As We Leave #9: Grateful but Disillusioned

Abhishek Savarnya is a graduating Y15 PhD student from the Department of Civil Engineering. In the ninth edition of As We Leave, he shines an uncompromising light on the reality of pursuing a doctorate, and the toxicity prevalent in the academic culture of IITK.

Disclaimer:- The views presented below are the author’s own and are not in any manner representative of the views of Vox Populi as a body or IIT Kanpur in general. This is an informal account of the author’s experiences at IIT-K.

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IIT Kanpur is a premier institute with state-of-the-art facilities. The opportunities for a student at IITK are vast, from exchange programs and sports facilities to clubs catering to almost all academic/non-academic interests. I have participated in the Adventure Club, Skating Club, Bicycling Society, Shiksha Sopan, Prayas, and Apna Skool. I got the opportunity to visit Europe for research and learn French and Japanese through the FLP program. I learnt swimming, spoke Sanskrit, practised yoga, and hit the gym.

I feel honoured to experience different festivals celebrated by various (Odiya, Telugu, Marathi, Sikh, Bengali, Assamese) communities. I have enjoyed ravishing fests (cultural and technical) and listened to renowned invited speakers from myriad walks of life. Besides my professional research, the institute has provided me with the space where I routinely donated blood, learnt, and disseminated on multiple social issues (like spreading awareness for breast cancer, menstruation, socio-emotional understanding, and gender equality). I am grateful to the institute as it provided me with a fantastic place to stay and myriad opportunities to explore and grow. Through the institute, the city has become my home. 

Moreover, during my seven-year association, IITK stands out as a campus of paradoxes. I gained 10kg weight due to fantastic food. I got to experience academic rigour, benefitted from Health Centre (HC) services, and cherished the liberal environment where every student is treated as a responsible adult. I have seen, time after time, faculty standing with the students.

I also stand witness to 5 suicides, the maximum number of students expelled for not fulfilling academic requirements in 2015, unprecedented protest against HC negligence which led to the death of a student in 2016, moral policing served as the panacea to various issues from time to time, and power abuse in a faculty-student intimate relationship in 2021. Some faculty employ school-going students (from marginalised communities) for their housekeeping. There is oblivion towards inhumane conditions of workers building/running the campus. There are not adequate checks or counselling for faculty

The system needs tweaking. The faculty and students need to be regularly sensitised. The students need role models to emulate. Any act bereft of inclusion and compassion seems meaningless. I leave with the question, “What is the purpose of the Institute? What is education? Why should research be belittling?” whose answer I could not find or did not align with at this premier institute.

Further, when disappointment set in and the journey got lonely, or I rebuilt my prison into a pleasure dome, the dollops of sunshine bestowed upon me by friends and family kept me going. Hence, my journey embodies the saying, “Tu es, ergo sum”, meaning you are; therefore, I am. I want to thank, in no particular order, Prof. Animesh Das, Prof. H.C. Verma, Prof. Sameer Khandekar, Prof. Saumyen Guha, Prof. S.K. Iyer, Dr Amit Kuber and his parents, Dr Prabin Ashish, Anuj, Jagajyoti Panda, Monu, Darshan, Avinash, Mahesh bhaiya, Michalina, Heli, Sarobjit, Ajay, KRJ Reddy Sir, Sumit Bashera Sir, Satyendra, Neeraj, Namrata, Ruchika, Abhinash, Kashfull Orra, Subham, Manjur, Ankit, Sankar, Meenakshi, Ripunjoy, Bhupali, Summer, Mayank, Abhinash, Gaurav, Nirmal, Mohit, Anna, Atika, Surya, Pavan, Saurabh Gupta, Sant Kumar, and all my dear students. Each of them knows why.

Further, I share the spark that kindled into a flame and the darkness that engulfed me during my stay on campus.

The Light

Just beyond the campus walls, I discovered a world in stark contrast. The campus is in a privileged bubble, ignorant of the social challenges (poverty, child labour, bonded labour, illiteracy etc.) lingering beyond the walls. I have been proactively involved in educational activities for students from marginalised communities at different organisations (Shiksha Sopan, Prayas IITK, Asha Trust) in various roles (like, teaching volunteer, facilitator, Manager, executive member). With a dedicated team, I transitioned all educational activities online amidst the uncertainties of the pandemic for Prayas IITK (read the report here). Presently, I am volunteering to assist 40 children (class 3-12) of migrant labourers (Ek Kadam project) in their education who are first-generation formal learners of their families. It is no exaggeration that during volunteering in the company of the kids, I found meaning in life.

During this harrowing period, reaching out to counselling services took a lot of courage. And to my astonishment, the counsellors judged and gave unwanted suggestions with unprofessional insensitivity. Yet, I mustered the courage to return until I found Ansuma Sir, who listened to my rambling and gave me non-judgemental perspectives.

October 2019

January 2021

The cost of pursuing a doctoral degree at IITK weighs heavy on me. I am fighting against a flow that others have shaped for me. I am not a pessimist but am reasonable enough to express my thoughts. I also have been selfish enough in voicing my thoughts, so please excuse my monologue.

I am a reserved and private person. It makes me extremely uncomfortable sharing my difficulties. Please bear with me since reaching out is always my last option.

With each week, it becomes tiring answering people about my graduation. My marriage prospects have been on hold for a year, and now my graduation is a constraint. With what certainty could I ask my partner to wait and fight for me as my family has been doing for so long? I would not like anyone else to get tired; tired because of my journey. My father will retire, and I can no longer delay overseeing the construction of our house. Is this only my journey, and at what cost? Family is the only particular reason that I endure each day.

I need to be more confident, directed, intelligent, and capable of either research, writing, or other academic work. Being ambitious seems audacious to me at 32 years of age. I am saddened by the state I am in due to this journey. I have lost touch with most competitive exams, cannot fulfil “minimal criteria to graduate”, have insufficient publications to compete and have no confidence in myself. It pushes me into a state of panic every time I ponder over the uncertainty bleeding all over my remaining future years.

I have always disagreed with the normalised notion that “personal and academic should be kept separate”. I do not concur with this coming from the faculty. This has been reiterated time and often in my department. Often, I have been stopped from voicing my struggles when I reached a tipping point of withholding it. I cannot fathom the sort of “national resource” I will become; if I am shattered from within.

It has been two years now that I have been wasting institute resources. I have also “wasted 90% of my work” during these years. I have been sieving sacks of aggregates and performing mix design for weeks and have yet to have a concrete plan. Equipment and material constraints have always led to months of lonely struggle. Research is said to happen this way, and I endure. I have been making sense of the work already done all these years, and clarity regarding completion still eludes me. I probably do not attach myself to the text for “flawless thesis writing” because the text (work) keeps changing. I have always appreciated the progress seminar and observed how it had become an eyewash in my case.

It would have been a fruitful journey if there had been an advisor (to listen to all) besides a supervisor. I expect not everyone to understand but my teachers to be compassionate and considerate because they have guided many people on this harrowing road. I feel uneasy about rushing and losing patience, but I am also still determining what I would magically learn here that I could not in 7 years. My dream of a career in academics seems fleeting too.

I am tired, saturated, getting dumber and probably in a deadlock since I have lost faith in myself and my supervisor in me. I request someone to help me out of this, not one-on-one but through a group meeting. I wish to have that gleam of certainty through mutual discussion to hang on till I graduate. One struggle at a time, for I know it will not be a cakewalk even after graduation.

February 2022

I do not know if I am depressed, but I am confident of being extensively stressed. More than encouraging words from friends and well-wishers are needed. It feels like being trapped in a vicious tunnel with no light. I could keep moving, struggling, shouting, lighting a flame, but the vastness of the dark tunnel overwhelms me. A silent, lonely, dark place where I lose myself, trickle by a trickle. Is it better to end it all even for that? I have no courage, though I prefer it to happen organically. It would be a relief to this impasse. Taking agency of the self is a herculean task. Indecisiveness begets uncertainty and corrupts the vision altogether. Self-doubt and helplessness linger in my existence. Questions of meaningless; arise, scratch, provoke and deepens the expanse of the crisis. Being sensitive is a curse to the whole imbroglio. Being down will not get anything done, nor is pretending to be carefree or happy. The only option in sight is struggle, pain, and sorrow since quitting the battlefield is not in scope. The bearing of the trauma for the hope of finding the exit comes at a cost, and in light of the present situation, that cost cannot be justified. The accumulation of cortisol is at its brink. Time tick-tocks away as the whole exercise of the breakdown of self happens. I am confident when I overcome this, I won’t be happy, for the journey matters more than the result.

January 2023

Heartbreak, financial debt, and no house built. Let me move beyond the campus shores for a different morning. Leave till thesis defence.

March 2023

Clocked 50 postdoc applications. “Why you took so much time? Why a single publication? How many papers will you publish in a year?” Academia strikes back, and I have not much to say. Lost interest. Adieu academia. At peace.