Shreya Surabhi is a final year undergraduate in the Material Sciences and Engineering department. Let’s have a look at her journey at IIT Kanpur and live the nostalgia and reminiscence with her.
Disclaimer:- The views presented below are the author’s own and are not in any manner representative of the views of Vox Populi as a body or IIT Kanpur in general. This is an informal account of the author’s experiences at IIT K.
As I sit here to collect my thoughts, I have this queer feeling in my stomach. I can’t pinpoint a reason behind this but it is probably because opening up to people you don’t even know is a little frightening. But I’d like to keep this account very personal and truthful. For me, my journey has been really tough but beautiful too. I am going to talk a lot about my struggles, but as long as it helps others, I hope that is okay.
When I came into the campus, I was determined to be a part of the dramatics club. And I dived in it without thinking it through. I participated in the Freshers’ mime and then Dram Eve 1 and subsequently was also a part of the Antaragni contingent. I enjoyed my time there without the slightest care in the world for my academics. A few of the then 2nd-year seniors told me that “Ek hafte me sab padh loge. ESC101 me mera toh bina padhe B aaya tha.”(trans. “You would be able to do it all in a week. I got a B in ESC101 without even studying”). I was presented with alternative views as well but I chose what was convenient for me. And as you can expect, I scored below average marks in all subjects except ESC because there, I scored maybe 10/100. I thought of leaving the contingent after the midsems but I had no friends outside of the club. I was faced with an existential crisis of sorts. I continued with the practice as it also provided me with an escape from my otherwise grim college life. I tried to cope up with my studies but I failed miserably. With an SPI of 4.8 in the first semester (fortunately no Fs), I felt devastated.
I came back for the second semester, rather low, tried to quit all extracurricular activities because I wasn’t able to manage things but still ended up doing nukkad natak in Galaxy’17. Veeras did their first nukkad natak ever and we won the first prize and I still clearly remember that moment. It was probably the happiest I’d been in that semester (no extra engagements was dull 🙁 ). And I found some good people too, who about a semester later became my very good friends. But before that, in the second semester, my fears came true. I had exactly 1 friend, Smit. I remember being low all the time, trying to study but not being able to. I remember sitting on the bench outside the main auditorium’s gate with Smit, crying my eyes out after I ruined my first MTH102 quiz, even though I had studied hard. I was always a bright student and was even happy with my JEE rank with no regrets which is uncharacteristic of many people here. But I never cleared exams such as NTSE, KVPY, etc. and when people around me talked about their achievements I felt out of place. I was sure of the fact that I had landed by mistake in college and that I am not good enough. I became more and more insecure and pessimistic. And another semester passed and I wasn’t any better. 5.7 again.
Next semester, I was back again to do the same drill but with improvements. I knew I had to take one step at a time. I started with attending classes which I did very little in my first year. I knew I wanted more friends from my hostel. I started to interact with my new neighbours. It wasn’t as tough as I thought making friends would be, or maybe I was just lucky to find very welcoming people. My CPI improved but only at the cost of an F grade in MSO203b. And I took that one grade pretty hard on myself. I told myself I have to ace it when I do it the next time. I promised myself to get a CPI of 7 before the intern season and 8 before the placements began. I know there are many people reading this who think 8 isn’t a big deal, but back then, it was for me.
Before my 3rd year began, there I was with a 7+ CPI and no backlogs. (Also, summer gave me new friends who’ll stay with me forever.) I knew I wanted to do more than academics now. It was time for me to come out of my shell. Come out again. But this time, well prepared. I started by joining the Women’s Cell, followed by Antaragni’18. Now I knew I could handle things and still not ruin my academics. But the 5th semester was already over and I had no internship. I wanted a research intern for I was sure I wanted to explore my branch first. I absolutely loathe coding, thanks to ESC101. I knew I stood no chance for the research programs and cold mailing was my only resort. But I still kept an eye on the SPO portal in hope of a good core profile showing up. Mitsubishi was the first company I applied to and thankfully my last as well. By the end of the 6th semester, I had achieved more than what I hoped for. Before the 7th semester, I had my dream 8 CPI too. Having a support system of friends, flunking negligible classes, and being up to date worked well for me. The pressure of having my feet in a lot of things which used to stress me out earlier, turned into this acute awareness of limited time, pushing me to be more efficient. Now, life was in order but there was more I could do. From needy to greedy.
Consequently, I became Head, Media, and Publicity, Antaragni’19. The festival gave me a lot of skills and experiences that’ll stay with me forever. It gave me an opportunity to interact and work with some lovely juniors and I made a lot of new friends. I enjoyed the process thoroughly and I miss C-124/1 which became my other room. The room would be crammed up with people leaving barely any space to breathe, and we would talk about the most random things, laughing our asses off. And I can never put into words what those 4 days of Antaragni meant to me. But due to some unfortunate events that unfolded, I found myself in a soup with which I had nothing to do. With the SSAC proceedings against me, the struggle against the decisions of the administration was too draining but I had my friends, family, and some professors determined to fight with me, for me.
In these rewarding, hectic, and tumultuous days, I also got rejected thrice from some of my dream companies. I was heartbroken then, but it’s fine now (or so I tell myself). I came to IITK like a blank slate with many choices in front of me. Some I picked for myself. Some, I crossed out, others the recruiters did. But the 8th semester was the perfect opportunity to unwind. Half of it went so good but we had saved the best for the last. Photoshoots, treats, DE, Dept. farewell, all of it after midsems. Unfortunately, corona had other plans. But that will make us cherish the small moments that we had, even more, I guess.
I think it is very important to realize your capabilities and limitations as an individual. Not everybody can multitask from the very beginning. You have to know what works for you. There is no one blueprint for success. I realized that I was never the last moment student. Being consistent, attending classes was my thing. I had to take things one at a time and then push myself. You should not compare yourself with anyone, as this place can be really ruthless if you do. You’ll always find people better than you in some aspects.
I’ll admit that purely academics did not give me happiness. But it gave me the stability and confidence to enjoy the happy moments with friends and extra curricular, spent otherwise in guilt.
What I found very frustrating about this place is that you are never just a candidate here. You’re either a male or a female candidate. You might argue that it has some “perks” at times, but in campus life, it isn’t the same. You always carry your gendered identity in places where it doesn’t even matter. If you’re a female, most of your achievements are overshadowed by that one fact. And when it comes to PORs, a certain amount of female participation is felt to be appropriate, even encouraged but anything more than that is too much.
I am really grateful for how my journey has been. I am happy that I could get myself out of that first-year phase. From people greeting me with questions like “Are your studies going fine?” in the first year to people calling me maggu (I really enjoyed this one), I think I’ve come a long way. I may not have enjoyed every bit of it, but when I see it as one whole picture, I feel it is complete. I’ve had my fair share of bulla sessions, after practice waali MT ke chai pakode, random eat-outs and treats, a random SSAC too, selections, painful rejections but that’s how it’s supposed to be (minus the SSAC of course).
As I leave, that Shreya, lurking in the last benches of classes occasionally, thinking how big of a misfit she is, seems distant. Too distant. I could make that transformation and so can anyone!
Written by:- Shreya Surabhi
Edited by:- Astha Pant, Milind Nigam.
