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In the 22nd edition of As We Leave 2026, Sonal Tripathi, a graduating Y22 from the department of Physics, looks back on four years of growing, stumbling, healing, and finding herself. Through her reflections, she explores the bittersweet process of letting go of old versions of ourselves and learning to choose self-compassion, love, and authenticity instead.
Disclaimer:- The views presented below are the author’s own and are not in any manner representative of the views of Vox Populi as a body or IIT Kanpur in general. This is an informal account of the author’s experiences at IIT-K.
Alexa, play Vienna
I am not sure who will read it, it might be my friends, a junior I gave some advice to, my 30 year old self on a random day in a now unknown city I will be calling home or my kids after they find out this treasure of words. Whoever it might be, it is only right I introduce myself.
I am Sonal, and as I write this I have turned 23 and I am aware how I am old enough, and have just left behind 4 unimaginable years of unforgettable memories that are trickling down my sunburnt cheeks, inducing pain on my pale skin and my oh so broken bloodied heart.
Why would I want to write my thoughts or experiences as I leave, why would I want to share it? I don’t know, maybe for another Sonal somewhere who is scared to death, fighting herself everyday for a validation — a validation from everyone but her own being, or for a Sonal who has grown into someone who loves herself and has learnt to derive validation from her own self and is content like never before. I am writing it so that I can come back, remind myself that I was able to survive and that someone stuck somewhere will be able to do the same.
It has just been a day, and I already miss the freedom of rushing out my room to take a walk, to blast music in my earphones, walking in the middle of the road, jaise road mere “baap” ki hai, scaring the ones who were walking next to me for their life more than mine.
I miss myself, the one that is still there, she will always be there and whenever I go back I will find her, waiting for me, the one writing this, she will be waiting at the turns, the corners, at the OAT, at all the places I ever passed by. She is standing there with glistening eyes telling me that I survived it better than I imagined.
In these four years, I have lost myself, my friends, found myself again and found home in people. The process was obviously painful and filled with endless nights and days of crying, self loathing, self doubt and emptiness, with laughter, love and trust trying to squeeze their way in.
4 years is not enough time, neither are 126,144,000 seconds, they just aren’t. Go out of your way to do things you want to, do not leave them for when you feel better or when you will have time. If you see someone you knew in your first year, stop, talk to them, click as many pictures with people you can — that is all you will be left with, those faces will be the only memory you have and it is a gut wrenching feeling. I was not able to see people I wanted to for the last time and as I write this I wish I was not in a hurry to leave and just called them. Don’t let this regret add to your burdens.
My AWL is titled Unlearning, what exactly is unlearning and why did I decide to go with this title. Unlearning is what Indian Institute of Technology Kanpur has taught me beyond all the Physics formula I won’t be using anytime soon, it is this recurring somewhat bittersweet process of purposefully forgetting things, routines, people and habits you had learnt like the route to your home, breathed like oxygen and seen like the blue sky that is just always there.
One day you are sitting with your friends, just there and next thing they are loading your luggage and no you cannot tell them to run to mama mio or ccd when you are feeling low, they are not next door or in their hostel rooms, all of them are miles apart, they still maybe a text or call away, but no way I can hug them while crying, bully them or adore them when they are goofing around. I have lost this luxury, all of it, the one God bestowed upon me in the course of my college life.
I am not sure how to drag this thing in, but I will just say it. In my second year around the time I became an SG, I got involved with someone who was later held responsible for something so mortifying, it took me weeks of constantly running back to my room, crying till I fell asleep, calling the only friend I trusted enough to tell and he let me fall back onto him for all the support I needed.
During this time, my character became a topic of ridicule and public scrutiny, why? Because a thousand assumptions were made and I was not given a chance to even acknowledge anything, anything at all. But I got over it, and learnt not to give two, whatevers.
It definitely hurt like hell, I couldn’t trust anyone for so long and then one day I forgave myself for choosing the wrong person and stopped wanting a justification because it would mean nothing to me. I had to forgive him and move on and I did.
I have this habit of taking pictures of everyone around me, I do not care if they look funny, obviously they can’t be doing the same, only I can take bad pictures of my friends. I treasure these pictures because at night when I have lost all will to wake up the next day, or I am just not myself, I look at their pictures and replay the moments and I laugh, I cry, I try to remember what we were talking about and I feel better almost instantly. I am so glad my camera roll is full of people I love so sincerely and I hope these won’t be the only pictures I have of them.
If I might, some cliche sayings are true. For instance, stop chasing and eventually whatever, whoever is meant for you will catch you at the right moment. I experienced this during placements and at random times during the semester.
I have learnt to yearn and my oh my it is a bliss, to yearn for the friends you can’t go a day without, for the life you want and for the person you will end up calling home, yearning gives you this freedom which is so liberating. Choose the one who has enough patience and love to yearn for you, they don’t leave you, they stay and make you a better person.
I made a grave mistake.
A mistake that I will regret making for as long as I live and I apologise to everyone who was hurt by my actions. I can’t undo it ever but I have acceptance and a lot of guilt that I try to deal with on a daily basis.
I do not know where to begin. I have tried to reform myself, the one who did it will always be me but someone rightly said that it was my past self and I must forgive her and stop dragging myself back to her, because I am not the same anymore.
I became relentless, I didn’t want to accept it and became cruel and cold, only to fall in a pit so dark and deep that for months I couldn’t see daylight or breathe, I felt so trapped, felt so lonely.
I sat myself down, decided that I cannot go on like this forever and needed to hang my head low in forgiveness and apologize to the ones who meant the world to me, running away will not make it better neither will apologizing but atleast I will not be lying to myself and at least I will not become someone I never was and never will be.
Guilt is the most haunting feeling one can ever bear, it breaks you, you will crumble, the feeling chases you till you face it head on, I felt so helpless, hugging myself thinking there was no way I would ever feel happy or get better.
Who I am right now and who I will become hereafter will be governed by this incident. I have changed in ways that might be hard to notice for those not close to me but I know I have and the ones who love me, do.
I lost my best friend, my support system, the one who instantly lights up my world with her smile, the one I bully mercilessly, the one I love to spoil and will always do. She had to drift further away because she was disappointed in me and this killed me, I felt empty.
I lost a whole lot of my closest friends and I knew exactly why but I was so helpless, no amount of apologies could mend it and I had to make peace with it.
When I thought I could do away with being alone, I had the support of people who have become my safe space, my family and parting ways with whom flooded my eyes with tears of sorrow.
I was alone during this time, rightly in my opinion and I had no one to run to so I became reckless, I lost my person and I lost the one I relied on for everything.
The seventh semester was an absolute hellhole, owing to this and the academic load of my branch, the branch that I am so glad, at this point, to be doing away with. Labs that drained life out of me, the guilt that kept eating up parts of my heart and brain and the placement pressure.
My CPI wasn’t great so I was obviously trying to salvage every miniscule opportunity, moreover the fact that I am not a multitasker also added to my constant crying — I couldn’t do it all like everyone around me did.
But, somehow it just worked out, I did very well in the semester, secured a job and was able to heal myself, not fully but yes somewhat.
Things I noticed in myself and in others that got me thinking about the way we are living — we cannot or do not want to be left alone, a second without our mobiles, earphones or friends, we feel lost, but we aren’t in all honesty, we are scared and that is alright because in this four walled college with something happening every second we fail to see the blissful silence, we see silence as a threat and a wail for help — it is not.
I learnt how to be on my own, be it sitting in my room painting, taking longer routes back home (agh I won’t get to call my hostel my home anymore), or taking walks at 6am before my 1pm midsem, or just going to subway to enjoy a cookie after a long day, or going out for a solo date, or for that matter watching the finals at the OAT all by myself with my burger and coke :).
It is scary at first because you are bothered by the stares, the looks, the jokes but once you are there and enjoying it, you will feel relieved because you are not missing out anymore, you are doing what you wanted in your own company.
Do not be afraid of showing up alone, you will eventually find people who enjoy your company as much as you do, and when you do, the feeling will be unmatched.
It is important to have people who let you go and then come back to you, accept you, they fight the black and white, right and wrong and look beyond the foggy darkness of your mistakes and realise their love for you, they heal you, they truly do and I am beyond grateful to these people in my life.
My friends heard me rant about the same things, they did not judge me, they made me feel comfortable enough to call them up crying, to make an absolute fool of myself and still be able to tell them I love them.
I also want to credit a friend who became my person, my mirror, he ran to me when I cried, wiped my tears, made me laugh, never judged me and loved me despite my flaws. A good friendship, no wait an actual friendship is when you fight, he was the one I fought with and cried when we made up, he has eyes that carry so much warmth and affection for me that I lost it when he left, my heart was in shreds, that’s how much he means to me. I want to thank him with all my heart and soul and whatever will become of me in years to come.
Another sacred friendship, sacred because the bond I have with this friend hurts in unimaginable ways and also has the power to heal me in ways I couldn’t fathom. He and I have fought and cried so many times, we have said hurtful things but still at the end of the day I do not want to imagine the world without him, if only he can see the love waiting for him. He will be my rock and I will try to be his.
I will miss adoring my people with eyes full of love and heart full of admiration and content, I will miss hugging them, fighting with them and apologising and making it up to them. I will miss the late night walks with the deepest conversations, I will miss the all nighters stretching into the warm sunny mornings. I will miss the random plans and I will miss who I was. I am not sure I will ever find her again, maybe when I am with my people I can feel alive the way I did back on campus.
I hope I can come back and read this years later and still shed a tear like I did while writing this.
I credit a lot of my personality to ICS — it gave me a family. A family in the midst of thousand strangers, I knew I was relied on and that made me feel so much at peace although most of the time I was clueless, but I learnt to be honest and bold with my kids, yes my kids.
Another thing ICS gave me was the responsibility of becoming a CTM, a certain someone who is looked upon by God knows how many things and is required to hold up morals and values.
Half of my tenure I spent in self doubt because of something someone said, don’t know if it was true or not, not a single day went by when I questioned why I was there, they could have easily found a better person, but when I give myself a second to breathe and I stop critically analysing all my actions, I can see it, I see it in the way my team looks at me, it will always be my team, I saw it in the way my kids took pride, I saw it when a parent patted my back, when a cute thank you text felt like a much needed warm hug, I felt it when Santanu sir was beaming with pride, when he told me he trusted me and took care of me like a parent, I saw it when my junior team came to see me one last time, I started seeing it all around me, and I am glad I took a second to stop and take notice.
It is really important you give yourself and a certain someone a chance to show you things you refused to see and feelings you consciously avoided.
I arrived seeking validation and certainty, and I leave having learnt how to lose, yearn, forgive, survive, and exist with myself.
Written by: Sonal Tripathi
Edited by: Deeksha Jalan, Shriya Suravarapu
