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In the 22nd edition of As We Leave 2024, Shivangi Singh, a Y20 graduate from the department of Chemistry, recounts her experiences at IITK. Join her in this rollercoaster of emotions, as she goes through the highs and lows of her time at IITK.
Disclaimer:- The views presented below are the author’s own and are not in any manner representative of the views of Vox Populi as a body or IIT Kanpur in general. This is an informal account of the author’s experiences at IIT-K.
Two days out from bidding adieu to my alma mater and the memories of my college life replay endlessly. As I sit down to pen this piece, a lump materializes in my throat – “It has all come to an end” my mind echoes. Following the classic VOX series has been a ritual for me, and now, finally taking the plunge into scribing my own edition feels surreal. This is the story of my journey at IIT Kanpur – the ups, the downs, the decisions that changed its course. I’ve tried to keep it light, simple, not preachy, and an unapologetically honest affair – all Jabberwockied up. So, here I present to you my story of a place I called home for four years(or maybe less).
The Sandman's Invitation:
11th October 2020 : When the JOSAA Counselling page displayed my college as IIT Kanpur, I did not know how to describe the feeling of, “IIT Me hogya” , finally.
My parents’ happiness knew no bounds that their daughter would just be two hours drive away from them(I live in Lucknow btw). I remember the first thing that I did after finally clicking on Accept was, seeing the video of IIT Kanpur on YouTube. It showcased the lush green campus and various red bricked buildings. It was a surreal feeling of anticipation and excitement of starting college at IIT, akin to the anticipation of a child eagerly awaiting a night of wondrous dreams.
“Little did I know that the Sandman had a special invitation for me, one that would take me on a journey like no other, and on 18th November 2020, the DOSA’s mail came, of starting the semester in an ONLINE MODE.”
PS. I am really good with dates 😛
#1 Falling into the Rabbit Hole
The college kickstarted with virtual meets and online orientations(seriously by then I had googled so much about IITK that the phrases “Fill in the gaps”, “Bring your pink Folders” felt like a cruel tease. To add to this every authority figure felt the need to repeatedly remind us, “This is the first time we’re conducting this online” as if we didn’t already have a complex of being- the lab rats in the great ‘online education’ experiment. Sure, we were trendsetters, but not the kind you’d boast about on college memorabilia.
With such an unexpected virtual start, I resigned myself to the fact that this online journey would trudge on for at least a couple of semesters. Despite all the efforts of counseling services, my amma, wing ammas and other clubs to make this transition to college life as smooth as possible and make it more inclusive, giving a good space to open up, It did not help me much obviously because chatting, zoom calls, initiating a conversation on WhatsApp was just not my thing. Sure, I was a social butterfly back in my school days, but this remote rendezvous felt like an alien concept. Trying to forge bonds with these strangers behind the screen triggered an involuntary force field. My self-preservational preconceived notions insisted: the less you let ’em in, the less they can hurt you. As a result, I decided to mind my own business and did not try to mingle at all (apart from my behens and amma). Well what would you expect, it was a drastic decision, I had no one to discuss my doubts with, couldn’t share what I felt that time, was too shy to ask for any help(read this as an inferiority complex, which was quite unusual for me in school but was new found ‘thing’ in college). While most of us had formed large groups and were enjoying streams and late night VCs, I used to stay awake with my fears of becoming non-existent in IITK along with my self-doubt of how well I’d fit in this place with this branch.
“It felt like a disorienting fall down a rabbit hole of finding myself in a strange, virtual wonderland, where the rules of reality seemed to bend and twist.”
My dad gifted me this book in grade 6, but I lost it. It wasn’t until my first semester that I stumbled upon it again and read it. That was the best feeling I remember from my first semester.
#2 Becoming
After a serious academic hit in the first semester, I decided that this won’t work, I needed to spend time on my hobbies and my inclinations toward art. Connecting with new pals could wait – I needed to rekindle my creative spark. Indulging in club escapades was the antidote to my isolation blues, so I chose Design and Animation. It felt like I was just ready to join any club because I was tired of my isolation.
Time passed, from sleeping in the online lectures to missing morning classes due to my irregular sleep schedules, I was just becoming hopeless, knowing at the same time that this is exactly not what I wanted to be.
But suddenly life took an unexpected turn on 2nd April 2021 , I received the reports of my parents and it stated “COVID Positive”. I remember that afternoon very vividly. I would say no further of what followed, because that still gives me jitters. Academia took a backseat to the frontlines of caretaking. My laptop was almost shut down for two months. I had little support from my friends, But I was so lagging behind that nothing could help. I wrote makeup exams..had a lot of difficulty understanding concepts (Lesson #1: Don’t be shy of asking for help from your AMs, I realized that much later).
By some miracle, I avoided the dreaded ‘F’ but my grades weren’t cutting it for a “glamourous branch transfer” and then I made one of the craziest decisions of whether or not to change my branch.
For any sane soul stuck in the Chemistry realm(if you are not inclined towards research or doing masters), the knee-jerk instinct is to escape that branch’s shackles. I freely admit, that herd mentality almost ensnared me too. But since my naïve mind had been prepped to only deem a CSE swap as a “successful” game of departmental musical chairs, well…I stubbornly leaned into that binary blueprint.
Call me a fool, but I’ve always been an “all or nothing” type – subscribing to that vintage ‘go big or go home’ mindset. If CSE wasn’t gonna be my ‘pièce de résistance‘, well then, I’d stick to my original Chemistry plat and make it work…or flunk out in a blaze of glory, trying.
Since the start, I was bombarded with statements like “lower branch“, “Chemistry me placement is next to impossible” and stuff like that. So I made up my mind that “Agar placement hona hoga toh CHM se karayenge, otherwise I will prepare for UPSC”. Yes, that was impulsive but I stuck to it. (Reader’s Discretion Advised: This decision was far from the best I’ve ever made. I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve regretted it. However, now that I stand on the other side of the fence, I see that it ultimately worked out for the best. But honestly, it could have gone disastrously wrong.)
From the myriad club options, DNA, GameDev, SPO and my Techkriti crew became my new normal. These unveiled some amazing humans, reigniting my voice and self-expression. A shoutout to Panwl2 – my first college group via Techkriti that reminded the semi-reclusive Shivangi still had life! I am thankful to one of my seniors for all that she helped me with in the start, but majorly for pairing me up with Harshit Raj(and from here you’ll see this name quite often, interchangeably as best friend). In no other means, I would have thrown myself into this trap of being a co-team member of one of the most social people of the Y20 batch who was known by almost all. I had my apprehensions that working with him would be a daily torture for me because I thought I would think less of myself. But how wrong was I ??
“Despite the setbacks, I found myself, beginning to emerge from my cocoon, steadily transforming and becoming the person I was meant to be.”
Hall 6, Wing 1: We won!!!
Panwl 2: A typo that survived the four years
#3 Into the Unknown
31st December 2021, I stepped into “MY COLLEGE” for the first time. I had good roommates and A-110 has seen some of my very first happy memories. Academically, I was gaining momentum but I was still having second thoughts about securing an Intern because (A) I had no clue of the profile I was interested in and (B) Do I really want to do this? A question that kept on bothering me.
As an APC in SPO, I had the inside scoop on incoming companies and their cravings, but I knew my branch would pose serious hurdles. I continued prepping for internships, but during my first IITK summer, the realms of Data Science and ML caught my curiosity. I felt if I were to hustle, it’d be in this domain. My intern season, however, didn’t bear the expected fruit. Though happy to have assisted my peers as an APC, I felt hopeless about my own prospects. Post-August, I didn’t even attempt the process (Lesson #2: Persistence pays off. Many of my friends secured great internships by holding out a little longer, while I wasn’t even attempting the process). Deep down, I yearned to dive deeper into the ML world before jumping onto the UPSC bandwagon.
Life raced by in a flurry of fests, exams, late-night chats with roommates, celebrations, aimless strolls, and colorful festivals. Those semesters were a balancing act – juggling academics, extracurriculars, and friends. But I was dodging the big questions looming over me: “Placements or UPSC?” “No internship = no placement?”, “Is UPSC even a safe backup plan?”
I was the master of asking questions but never answering them.
When I stepped into my college for the first time: Mixed Feelings
I knew when I met you an adventure was going to happen.
28/02/2022
Successfully survived all the labs together 🙂
#4 The Breaking Point
Sixth semester and the start of the Seventh semester turned out to be the worst of my nightmares. Some major misunderstandings resulted in the loss of a cherished bond I had nurtured since the first semester. I can’t and don’t want to delve into the details, but these lines always remind me of that period:
“How often we forget that,
no matter how hard we try to fill each chapter with the right ink,
once turning those pages
we all are villains
in someone’s story
….And that’s alright.”
These two semesters formed my greatest internal challenges, which surprisingly centered not on academics or career, but on repairing my self-confidence after it had shattered into fragments. As the adage warns, when you’re down, everything around conspires to bury you deeper. I had locked myself up in my room for days, missing meals, I just did not feel like getting up from my bed, and as a result, my health deteriorated(both mentally and physically). The night when the doctor in HC wrote on my prescription “Refer to counseling service”, it was a wake-up call for me. (Eternally grateful to my best friend who never abandoned me despite my self-sabotaging efforts). I picked myself up, slowly but by that time it was almost mid-August and I had come to a point where I had no time to decide between placements or UPSC because undoubtedly it was going to be UPSC as I had not even started the placement preparations unlike most of my batchmates. But I was still not convinced at heart.
Out of nowhere, a week before the resume submission I started preparing my resume too, with no particular thoughts in mind, I just began to formulate it in a way that highlighted my prime interests and works in the field of ML. Three days before the submission (read this again ;)) I called Harshit and said “Let’s go for a walk”. Little did he know the bombshell I was about to drop. That day I broke this news to him, “I want a shot at the big league(placements:)). I am preparing my resume.” (The RM bus stand was the backdrop of this disclosure, I remember). For the first time ever, I’d uttered those words aloud. That was followed by a reality check and we talked about where I stood and how prepared I was to step into the arena.
After that, I cleared my mind of all confusion and focussed only on placements(Again such impulsive decisions are not advisable), But that’s my story.
The coming months were very stressful, past BT, uncertainties, no good background or preparation. But I had only one thing in mind, I have nothing to lose from this so why not give my best shot? It was during those times that I found an awesome group, “My group”, we infamously call ourselves “Blah Blah”.
Almost every Chemistry alum I knew had detoured into research, leaving me few relatable footprints to follow. Apart from my cross-branch Blah Blah buddies, I was largely flying solo.
I took all the tests opened for my branch and performed well. The shortlists started coming out with me searching my name through all the lists. Even with the same number of correct questions, I was not getting shortlisted for the companies. That was a very heartbreaking moment.
By November 30th, an almost unbelievable reality: I had accumulated a WHOPPING zero shortlist. I went to see one of my seniors whom I usually turn to when I am under such conditions, and I told him the scenario, He said, “Yaar dekh, mushkil hai, I won’t lie.” A dagger to the heart. I cried a lot that night, not because I wasn’t prepared enough, but because I just needed a chance to prove myself.
I table-flipped that negative energy, devoting my first three placement days to supporting my shortlisted friends. It was a difficult feeling. One by one they started getting placed. After they all got placed, I was ready to leave for home, with no regrets, because anyway UPSC was the end goal, but thought I might get a hang of the corporate too, maybe not my cup of tea. NICE TRY, I said to myself.
But my crew wasn’t having my resignation. They scolded my surrender, issuing an ultimatum that I wouldn’t be allowed to leave campus ’til December 10th…a demand I only agreed to on one condition: My tests would be exclusively for the roles aligning with my interests and decent pay requirements. An odd stance perhaps, but my friends backed my conviction fiercer than my own.
December 9th delivered my first shortlist…which rapidly transitioned into my first work offer as a Junior Data Scientist in that company! The role, the offer, everything was just according to my expectations. In a full-circle rematch, pride swelled my chest for the first time in ages. That RM Bus stand convo flashed before my eyes and as I looked at my side, I found my best friend there almost as emotional as me.
I don’t know where I’d have crash-landed without this squad rallying around me. We have seen some of the toughest times of the campus and dealt with it together.
BLAH BLAH: The Final Wing
L-R: Vedant, Arushi, Me, Mukesh, Harshit and Harsh- The Essentials
Late night strolls with friends: Therapy you need.
#5 Distilling IITK's Elixirs
Well after that time flew by. It was our last semester and I wanted to enjoy each and every second of it and I made sure I did. I had for quite a long time kept myself in my room, this was a golden time to experience the beauty of IITK and its people.(Climbing rooftops with friends was my favorite night time activity), I was finally open to new people and good talks. I am really grateful that I met some really cool people in my last semester(Casually mentioning Suchu Subgroup here :)).
Last semester for me was completely dedicated to strengthening friendships, meeting new people, and exploring IITK. I also had a little mind boggling conversations on how long to be in corporate before resuming my UPSC prep again. I got my answers through intense discussions with friends and family. I felt settled and also wondered how that line of every senior in almost every AWL I had read “In the end sab sort ho jaata hai” is so true. Indeed, the trials and tribulations of college life had chiseled me into a well-groomed individual, ready to conquer the world or, at the very least, conquer my existential dread. In no measure, it could have been better. I ticked off all my bucket list of the last sem, and finally on May 10th, with a heavy heart and lots of good memories and laughs, I loaded my car with my luggage to finally bid goodbye to a place that would forever hold a piece of my heart.
In retrospect, my final semester was a wild ride, a perfect culmination of my IITK journey – a journey that had transformed me from a caterpillar to a butterfly, ready to spread my wings and soar into the greater unknown.
And as I drove away, I couldn’t help but wonder, “Did I leave a little piece of myself behind, or did IITK become a part of me?”
SPO TEAM 2022-23
The Suchu Subgroup
The Cool people that I talked about…
My Favorite one!!
As Lucidity Dawns Upon Us
I’ve compiled all my campus capers to show you that the struggles I faced were as common as a snooze button on a Monday morning :/
My advice to my juniors or anybody who has reached till here(thanks, means a lot) is that “Do not blindly accept anyone’s word as gospel truth .” Evaluate their perspectives critically, and ultimately, forge your own path. This has been my only mantra since the beginning of this college because not everyone you meet has something positive to say about you and if by chance you give in to that nihilism, it’s over for you. Know yourself, know where you stand, and above all know your worth. Remember it’s your story, embrace your individuality.
Embrace this campus with open arms, and it will hug you back with endless opportunities.
Sayōnara
All the best!!!!
Written by: Shivangi Singh
Edited by: Nikhil Pothuganti, Nandini Vaid
Designed by: Sanyam Shivhare
