“When I was asked by a member of Vox Populi and a long time friend to share my story with people, I had two options – whether I wish to share my story anonymously, or come out into the open. A lot of pondering, followed by a realization of the purpose for which I am at all writing this, led to me select the second option, for it was high time that my “secret” didn’t remain a secret anymore.
It was tough, growing up to be someone who doesn’t entirely fall into the “common” category. It was my 10th standard, to be precise when I came to realize my sexual orientation, with much help from the internet. For the frequent ostracism faced at school due to my slightly effeminate ways of talking, sitting, or waving the hand didn’t inspire me to confide in my friends.
First came denial, I don’t have to be the one I can’t be the one out of so many, to have this “problem”! With time, comes acceptance. I came to accept myself pretty soon, got past all the random negativity there was, and tried to focus on the significant things. Hence when I saw online videos of the campus culture of IIT Kanpur, and it’s the attitude of acceptance, I breathed a sigh of relief and hoped of possible freedom from ostracism again for at least the next four years.
Thus it was a shock on Day one when during the wing sessions, one of my wingmates was made to recite the name of five famous female models and another told to keep a collection of porn for the wing. One might argue those were jokes and not to be taken seriously, but for me the culture of “opening up via wing sessions” was slowly becoming uncomfortable. I remember a few of my wingmates finding it hard to believe when I first came out to them about being gay. While some came up with not so innovative names for me behind my back, a few others started avoiding me. It was this once that one of them point blank asked me what the difference was between a transgender person and me. I so realized that this campus, proud of it’s open-minded and accepting the culture, amidst all its bonding and opening up sessions, could do a lot more on gender and sexuality awareness.
Things weren’t very fine when I tried to step out of the wing either. I recollect asking one of my seniors about Unmukt, and they commented it’s a gay club. My student guide wasn’t so close as for me to confide in him and nearly every person I tried to express myself to left me disappointed with their response. A few would just start being hesitant to communicate after hearing my “truth”, a few others would say its perfectly okay and then behave in ways so as to clearly suggest it wasn’t, while some double standard people would just pretend to accept it and then pass demeaning remarks on a guy being effeminate or stuff like that.
I appeared to have hit a rock wall. It was time to accept that the campus, with its mandatory use of cuss words as a form of endearment, was a huge heteronormative, crushing experience after all. I shut myself in my small shell of two or three nice wingmates and never interacted with anyone outside this sphere. I was so tired of people judging me all the time that I put up an act and even tried learning “masculine ways” of behaving in public. When I thought I couldn’t be more depressed, I found a way of distracting myself by reading. I started seeing my world in books. I read fiction, drama, mystery, and whatnot. Anyway, with the first semester exams knocking on the door, I could do with a bit of concentration. It was that time when I started helping my roommates with some of the courses, discussing stuff and mugging up random things the day before the exam. Strangely enough, I felt the three of us bonding over that. My class notes on MTH101 became a requirement, and those late night discussion sessions did what I had tried to do for so long. I started feeling at home in my wing; at the same time, I discovered a friend from class who was genuinely okay with my sexual orientation. I found my life getting better, a slow but gradual process, and I learnt to not care much about people’s opinion of me. I still try to educate people who want to be informed and are accepting, but I do realize some level of ignorance is always there, even in our place and time.
I feel the problem with the campus mentality is not being able to accept anything that doesn’t abide by the norms set by the majority, and we, the “minority” in this case, do feel the brunt of it. I still remember going to the Music club auditions and badly wanting to run away at the last moment, for I didn’t want the femininity in my voice once I sang the high pitched part to reveal anything to the people present there. When I look at that self of mine, I really have come a long way. With this article, I guess I am letting go of all my reservations and hesitation about letting others know about my identity; for I realized not only is it about being true to yourself but also looking at life from a different perspective, “through a colored glass.”
Written by : Sagnik Bhattacharya
Edited by : Avisha
