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For the 37th edition of As We Leave 2026, Sachidanand , a Y22 student from the Department of Biological Sciences and Biological Engineering, brings us his diary of fears. From expectations to change and the end, among all these fears he talks about his smiling memories, as he recollects his past four years.
Disclaimer:- The views presented below are the author’s own and are not in any manner representative of the views of Vox Populi as a body or IIT Kanpur in general. This is an informal account of the author’s experiences at IIT-K.
Not long ago, I was contributing to AsWeLeave, and in just a few blinks, it became my turn to write one. In my second year, while working for Vox, I saw my work on display, and that led me to read a few AWLs. Each one unfolded a story, told in its own voice, from its own perspective. Reading a few of those really shifted how I see people. Everyone’s carrying a story, you just don’t realize how deep it goes until they decide to open up about it.
I think I’ve known since that very moment that I’d write my own AWL one day. While writing all this, I had a smile almost the entire time. It was like living it all again, feeling something that I thought had passed. But alongside the smiles, there’s a sadness. Looking back makes it so real how much we’re going to miss what we leave.
There will be no more space for our mistakes and mischief. No people to wander aimlessly with. No late-night walks that have no reason to end. No laughter that needs an excuse. No one left to force joy into ordinary days. Realising this made it both beautiful and painful to write. I am better defined by the bonds I build, the relationships I cherish, and the people who shape me than by my achievements. That is what I have chosen to write about.
After reviewing I realised, I was carried by the flow, as usual. Whether it’s reading, writing, emotions or nadi, beh to mai jaata hi hu 😉 It got a bit long, perhaps enough to test a reader’s patience. Grab some snacks.
1. Fear of Expectations
There were clouds in the sky; the weight of responsibilities made some of them heavy, slow, and dark, while others seemed unaware of the world they drifted in, melding together in love, while some drifted apart, staying true to who they were. They all are quite like us, aren’t they?
There weren’t many tasks to do, yet the little things that remained brought a quiet joy. After all, the past few years had been little more than a monotonous routine aimed at that one day and now, it was over. All that remained was the wait: the wait to see whether I meet my own expectations. Expectations born from restless nights, from the faith people place in me, from the desire to be a decent student, and from the hope that I have been honest with myself.
Results were out. The marks were not that good, but surprisingly, due to COVID it turns out to be decent. I felt relieved from some of my expectations. The sky seemed clearer, but eventually, it is still the clouds playground. Some of my expectations faded, and new ones took their place. The newer ones were bigger and brighter.
2. Fear of Being Judged
This fear is closely related to societal acceptance, validation, and recognition.
Who am I? To some, maybe I am an artistic person, a designer, photographer, cinematographer, editor… To others, maybe I am a nerd, a developer, ML enthusiast, computer bug, reader, casual writer, faltu philosophy jaadane wala… To some, maybe I am not an interesting person, serious faced, non talking, always angry, moti-buddhi wala gym rat… To others, maybe I became interesting or at least irritating, stupid doings, happy-happy, nonsense talks, joining stupid plans without thinking…
I know myself better than anyone else. I know both my strengths and my flaws. I choose to display my goods because I am afraid of my bad, afraid of being judged for it. To a certain extent, it is even necessary: it helps me shape discipline and personality. But in my case, the fear of judgment grew heavier than it should have.
I am writing about my fears to convince myself that they no longer control me. People may judge my flaws or dislike parts of who I am and that is their right. They can judge me for writing my fears but I will pretend not to care at first, but slowly, I will learn to truly let go and be myself.
This campus gives me a lot of beautiful things, and memories and the people are best. Always ready to judge, sometimes teasingly, sometimes annoying; and yet, somehow, still one of the best parts of being here. They made you realise who truly you are, how this world is and how to live in it.
Sometimes, be immature, to feel free. Be boring, and think deep. Be obsessed, to care yourself. Be unrealistic, to dream big. And be judged, to be yourself.
3. Fear of Being Excluded
Born and brought up on some outskirts of Banaras. Unknown to the world beyond my family, relatives, and school. I was afraid. How would life be without my parents, brother, and friends? What would it be like to live on my own? There would be no one to tell me right from wrong. What if people don’t like me? Endless thoughts like these crowded my mind. These fears stayed quiet but constant, shaping how I saw every new face and every unfamiliar place.
The First Night: After a day full of excitement and awkwardness, I met some people who called themselves my baapu, chacha, brother, cousin, etc. People referring to each other using some very inappropriate words after their first meeting itself. Sharing the weirdest stories of their lives. Playing games which I never thought would exist. Doing the stupidest stuff. Everything felt chaotic and unreal, as if I had stepped into a world that followed no rules I knew.
I was completely blown away like, what the hell is going on? Who are these people?
Now, I call them friends:) Somewhere between confusion and laughter, the fear I carried began to loosen its grip. The more time I spent with them, the more they felt like mine. I became more accepting, more open to whatever came. It was never about me being accepted; rather, it was about what I could accept. That acceptance slowly turned into comfort, and comfort into belonging.
I never realized how quickly they turned from strangers into people without whom this place; something we often refer to as home, would feel strange.
We did mischiefs, made mistakes, enjoyed doing them, and enjoyed facing their consequences together. In those moments, we were learning how to live. Learning what it means to care, to love, and to stay committed. Learning to share responsibilities, to stand by each other when things went wrong, and to laugh even when the outcome wasn’t in our favor. Slowly, without realizing it, these shared experiences shaped us; teaching us lessons no classroom ever could.
Maybe I feared missing out, feared being excuded, or maybe I was just curious to participate anywhere where I stood some chance. I don’t know why I was doing that. Whatever the reason, I am glad I did. However, I sidelined my academics in pursuit of everything, and that is something I am not proud of.
I tried to be everywhere. It taught me what actually felt like mine. Wherever you go, whatever you do, you will always find yourself included. You can’t do everything with everyone. Do what you love, and with people who do the same. If no one is there and you really love and enjoy doing something, do it alone.
So, do I still fear being excluded? I can’t be included everywhere but I can safely say I belong somewhere.
4. Fear of Change
“You have changed.”
It sounds negative, doesn’t it? That is the reason behind my fear. Change is often spoken as loss; as if becoming different means becoming less.
But change is life; a non-changing subject is dead. I am not perfect, nor will I ever be. And I am not dead either. So, the only way forward is to live; by changing into something better.
This place changed me. And that question began to follow me: am I still me, or have I become someone else? What truly makes me who I am? Is it my habits, my surroundings, or the people I grow with? There must be something deeper that identifies the real me.
I believe that there is a set of boundaries that define me. I don’t know those boundaries clearly, but I can feel them; lines I hesitate to cross, values I instinctively protect. They shift slowly, but they don’t disappear. Within those boundaries, I can change endlessly and still remain myself.
So yes, I have changed. Opinions changed. My perspective changed. Priorities changed. Expectations changed. But I haven’t lost myself. I am still me, and I always will be, just more aware, more open, and more willing to accept.
Now keeping philosophy aside, let’s talk about how this place changed me…
The tracks kept changing, unaware of being observed by someone who could relate. On my journey to Kanpur, I sat still, staring without really noticing what I was looking at, wondering how things would be. For the first time in my life, I was that far from my mother. Yet, I was still close to another mother, Ganga. Because of that, everything felt familiar: the locals, the climate, the chaos. There were no major differences.
The real difference hit when campus introduced me to people from different parts of the country; different cultures, languages, and mentalities. That’s when I understood how diverse the world really is.
I saw people with great minds, personalities, and nature. I started chasing them, because now I could. I could see what they do, how they live. Yeah, copying is my way of learning. I noticed changes. I felt happy. So technically, I was happy, because I was becoming someone else 🙁
To understand what I really like, I tried almost everything I could. I went to as many places as possible, picked up skills I’ll probably never use, started photography and filming, fell in love with books, tried different sports, got into the gym; so much random nonsense.
Some things faded, some remained.
What remained became a part of life.
Met many people along the way.
Some faded, some remained.
Who remained became people for life.
Endless memories made, endless moments lived.
Some faded, some remained.
What remained… became life.
My people: They shaped me deeply into who I am today. Throughout my campus life, I was mostly surrounded by the same circle. I wouldn’t necessarily recommend doing that; there’s always a small regret that I could have met more people. But the ones I have, I’m truly proud of and grateful for. In their own ways, they all influenced me.
They taught me everything. They taught me dedication and ignorance, hard grinding and not working at all, being serious and finding mischeifs everywhere, discipline and misarable schedule, and so many such duality of human behaviour. I changed, as much as my boundaries allowed me to. They made me and make me into someone who is better than I am.
5. Fear of The End
Sometime after a late-night walk and fun, when I am alone, far from the chaos, that sudden disappearance of chaos doesn’t let me sleep; rather, it pushes me into some hidden depth of my mind where there exists an ocean of thoughts; thoughts eager to evaporate from the ocean and rain as clouds in the form of words into my consciousness.
All these thoughts were floating somewhere in there sometime before.
After we leave, who will be there to fill chaos into our lives? Who is going to kick your door; not as a request, but as authority; to make you do something? Who will run, laughing, to help when you fall? There will be no one to join in your dumbest decisions. There will be no enthusiastic companion ready to burn everything down. There will be no one to execute that stupid plan.
As we ended something before to begin here, this too will end, perhaps ending for a new beginning. But this time, we know we are ending something which will never return. No one knows what is coming next but whatever comes I am sure, that would never meet the crazy, chaotic energy of this age, this place, these people.
And this is what hurts the most, not the ending but the certainity that these moments will slowly turn into memories, then into stories and one day into silence. We will move on. New routines. New people. New laughter. But never the same.
Perhaps the fear is not the end, but is of forgetting how it felt to be here; this alive, this reckless, this together.
6. Smiling Memories
I had already titled all of this as “Diary of My Fears.” But writing up to this point, they don’t really feel like fears anymore. Instead, I feel very light. I’m smiling at the past. It’s not that nothing bad happened, but who cares, as long as I can remember the moments that bring me joy? Some of them just flashed before my eyes, some I am thinking about, and some I will write down. I don’t fully remember the timeline but I will try to keep them in an order.
Bansal’s Birthday: We didn’t even remember each other’s names yet, so the awkwardness was obvious. Our baapu and chacha brought us some snacks and cold drinks. I don’t remember if there was cake or not. They also explained the rules of celebrating birthdays; how to take GPL, how nominations work, and all that. We celebrated, had a mini party, and some fun. It was the first celebration our wing had together, so it felt like a proper ice-breaking moment among ourselves leading the way to create a bond which now feels like a family.
Tech Meet 11.0: My first, and sadly the last, Inter-IIT experience. I’m not going to talk about anything except the phenomenal adrenaline rush before the submission and the immense satisfaction of submitting in the very last minute before the deadline. I was just a kid there among some very talented people, but I lived through the pressure. The pleasure of doing your best is far greater than any result. No one can truly explain a feeling like that. However it ended well, we got gold. It was only my third or fourth month on campus, and I was afraid to work with seniors, especially since it included third- and fourth-year students. But Deepak, Anand, Ayush, Harsh, Utkarsh, and Siddharth, you guys treated me so well. I will always be thankful to you all. Working with you changed my perception of seniors.
I would tell you there is nothing but only random talk (<3) below. I am writing what-ever crossing my mind. You can skip.
First two Antaragni: Now what different can I even say about Antaragni? 4 din, 4 raate aur der saari yaadein. Our baap wing was really active in Antaragni, so we naturally became active too. Kaam gadha majdoori ka hi tha (hospi), but it was fun as hell. Staying up all night, going to other halls, throwing mattresses at each other, fighting with pillows, interacting with many new people. No matter what the event was, we somehow ended up there in the name of work or coverage. Honestly, attending events wasn’t even as fun as all the random bakchodi around them. Did the color run in first year itself, aur fefado tak rang bhar gaya uska after effect aur events was even crazier. I can’t really write everything here, but I genuinely request everyone, you should live Antaragni at least once.
Growing Love for Cameras: I had just gotten possessed by this new photography obsession. We used to leave early in the morning just to roam around the campus; sometimes with Rachit or Pratham, and sometimes alone, all in the name of clicking photos. I don’t know who said it, but someone definitely did: “You see what you seek.” Vahi baat thi; jab nikle hi the khoobsurti dhoondhne, to pyaar hona to laazmi tha.
I fell for photography, and so for this campus. It taught me how to observe life.
Ab main do chidiyon ko dekh kar khush hone laga hoon; is paagalpan ko kaise explain karun? Hawa se phool hil rahe hain, aur maze mujhe aa rahe. Battakh kisi ko zinda kha rahi hai, aur main use dekh kar muskura raha hoon. Dhalte suraj ko dekh raha hoon, bas dekh raha hoon. Raat-raat bhar jaag kar photo experiments karna; meteor shower, star trails capture karna, kaise bhool sakta hoon?
I must appreciate Rachit; uske bina photography kabhi explore hi nahi ki hoti.
SSAC Level-O: Hum atyant hi masoom balak hain. Us divas ka smaran karte hi aaj bhi mere mukhmandal par vahi prashnavachak aashcharya ka bhaav udit ho uthta hai, jo us samay prakat hua tha, jab Hall 13 ke prabhari ne apni shubh chinta vyakt karte hue humse prashn kiya tha; ve kaun log the, jinhone D1 ke sabhya nivaasiyon ke samaksh aisi bhishan agni prajwalit kar di, jiski lapaten chhat se ja takra rahi thi aur samast vatavaran bhay ke kaale meghon se aachchhadit ho utha tha?
Durbhagyavash, aaj tak us bhayavah durghatna ke shadyantrakariyon ka koi pata nahi chal saka, aur na hi yah gyaat ho paya ki unke kritya ke pichhe kya uddeshya raha hoga. Durghatnaon ka kram yahin samaapt nahi hua. Un shadyantrakariyon ne hamare do band kakshon ke dwaar bhi tod daale aur unmein bhi agni prajwalit kar di.
Mere priya bhrata Sujal ne apne pranon ki tanik bhi parvah na karte hue us agni par niyantran paaya, aur parinaam swaroop kuchh dinon tak unhen apne samast karya keval ek hi haath ke sahare sampann karne pade.
GC: No one will ever expect me to write about GC. I always hated GC for its extreme Hall Politics involvement. Anyway, duality is nature of reality. In our time Galaxy, Takneek and Inferno all were held at same time. And the chaos created by it what I loved the most. It felt so tiring, so alive. We were introduced to many new skills, new techniques, entirely new field of study. We have to master it and compete to win in matter of few days and sometime few hours.
Met many new people, bonded with them. Explored Product, Consult, Finance, Photo, Film, Design. Learned how to approach a problem, how to deal with pressure, how to deal with people. And much more.
Ham study room me kisi PS pe lage hain, sath me char aur PS chal rahe, koi robot bana raha, to koi lakadi se bridge. Bahar aaye to basketball court pr drams wale chilla rahe hai. MPR me tagadi dance practice chal rahi hai. Koi presentation prepare kr rha to koi camera leke bhaag raha hai. Design wale abhi pen tool chalana sikh rahe. Koi stop motion bana raha. To koi yfinance se data download kr rha. It was a blast of activities. Aur puri raat kaam ke baad, vo aachar ke saath aaloo ke parathe, aay-haay! man khus ho jata tha.
Our campus have some of very great culture, like baapu-amma, GC, this extent of freedom, calling everyone by their names, lingos and many. They feel and indeed are subtle but collectively and slowly they get into skin to bring all of us under a collective identity of being a student of IITK.
GC is one of the best culture. Sometimes toxicity and audacity of some seniors make it unbearable. But this is the best way possible to introduce new people to the community and culture. And indeed this is the best platform we can give to new comers to explore and try different things.
PMIG (now Product Club): I have very little interest in Product, lekin PMIG se alag hi connection hai; again, not for place, for people. Bhaisaab, vo IME foyer ki raatein kya hi thi! Roz shaam 8–9 baje se subah 5–6 baje tak, battameez machharo ke beech, Utkarsh, Nishita, Rutvik apna dimaag lagaaye ja rahe hote, aur hum apni bakchodi mein mast hote.
Thoda timepass, phir ro-dho kar sab DOAA nikaalate. Wapas aaye, thoda kaam kiya, phir chai ke liye rone lage. Hamare leader bhi itne pyaare the, maan jaate the yaar. Ab favourite secy ko thodi rulayenge; hehe.
Bahut hi badhiya samay tha vo. Jab seniors aur saath walon ke beech thoda casual, unfiltered, aur family-type connection ban jaye, to kaam karne mein genuinely maza aata hai. As I said, mujhe product mein nahi jana tha, aur na hi mera koi objective tha, jaise POR wagairah. But out of all I can say: I genuinely enjoyed working for PMIG.
VOX: Socha tha English sahi karunga, lekin meri to pehle se hi kharab thi, to vo mujhe kyon lete? Isliye design mein chala gaya. Vijay ne interview liya, aur main unse hi impress ho gaya.
First year badhiya tha, second year me kuch samay kaam kiya lekin maza nahi aaya. Phir thoda edhar-udhar karne laga; sorry Atharv, sorry Manasvi 🙁 Jo kaam milta vo to kar deta tha, but pure tenure me kabhi aage se initiative nahi liya. Somehow, Manasvi knows ki mujhse har jagah design hi karaya ja raha hai aur main pareshaan ho gaya hoon, to unhone mujhe kaam dena bhi kam kar diya. Thanks for understanding. I should have confronted you guys earlier.
Here I was not honest to my work. That’s the reason I never mention anywhere that I belong to Vox. And for the same I thought I didn’t deserve to attend any of the VOX after events as some of you asked later.
There are many things that don’t work out but few of them do. That is how I know what I can do. Making my moves and keep moving.
CDev: No, I was not an official member. I took the responsibility of AnC Web in 3rd year. Before that I had no association with this council. So, I was lost there in not many familiar faces. Some known ones introduced me to new. Due to Aman, Krishiv I started claiming CDev as mine and generosity of Manya, Hritvija made that claim a reality. It all created so many fun and sweet memories. Such kindhearted people, they never let me feel I do not belong there. And it all felt very much like mine.
Phase when we were supposed to be serious…
Summer24′: Intern drive was about to start from Aug 1 2024, so some of us decided to stay in campus. To prepare. My profile was not extraordinary but decent enough to be hopeful. I ended with BSBE-8 but that time I was 7.4.
I know I will get very few chances or possibly none, so I gave my best. I was not alone, Rachit was with me in every lap. We grinded hard, together. We arranged 2 cooler 3 beds on floor for 3-4 people in one room. Sleeping there. Studying there. Laughing there. And mapping our future careers.
There were not a lot of people in the campus, and the heatwaves made the remaining stay in their rooms. So the campus looked almost lifeless in the afternoon when we used to visit the library. After exhaustive grinding. And so many OAs. Day1 was approaching so was the fear.
Shortlists was releasing one by one, each without my name. I was anxious and furious. But there remains a hope generated from the last 3 month grind. Sometimes I thought may be I should have focused on academics instead of useless skills I use to persue, useless activities I thought was worth exploring.
Intern Phase: Day1: Everyone was in formals, with some resumes in their hand and few interviews scheduled. There was me standing in tshirt-shorts, with some resume and zero shortlist wearing a happy face in front of L18. I was like a buoy in an chaotic ocean who just oscillates on his position, nowhere to go among the stormy waves.
One can only pretend to understand that feeling who have never gone through them.
Then I heard Rachit got DB-IB. I was very happy because I witnessed intense hardwork he did and it was worth. Bansal already had Google. Krishiv got Oracle. Prakhar got AmEx. And slowly sharing and celebrating happiness I forget my pain.
From summer itself I was applying off-campus. I applied everywhere, 100s of application. In matter of time Week1 passes then Week2 then Aug ended. I had zero interviews and rejection from almost every off-campus applications. On 2nd Sept I got my first interview, Media.net. Then on 8th from DB-Software. Both rejected me. Sometime I felt so broke. The only thing I had was hope.
During whole process, at first it felt very intense but time heals everything. I became use to failures. Later every new rejection was just a tea to talk and laugh about.
On 4th Oct on my way to Mathura I got an offer from Semusi. I was somewhat relieved. But not satisfied. Later I got an interview call from IBM. Had some round and in Dec end I got an offer. And with that, year 2024 ended well.
Placements: Day1: Everyone was in formals, with some resumes in their hand and few interviews scheduled. There was me standing in tshirt-shorts and hoodie, with some resume and zero shortlist having a happy face in front of H13. I was like a buoy in an chaotic ocean who just oscillates on his position, nowhere to go among the stormy waves.
This was the time when our people needed us most. Eventualy everyone came here is to secure some good job. Everyone have there own expectations. We did what we could.
Everything went well. I’m not gonna discuss placement lore here. Our story in intern phase was similar, pathetic, but Ashish got what his hard work deserves. Bansal 8th sem clutch is well known. The epic Karwa lore will be remembered too. Slowly more offers rolled out. And this chapter of college life also ends on a note that I can safely say, the year 2025 ended well.
The Last Antaragni: This was the first time it hits, it all is ending. Late night after Antaragni when I was alone, my heart murmured something. I posted it back then also and it goes like:
“Antaragni’25 felt like the beginning of an inevitable end. I am scared, the best years of my life are slowly fading away. Yes, I can experience it again, but I will never be able to live it again.
With this fear, I dared to live Antaragni’25 to the fullest.
Antaragni definitely brings some magic into the air, everything feels prettier. Calm mornings, artistic days, beautiful evenings, and crazy nights. Something is always happening somewhere. So, I saved the schedule and tried to attend as many events and competitions as I could (without dying). After experiencing all of them, I realized, “Antaragni: more than pronites, more than events. It’s the celebration of art, of expression, of life itself”
What did I get? Headaches, back pain, fatigued legs, burning eyes, a blocked nose, barely 3-4 hours of sleep a day and, the memories. Everything is temporary, but the memories.
Love you, Antaragni. The fire shall rise again.”
This was the first thought I got and I want to keep it as raw as it was then.
The Last F Days: Now most of us are placed somewhere. There is nothing much to do. Everything feels quite. As everything is saying to be free. To do something for yourself. To spend more time with friends. To explore the things which makes you happy.
I stopped saying no to any plan they made, as if who will drag me a month later. Sometimes we exhausted ourself as dead to feel alive. Somedays our schedules starts after lunch till next sunrise filled with continuous activities first badminton then gym, after that swimming, dinner, poker, mini-militia, again badminton, random campus walks, sleep and repeat.
I learned videography and editing, swimming, random philosophies, keep loosing in poker and badminton but I know I was wining memories, living moments.
Remembering memories is like initiating a chain reaction, my mind is overflowing with them. I can’t write about everything: BSBE peeps, FAC, Photog, how I get kicked out of DnA, why I never did InterIIT again, EC, Aerial, trips we made; Nepal, Goa, Mysore, Pondi, Mussoorie, Rishikesh, Deharadun, Mathura, Agra, Banaras…, our stupid 3am talks, random walks, competitions we did… tin tigaado ki saraaratein, kavi ki kavitayein, 4 footballers- 3 real 1 only with gears, naram-garam Manav ki last moment excitements, game nights, volleyball, cricket… there’s too much. Again, there’s too much. I will leave it here.
perfect shots are for stories, rest hold memories
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came alone, only to never be alone again
7. Before I Leave:
It’s not about living up to expectations, it’s about living at all. Life isn’t really about having a lot. It’s about being able to feel a lot and having the time to experience them. Because honestly, nothing we own truly stays. Stuff loses its meaning, the excitement fades, but memories don’t. Moments stay with us.
What we often forget is how little we actually need to be happy. Still, we keep chasing more. And once we get more, we want even more. That chase takes over, and before we realize it, we stop paying attention to life happening right in front of us. At some point, what we’re running after just starts to feel empty.
“The higher your ideal is, the more miserable you are, for such a thing as an ideal cannot be attained in this world—or even in this life. He who seeks perfection in the world is a madman, for it cannot be. How can one find the infinite in the finite? Although it is true that there is much more romance in actual life than in any novel, yet it is few and far between.
Bring your ideals down to a more practical level; otherwise, the result may only be misery.”
— Swami Vivekananda, in a letter to Mary Hale
Real happiness comes from being okay with what we already have, and finding joy in small things. Joy needs very little.
Thank you for being a part of my joy.
___
A heartfelt thanks to VOX for helping me immortalize my memories.
Written by: Sachidanand Navik
Edited by: Sparsh Maheshwari, Saurya Singh
