to enjoy that I was sure I do not want to miss it and to explore it as much as I could within my realms. I was so excited in the first GBM of Galaxy, raising hands in every event of dramatics, music, and arts that one of the seniors remarked “Bus ladki kitna karegi!”, but definitely this place was bringing out the best of me. Since I had participated in nukkad natak in my freshers’ night, so it was difficult that those people would leave me amidst the number crisis GH always suffers from. Unexpectedly performing in street theatre came out to be my métier. I enjoyed every day of our practice from shouting medleys in the courtyard, making impromptu dialogues in scenes, late-night chai, and paratha, to even those screaming exercises. The final performance gave me chills down my spine, almost everyone in the group cried after bagging the first position! Yeah, finally we did it and that was one hell of a moment I had ever experienced in my life. 

But then there were the times when I became quite afraid of my academics. I feared being involved with extra currics might affect my studies if I am not able to manage well. But trust me you never know till you give it a go! I came up for being the cultural secretary of Hall 6 in my second year and the fourth semester became a mess in the beginning with zeros in quizzes and single-digit marks in mid-semester exams. But more than that, Galaxy became a chaos, and with Veera’s parade, I saw my failure in managing things. I could have found numerous reasons to console myself, but this experience taught me much more than it disheartened me. It made me stronger enough to at least think of making a lemonade next time when life will offer me lemons! (Let’s put it this way: Next sem phod denge!)

And then came the real(*not reel) twist in real life when statements like “it made me strong enough to handle fuss and …..” remained just a statement and that girl who was so confident enough to “make a lemonade next time” till last semester was here again doubting herself if she can do anything else while handling academics and internship stuff. I opted out the options of every PoR I had on my platter, distanced myself from all my extra currics just to focus on courses and internships. I must confess that the phobia which internships, day 1, day 2, creates can be very disturbing especially for a mediocre person like me. So I decided to try my best for a research internship in the summer of my third year for three reasons. Firstly, I enjoyed structural engineering and wanted to explore it more, secondly, I never wanted to face the SPO sessions of internships, tests, interviews in short such type of competition again, and third and last ‘videsh ghumne ka sapna’ , C’mon who doesn’t dream of ? So a research internship fitted best to MY comfort zone. I tried my best, prepared my SoP, apping mail, started reviewing them through seniors, created excel files with all deadlines, profs, colleges to apply to, in summers only. (*A spoiler ahead* – Trust me I can spell all fundae to bang a good research internship, but no one ever came to me just because I didn’t go for any). Fifth Semester started and I applied for all eligible programs on deadline, woke up at odd times so that the mail could reach the professor at the right time. Sixth semester came, the time of people aiming for research internships. Till mid-semester recess, I had nothing in my hand. I went home, and I was so distressed that everyone in the house felt it. This is when I had some conversations with my elder brother and he made me face the questions which I had always been avoiding till now – to for once, stop in the flow, come out of your comfort zone and ask yourself what you want to do in life and if the answer is this then rather than being depressed, strive hardly till you achieve it and if the answer is no then take some concrete steps in that another choice. Whatever my answer is/was, those concrete steps could have been taken a summer later, which is a regret I might always hold upon. And honestly, this led to the most difficult time of my stay at IITK. Never had I ever found myself so confused, helpless, and distressed with thoughts reaching a crescendo, knowing that no one is going to help me in taking the final decision, it has to be my call. As if destiny had decided to make me my weakest in forthcoming days – rejections in every program, negative replies from professors and while people were getting an internship to different parts of the world, here I was still dreaming one with a confused mindset of “was all those efforts worth? do I really want it?”. As mostly that ‘One day’ comes in every drama film but Alas! In my case that ‘One day’ never came. I remember coming back from OIR office after being informed that I have been rejected, with tears rolling down my eyes as I was struggling hard so that no one would see me like this. I remember breaking down on the phone while talking to parents when it hit hard that I was going nowhere next summer. I remember crying alone in my room after switching off the lights so that everyone would think I am asleep. True that our mind doesn’t have a switch button to shut off the dreams one have been watching and working for so long but when you can be so close to achieving it one should not let go and think of other options when things don’t work out, which I think I did and a decision of mine which I will regret long. That semester was the toughest and undoubtedly this got reflected in my grades from constant SPI’s of 9.6 to 7.6.

I was fortunate enough to be surrounded by so many good people who always helped and motivated me in every decision of mine and thankfully saved me from that terrible mental state I was going through. This place can be brutal enough sometimes to kill you from inside but trust me you just need to GO and TALK to people, no one will ever get a dream that you are so disturbed or stressed out, you yourself have to approach someone to help yourself!

Finally, I decided to omit the option of a research internship, stopped mailing, and started preparing for the Engineering Services Examination in summers. All this might sound like “I took the one less traveled by” but is the road right or not? Future holds. The decision was tough, but life’s not about making the right decisions every time and while penning down this phase I realize that the dysphoria of ‘I wish I hadn’t done that’ has its own charm. But trust me(from a fourth-year undergraduate who is about to leave the campus) it’s OK if you choose some unconventional way of spending your “THE third year summers”, but be sure you are happy and satisfied while deciding it, things will ultimately fall into place, they always do!

After this intern dilemma, placement was no more a “don’t wanna face” situation for me.

I cocooned myself so much in my third year for improving my CPI, preparing a good curriculum vitae to get a good research internship that I distanced myself from all the extra currics I had been involved with or I wish to be involved with or the things I enjoyed doing. I always wished to perform in stage play but never went to because I “thought” that would be time-consuming, wanted to go for that one POR but didn’t go for, just to focus more on the plans of internship, and today four years down the line as I sit today to revive my journey the regret of letting go all those things I wished for and enjoyed doing, for the sake of courses and CPI is much much more than the satisfaction which those A*’s or those papers gave me. 

I will never advise any freshman to keep aside academics and do whatever you enjoy doing, academic is and should be an integral part of your stay at IITK and to manage it should always be your priority but please never be that harsh on yourself that you lose upon the things you wish to do and more importantly the real you while managing it!

How can I end this piece without mentioning my all-time constants throughout this journey of ups and downs? As perfect as I wanted these lines for them to be, more than perfect were those unproductive bulla sessions, Pictionary and trip plannings on the whiteboard ( I bought it with firm determination to use it productively😛), game of cards, sometimes much “not needed” chai in the canteen, late-night walks, and talks, unplanned trips, pranks, wait for those endearing bunch of people who would call me ‘Amma!!’, every interaction with them and the list goes on…. With them, I learned to deal with my introversion to the extent of being entitled as ‘International Relations of the group’ by my behens, sounds cliché though, but I proudly embrace it.

To be called the graduating batch of 2020 will always haunt me but to be a Y16 will always overcome this to miles. As the journey ended so abruptly and quarantined we became alumni I wish I had done my #last_sem_things sometime before, but 

दिल न उम्मीद नहीं नाकाम ही तो हैं,

लंबी हैं गम की शाम मगर शाम ही तो हैं !!

कौन कहता हैं सफर 22 मई 2020 को ख़तम हो गया,

ये तो वो असीम सफर हैं जो शुरू इसी तारीख को हुआ था 

बस साल अलग था ! 

भले ही कुछ और खास पल न मिल पाए ,

पर फॉर्मल्स में तस्वीरें यहाँ खिंचे या मामूली कपड़ों में कही और,

वो एक गाना, एक डांस, यहाँ हो या शायद कभी किसी मौके में कही और ,

बिछड़ने के लिए एक बार यहाँ मिले या अपने हज़ारों रीयूनियन हो कही और ,

क्योंकि….

हमारे लिए IITK, Y16 तो महज एक जगह या अल्फ़ाज़ थे, इन्हे जज़्बात तो यहाँ लोगो ने बनाया हैं ! 

IITK you gave me what I always yearned for – friends for life!. 

Damn! You pampered me a lot but on the same side prepared me well to face the real world. I hope that with the IITK within me, which I am leaving with, I will emerge one day with more satisfaction than regrets in life.

Sayonara!

Written by:- Astha Gaur

Edited by:- Hemant Kejriwal