As We Leave…#9

Arnav Garg is a final year undergraduate in the Civil Engineering department. Let’s have a look at his journey at IIT Kanpur and live the nostalgia and reminiscence with him.

Disclaimer:- The views presented below are the author’s own and are not in any manner representative of the views of Vox Populi as a body or IIT Kanpur in general. This is an informal account of the author’s experiences at IIT K. 

“I wish there was a way to know you’re in the good ol’ days Before you’ve

actually left them. Someone should write a song about that.”

                                                                                    – Andrew Bernard a.k.a. The Nard dawg

As I sit on my bed glancing through the window at the void street and park adjacent to my building, trying to make the most of this self-isolation period amidst the COVID pandemic, over a casual glance at the calendar across it suddenly dawns on me that it’s the 22nd of May today. As a sudden mist of wistfulness descended upon me, I wondered … has it really been 4 years?. A date (read day?) forever etched in the hearts of the class of 20’, it was on this day 4 years back that all our lives became intertwined.

Since the past four months, in our final days at the campus, it seems time is swaying in a lingering sense. Everyone is trying to savour the nostalgia, some are trying to relive the bulla sessions, spending time with their wingies, actualizing their pending treats while people like me are busy exploring places not visited, trying our hands-on things not done; playing squash in the squash court, getting a feel of the wooden flooring of the badminton court, exercising in the gym, walking on the stairs of OAT, visiting our previous hall, its canteen, maybe a visit to FB/LHC rooftops at night? and of course playing cards with wingmates, all the while trying to live everything just once again. Every mundane task appears to be wrapped in a poignant coat.

I still remember the day I bid goodbye to my home and left for the train to Kanpur. My father accompanied me, mom decided to stay cause she said she won’t be able to leave me without poignancy. Now I lived in Kanpur till I was 6, after which we moved away, so coming back after 12 good years brought a reminiscent smile on my face, while dad stood dejected; “vaise ka vaisa hi hai !”. All these tempestuous thoughts about whether I made the right choice or not, maybe should’ve waited for float before freezing choices, ‘CS mein hi scope hai’ and other contemplations found me standing in the mess registration queue in Hall-5. After getting to know my room no.(C213/5), I got to know my roomie was from mechanical. “Branch CSE nahi mili kam se kam roomie to CSE ka mil jata, kyunki competition hai to focus hai, aur focus hai to dassa” was the first thought that ran my mind. Little did I know it would be one of my most cherished friendships ever.

For a freshman, I was a bit too harsh on myself. And why wouldn’t I be, since day 1 I got reminded day and again ki ‘civil mein scope kahan?’. During our first wing sessions, I got to know that Civil Engineering in IITK Lingo translates to ‘berozgari’. I even remember after one of the tutorials, I went to the prof. and asked him which book should I refer to for the subject to which he asked me my department. I said ‘civil’ and he coyly said “fir to tum ye hi karlo” suggesting the easier resource. I don’t know why I took it on my heart, but it traumatized me deeply. It was the final blow which kicked me into the ‘branch change’ herd race. Contrary to popular beliefs I don’t think it’s a herd race, it’s a mindset pushed by the ‘branch racist’ culture that has gone unchecked for a long time. Also one of the reasons why freshmen should take more fundas from final year students than sophomores.

Second-year is an eye-opener for many sophomores. People come to terms with the fact that their discipline is probably not what they wish to pursue. The fact that I have juniors looking up to me definitely gave me a transient ego boost to the point where I could give fundas on anything ranging from ‘time-management’ to ‘how POR’s can help you get 1Cr package ’ (Another reason why freshmen should take more fundas from final year students than sophomores). Little did I know all that frivolity, all that gaiety would transpire into the darkest phase of my life: The intern season (more like the whole of 3rd year).

Thus began the not-so-sweet summer of 18’. I could already sense a feeling of hastiness, a trepidation set amongst my batchmates. It was as if the ‘herd race’ had begun all of a sudden, but this time the finish line wasn’t ‘branch-change’, it was the coveted ‘Day-1’ companies. So after finally striking off civil engineering as the source of income for my future kids, weeks of agony and indecisiveness culminated in me going for the most unique skill that very few people in the campus work on: Coding. Day and night I toiled hard, burning the midnight lamp, coding, preparing; being an avid cricket fan it’s not a pleasant sight when your browser autocompletes ‘c’ to ‘codeforces’ and not ‘cricbuzz’. The D-day approached. As someone rightly said, with great preparation/resume, comes great expectations. And like everyone else, I sat, perched on the edge of my laptop waiting for the shortlist(s), only to be nowhere found on the Day-1 list. No problem, let’s try for the next day. No result. Days transcended into weeks, no result. By this time my expectations had taken such a hit, that when I finally got selected, it made little to no impact on me. I felt more relief from giving tests and wearing those formals than being happy of getting a chance to intern at a good firm.

This marked the beginning of my pre-final year. Even after toiling day and night, burning every ounce of effort remaining in me, when I didn’t get the offer I thought I deserved, I felt devastated. I blamed everything on my branch (which was wrong). So much so I started hating it, berating myself for choosing it. Being a department-heavy year (as most 3rd years are), I struggled big time. Grasping concepts seemed tough, focusing on academics even tougher. All those labs, courses seemed so futile, so in-vain that I started treating them as mere barriers which I had to cross to escape this limbo. I used to so deeply overthink sometimes, that it took someone snapping their fingers at me to get me out of it as if I was staring at a void. There were days where I would stare blankly at the roof of my room, sulking, regretting, crying. People didn’t help; “teri to intern bhi lag gayi, tujhe kya tension!”. And I couldn’t agree more, you see that’s what my face value was; a cheery boy, 9-pointer, an intern in hand, what could possibly be wrong with him? But that’s what depression is, the more you live in denial the more it engulfs you. It took me my 5th sem SPI (7.6, from 9.6 in 4th sem) to finally come to terms, to accept that something’s wrong with me. 

So with a newfound low, I embarked on the journey that was the 6th semester. “What depression? Isn’t that just a fancy word for feeling bummed out”? “Boom roasted (literally)”! SPI just shy of 7.0. I thought moving out of a single room to a double room might help, so I used to casually insert “yar merko to double room hi pasand hai, koi exchange karega?” in between wingie conversations only to feel ashamed as people used to dismiss the idea with “double room mein kaun hi rahe!”. I remember just a week before midsems things were so tough, while talking to my parents I casually mentioned I might want to see a psychiatrist. 2 days later my mother was on my doorstep worried sick, and stayed with me throughout the exams. Too ashamed of this, I didn’t tell my wingies arousing their suspicion on my increased visits to VH (wink wink).

Besides the art of studying a day before and acing(read passing) a test, I have learnt that discussing things with your mates is always a good option. I wouldn’t have been able to get through the dark times had my peers not been by me. Even with all my grumbling and whining, they chose to listen without letting me know. And mind you, they need not be your immediate pals; most of my ‘open ups’ have been with people who are not very close to me. It is this non-judgemental, charitable culture of the people here that sets IITK apart. The warmth and support I got metamorphosed me into a carefree person void of any self-doubt, from the anxious, nervous freshman. Signs of depression are always there, subtle, but they are there,  and it is the duty of your close ones to ascertain the cause of your behaviour.

First-year is such a haphazard mess, one hardly gets time to contemplate! At least that’s what you think until you come into the second year, and then the third and then the next.  With such a plethora of activities, clubs, events, competitions, (acads?) going around, one might initially feel overwhelmed. That is why the first year is delineated in such a vivid manner, one automatically gets lured into it. The feeling of hall-spirit is so indelibly ingrained within people, I’ve seen alums return to their halls, after years, chanting their hall anthems. With our pool pulling off the unexpected, and winning Galaxy’17, shouting our hall anthems in OAT and lecture halls is a memory I will treasure forever. All those night outs when finally reaped results I saw my seniors in almost tears. That is the place this culture holds.

To be quite honest, for any given sem the amount of time I have spent with my wingies has always been proportional to my academic gains. The more time I spent locked away in my room, the worse it got, which is what happened to me in 3rd year. I was fortunate enough to be a Student guide and Academic mentor(which are the only 2 ‘PORs’ I have). The ‘baap’ culture is so intrinsic, so inherent at its core that we often underestimate its influence in a freshman’s life. Having versed in both sides of the coin as a ‘baccha’ and a ‘baapu’, the transition hasn’t been the smoothest, but I hope I’ve done justice to my part.

                                   Pic1: Taking Baap Treat                                                          Pic2: Giving Baap Treat    

From hiding my own fears to having the opportunity to be trusted enough by someone for sharing their own problems with me, it has been an enthralling journey. “Doubt kills more dreams than failure ever will.” (Suzy kassem). So next time, fill out that damn POR form for the new event position if you want to, even if you are too ‘senior’ for the role, even if it would affect your academics; go out and support your hall at OAT even if you are an effing’ fraudy and have only contributed in devouring the late-night refreshments of parathas and chai; ask that girl out whom you’ve been crushing about since a long time now and who you think is completely out of your league (but seriously, I would tread lightly); join a club/activity which you didn’t join till now but want to but are too shy “kyunki 2nd/3rd/4th year mein 1st-year vale kaam kaun karta hai yar?”; work on that dull-witted startup idea that you and your friend conferred over drunken nights under high skies; plan that 5-day trip over the 2-day weekend knowing well before it will get cancelled; talk to your parents when you feel low, go out and burst into your close friends’ room but just GO, don’t stay! Your stay here is not like a musical symphony where one wrong note nullifies the melody, it’s more like the HSS lottery process, whichever ‘course’ you take you’ll end up learning something new and significant 🙂 My journey is not that of a popular, bright, achieving student, but of a rather average person who found contentment in the tiny pleasures, this campus offers. So don’t be afraid to fumble! Cause after all perfection is a man’s ultimate illusion (David D. Burns).

That’s IITK.

Cramming names of your HEC, baap, chacha, dada, par-dada, the hall anthem and ‘kholna’ in shuddh hindi even being a non-hindi speaker,

That’s IITK.

Waking up after noon on weekdays but stuffing Poha-Jalebi/Dosa at 9 am on weekends,

That’s IITK.

Using a drafter, welding metals, soldering circuits, surveying the academic area under the sun, all the while wondering “ye lab mere kis kaam ki?”,

That’s IITK.

Requesting a prof. for a project, then requesting him for signing the PVF knowing you didn’t do shit,

That’s IITK.

Spending your entire 4 years in ‘chaddas’ and tees and then sulking why you don’t have a girlfriend,

That’s IITK.  

Contributing to world research using state-of-the-art facilities, all the while staying in a 10×6 ft. room under an 80’s ceiling fan,

That’s IITK.  

Spending Antaragni at your room, library in quietness or wandering the pro-nite ground till dawn, 

That’s IITK.

Running in formals with your friend’s resume on a cold December morning during placements,

That’s IITK.

Watching it all crumble in front of your eyes, yet defy the odds to MAKE IT !

That’s effing’ IITK.

From a dream to second home, and now Alma mater,

That’s IITK.

Written by:- Arnav Garg.

Edited by:- Aryan Pandeya.