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In this 12th edition of As We Leave 2024, Rashmi G R, a graduating Y20 student in the department of Computer Science, writes about her journey as an oddball at IITK, the struggle to embrace its culture and forging a different journey, finding friends despite her rebellious streak and the tiniest bit of learning for both her and you.
Disclaimer:- The views presented below are the author’s own and are not in any manner representative of the views of Vox Populi as a body or IIT Kanpur in general. This is an informal account of the author’s experiences at IIT-K.
The irony of me writing an AWL was too good to pass up. Why, you ask? You see, I am everything you aren’t. I can describe myself with more negations than you could with all the sonnets in the world. So, writing an AWL isn’t very “in character” for me, people would say. I can prove it to you; let’s see, where do I begin?
I haven’t had to “kholo”, not once. I have never used IITK lingo; I have never sung my hall anthem. I own not one piece of campus merchandise and have not once shouted, “IITK ka tempo high he.” I’ve skipped multiple fests, slept under a rock when the entire campus was sweating during an internship season simply because “no one told me it was this serious,” slept through a quiz I studied an entire night for, and never known names of my own wingies. I’ve rolled into a ball and cried in the middle of the road when things were too much and have unironically had conversations with walls to feel less lonely within a campus full of people. I, reader, am many things you aren’t.
Please don’t mistake my word vomit with me saying I consider myself somehow above these things or that I am somewhat special, but know that I’m writing simply because this was a journey too, to tell you that I’ll carry this place with me for the rest of my life, but for reasons very different from yours. I’m writing to tell you a story that isn’t very conventional in how people respond to the culture at IITK. All I ask is that you keep an open mind. Too many people make up their minds about people, unlike them before giving them a chance.
After two years of slogging away, I became an ‘IITian’ – to which you are no stranger, I presume. Remote learning was already a wonky start when sleeping through lectures became an easy option and not interacting with peers a norm. I engaged with student club events and tried interacting with just as much passion as the next person. But, I never stopped to think and appreciate the magnitude of this opportunity. Perhaps that’s why when my grades slipped, my attendance fell, and my interest drowned, I didn’t regret it all that much. Disassociating was a very easy feat, and I was happy to get addicted to the internet more than the opportunity to study my favourite subject handed to me on a silver platter. The inner rebel in me had already made up her mind. I had begun my silent protest against every piece of culture IITK stood for, self-sabotaging or otherwise. I was playing my own little game of rebellion. Let’s keep the score: Rashmi – 1, IITK – 0.
When I finally did make it to campus, it felt like I was starting off with the odds stacked against me. I had no friends, my academic record wasn’t any good, and suddenly, they were the only things that mattered. I tried very hard to build an igloo in my bed and disappear forever, but there were people who dragged me out. It was hard to resist peer pressure, and I ended up liking hanging out with people more than I should have. I found my best friend and one constant in my roommate very quickly. Some deep conversations at 3 AM are all it took for the rebel in me to start doubting her purpose. I formed some happy friendships. Damnit, IITK – 1, Rashmi – 1.
The people(and my one constant) who dragged me out of my igloo
I ended my second year learning that it wasn’t all unicorns and sunshine, even if you wanted to focus on the good. Leave aside the fact that the vast majority don’t care about equality, empathy or political awareness; they also love to place you in boxes right away and ‘figure’ you out. Even when you surprise them, they don’t let you flow beyond the six faces that bound you in their head. Being nice to people isn’t always received well; scratch that, it never is. Power trips and unabashedly being socially unaware was the new normal, and I wanted no part in it. I was happy not to open my mouth in those chants, not play into the a-year-older-but-oh-so-wiser displays, not even peer at the who-knows-who game or the gift-wrapped bundling of this in the name of culture. What did tempo even mean in this context, anyway? I, at least, was a rebel with a cause! Rashmi – 2, IITK – 1.
With the onset of the third year, I realised the repercussions of not being ‘you’. I had spent the summer avenging a bad grade and floating in the high of the A I replaced it with, to notice that the entire population was running behind internships for the summer. I could surely simply interview when I was ready, right? Companies didn’t just come all at once in a day, surely. Looking back, I think I was trying to be blissfully unaware. August became October, and when I finally came to my senses after many earfuls from a friend, I had just managed to reign in the rope to impending doom and got myself a decent opportunity in a role I wanted. Note to self: Never do that again. I looked at you with envy, reader, and I finally realised what it meant to fit in. I had to fit in if I wanted to survive. To fit in was to fare better during my journey and, most importantly, after it. IITK – 2, Rashmi – 2.
I ended my third year here with less clarity than I started about who I was between these walls of IITK. I had group assignments in which I thrived and found classes I was passionate about. I had fun with friends but wasn’t all that social. I was exceptionally failing a course and cruising through another; couldn’t handle either, so sat down in the middle of the pavement to bawl my eyes out. A person walking by thought I was hurt and tried to help. Well, the rebel in me was. I only knew one thing about myself then. I was all or nothing about things. It was always nothing till then, but then I had to go and find things in this institute that brought out my all – like a few courses and fewer friends. I was losing the battle. IITK – 3, Rashmi – 2.
The things that brought out my all – a few courses and fewer friends.
I was back from my summer, having completed my enjoyable internship with new-found determinism. I didn’t want a repeat of last year, so people and preparation were my two goals. I would make new friends, and the placement season wouldn’t be a repeat of my internship. It was all I talked about – hope against hope with a CPI I’m too ashamed to spell and a resume that’s ordinary at best. I knew nothing about me in that period. I had become another with the sole goal to salvage what was left of these walls. I don’t know if I became a bigger rebel or a bigger ‘IITian’ when I skipped my last Antaragni to study for my placements. Surely, the former. Rashmi – 3, IITK – 3.
The placement season showed me a different side of IITK. The ugly, the happy, the real. I learned that I was nowhere near prepared and had a very small pool of opportunities. I found a good group of friends on day 1 of placements and held on tight while genuine fear ran through my veins. But I knew there was no way out other than the ones you create yourself. I knew to rely on myself when I bet on a company with a big assignment others wouldn’t. It had paid off, and I had cried tears with a smile for the first time in this place. And at that moment, the rebel in me had folded to the 48-hour marathon I had run with no food or sleep before calling my mom with a smile I couldn’t shake off. Well played. IITK – 4, Rashmi – 3.
If you are expecting a great climax with our dear campus emerging on top, I am sorry to disappoint. It has been four months since that smile, and I have felt more like a rebel than ever. It turns out that when you care, this place makes it harder for you to breathe. I found myself living in my head more than ever. My eyes could only see people when they were searching for what I could be useful to them. People will search for what they can take from you – bits of your personality (which AI can’t lend them), items of use (when you yourself aren’t all that useful) or even your standing in IITK (your branch and the people you know are more useful than you think). I’m writing this while pondering why the magic didn’t linger.
But no, I can’t (in good conscious) add a score to my tally. I found courses/clubs I loved and people who cared even at the tail end of this journey. I probably brought up the bad to make a point. The magic didn’t stay, but a content feeling did. This place was a bit of an oxymoron. A happy sadness. It is only that I’m focusing on one over the other while scoring each checkpoint. But for figuring that out, I’ll give myself a point 😉 Rashmi – 4, IITK – 4 (Yes, I ended on a cliched draw, come fight me).
The courses/clubs I loved and the people who cared.
Now, I have asked you to listen to my story. I have told this in many words, which are motivated by self-preservation, but also with many that aren’t very crisp, direct, or anything real you would want to read from a senior here at IITK. You want to read a journal of every magical feeling I felt and every tear that preceded a rainbow. But all I had to give to you and me is this. It is cringy and incoherent, uses too many euphemisms to make any sense, and has no meaningful advice. I’ll only fix the last problem for you. Here is what I leave you with:
Oscar Wilde, one of my favourite authors, said, “It takes a great deal of courage to see the world in all its tainted glory and still to love it.” As I leave, I take this place and all its people with me for all the colours they have bled into me, not just the cheery summer hues. I look back not only at the happy memories but also at the toughest times because, despite the rebel in me, IITK gave me a place to call my own. I look back content with everything I didn’t do and sated with everything I did. I leave knowing I’m not defined by negations or ironic pieces but by these pretty little lies that I tell myself to please the small rebel in me 🙂
Written by : Rashmi G R
Edited by: Vidhi Chordia, Vedanshi Aggarwal
Designed by: Sanyam Shivhare
