Aditi is a Y15 PhD student graduating from the Department of Humanities and Social Sciences. In the 41st edition of As We Leave, Aditi shares her experiences on campus and how they shaped her into a completely new person. She narrates how this place has made very comfortable in pushing past her comfort zones and immune towards success or failure. It’s time we take a tour of her life at IITK.
Disclaimer:- The views presented below are the author’s own and are not in any manner representative of the views of Vox Populi as a body or IIT Kanpur in general. This is an informal account of the author’s experiences at IIT-K.
Initial Encouragement and takeaways
Transformative, if I had to describe my PhD journey in one word. It’s the journey that made me a person who doesn’t fear failure, and hardly let success get to the head. I’ve become comfortable pushing past my comfort zones and learned that going through things is the only way to go beyond them. PhD is the longest probation period in any field and my probation period was seven years. In these 7 years, I am more secure and tolerant of who I am. I am content with who I am. In the lab or real life, I no longer seek approbation. I don’t attempt to be better than anyone else; I have to do my best. I don’t wait for others to celebrate me or my work.
I am not sure if I had any dream at the start of my PhD, but I am leaving as someone who enjoys the research process and wants to pursue more and more research. That’s a victory! Instead of merely drifting along, I’ve begun to construct my own path. My path to realising my ambitions begins now.
Before I begin to elaborate my story a big shout out to all the things that have stayed with me throughout my journey and made this transformation possible – poetry, colours, the administrative posts and most significantly all those good friends who came to my aid.
I earned my Bachelor’s and Master’s degrees from the University of Allahabad, and like many other Illahabadis, I hoped to join the fabled IAS and serve the country. However, I did not have much support for the same, so I decided to pursue my interest in psychology by enrolling in research at IITK. I didn’t want to go into research because all I saw were sad and disappointed faces in PhD, but I didn’t have many options at the time. I was terrified! I was terrified to death! However, these seven years proved to be the best seven years of my life. And everyone who knows me knows me as a PhD candidate with a ‘life’!
First year: Course work and C grade
What exactly are these courses? What is the objective of studying them for PhD? I still haven’t come up with compelling answers to these queries!
It was jarring to see folks who had never met the person living next to their room. It was unusual to see folks in corridors not welcoming their wingies. I recall being so stressed during my first month on campus that I could hear my heartbeat every time I woke up in the morning. Because I didn’t like it here, I didn’t do well in my first semester! I got 3 Bs and 1 C grade. Some of my seniors here taught me not to expect much from the people here.
However, by the second semester, I had pulled my socks up and earned As and Ss. No Xs till the end of the PhD after that. Luckily!
Farhan Akhtar’s performance in Techkriti was the highlight for a newcomer in IIT. I consider myself privileged to listen to Piyush Mishra and Indian Ocean live. I need not mention other amazing performances and events at Techkriti and Antaragni.
Second year: Tuberculosis, Comprehensive, and SoTA
I took my parents for a trip to Manali on my earnings. Everything was almost getting on the track, but just as I was beginning to enjoy my work, BAMMMMM! ‘Beta, aapko TB ho gaya hai. Kara lo operation!’ It could not be cured with paracetamol and vitamin B. Fortunately, it was the most frequent skin TB, so I was able to fight it very easily. However, the initial days of hefty dosage of 3000 mg drugs were difficult to deal with in Kanpur during the scorching month of April. Poetry became my tool to attain calmness. It still is. Those who had visited my hostel room could spot a huge space allotted to the books on poetry…be it Urdu, Hindi, or English.
My comprehensive examination went pretty average. Only one of the four members was impressed. It was difficult to imagine myself in that situation, having gone from being a Gold Medalist at university to being simply an average PhD student grappling with her research question.
I was still taking my medications and experiencing negative effects during my SoTA. I stood at the podium for 30 minutes and my feet were shivering for 30 minutes. Overall, I was pleased with the feedback. But one issue nagged at me: “What is the point of my research?” What is the point of learning about face processing in the brain?!?!?! Did I get the answer? Continue reading to find out.
Third year: President of GH1
The experiments were going swimmingly. I received the mail for the HEC election unexpectedly one day. Unfortunately, I had no idea what HEC was. After two years of PhD studies, I had no idea what HEC was! It demonstrates how indifferent some PhDs are to the community in which they live.
Anyway…I attended the meeting with the then-current President. She recognised something in me and suggested me, to go for the role of President. I recognised that this was my chance to acquire a taste of administration, something I had previously been unable to pursue.
Many people inside and outside the hostel predicted that I would lose because my opponent came from the most popular and common group on campus, but for the first time, GH1 witnessed door-to-door campaigning (by me). Fortunately, I won by about 30 votes.
I learned a lot during my presidency, but one thing will stick with me: administration is not synonymous to UPSC. Many Central Universities are struggling simply because they lack good administrators. IITs are significantly superior to Central and State Universities, although it has its own set of minor and big flaws. If you have attended the open and closed door meetings at IITK, you would understand. Many professors do not even recognise the need of UG and PG committee members. In some meetings, students are not always treated equally. I consider myself fortunate to have worked with several professors who are unbiased and do not regard UG and PG students as “kids.” I enjoyed arguments with the security section whenever they imposed regressive norms and rules. ‘Document dikhaiye, kahan likha hai,’ was always my initial response. Saving the jobs of some staff members was the highlight of my tenure for me. I organised plantation drives, eco-friendly holi and diwali, sessions on usage of menstrual cups, yoga classes in GH1, etc. The most debatable issue will forever be of the dogs in the hostel. And the chillest aspect of the HEC experience was the HEC parties at the end of the tenure.
On the research front, I began to accept failure without questioning my abilities. I began focusing on the process rather than the end result of an experiment. I realised that method is the most crucial path for any effective research. Avoid falling in love with your research question or idea. Be truthful about the process. Intelligence is not as crucial as hard work and consistency. I also understood with time that I need a break from my work every two-three months to regain my energy, so I had trips to various cities in India throughout my PhD. I strongly recommend PhD scholars to understand what their mind needs for refreshment. I support the concept of delay of gratification, but it does not mean that we ruin our journey to make our destination fancy in the eyes of our family, relatives, or supervisor. Hardwork is important, but enjoying that hard work is also important. Getting out of your comfort zone is important, but mental health is also important. Struggle need not be frustrating or suffering, it can be enjoyable. Don’t be overambitious and under ambitious for PhD. Balance in life is the key to everything. Understand your balance. Involve yourself in activities and life outside your lab. Else, be ready for a world full of anxiety and stress.
Fourth year: France and Belgium
My very first conference presentation was at Leuven, Belgium. I also got awarded a travel grant of 500 Euros by the organisers. It was a joyous time for my family because no one had ever gotten out of India before. My most impressive presentation till date. And I got to meet several of the well-known cognitive scientists whose work I cited in my presentation. It was a fangirl moment! I travelled solo to Brussels, Leuven, and Paris. Definitely one of the most memorable periods of my life. Meeting independent females of age 20 to age 55 of different ethnicities at dorms was completely novel. One of the friends I made there was a grandma of three infants, and she used to travel by car from Amsterdam to Leuven every fortnight to meet her friends. We are still friends on Facebook and in touch.
As a senator in Gymkhana and acting PG representative in several meetings, I advocated for the PhD supervisor feedback mechanism from PG students. All I heard were excuses…from professors, students who sought to curry favour with some professors, and elected/nominated students. I have not yet succeeded; perhaps I did not try hard enough. However, as an alumni, I still vouch for it. I shall carry on this fight wherever I go. I was fortunate to have a normal supervisor who supported me and allowed me ample leeway. However, the PhD culture has deteriorated to the point where even normal appears fantastic and privileged. Not everyone is as fortunate as I am. We still need to put in a lot of effort for the ‘unlucky’ PhD students. It is beneficial to have counsellors on campus, but picture a higher education system in which students do not visit counsellors because of their toxic lab culture.
Fifth year: SSAC member…and COVID baby!
Enters COVID! Life is a slog. I cried a lot! Experiments were halted. It was difficult to survive at home. I used to make 500 gms sweets every second day, and ate 450 gms everytime. The coping mechanisms I used initially were not healthy at all. But later, Art of Living sessions, the series This is Us, stray dogs, cats, hobbies, and phone calls with pals all came to my aid. I began attending counselling sessions with a person I met online. As a psychology student and teacher, as well as a cognitive scientist, I was more interested in Jung’s approach of counselling than in receiving counselling. I attended some sessions and gained some insights.
I can’t go into detail about my SSAC experience because those meetings are strictly confidential, but I had a great time being a part of it. Thanks to the interviewers who chose me for this position. It also increased my self-confidence in numerous ways. I met some really kind-hearted professors in the committee who understood the concepts of reinforcement and punishment.
Sixth year: Online experiments…and offline heartbreaks…
After two rejections, my first paper was accepted for publication.
I intended to finish my thesis work by now, but I was dealing with every imaginable negative effect of being my guide’s first student. If you believe that the first PhD student is treated as the first born kid, please do not generalise! My guide’s encouragement eventually compelled me to master new talents. But, truly, the government should prioritise accelerating degree completion by 5 years. Alternatively, grant funds to PhD students until the thesis is submitted.
To accomplish my final study, I learnt and designed online experiments. My learning graph was satisfactory. My personal life, on the other hand, became a little wobbly about this time. Breakups and tricky situations with friends hurt just as much as problems with your relationship. I also experienced a conflict of emotions to see my friends leaving the campus for a better job or PhD opportunity. It’s never a good feeling when your regular contact in your hostel or lab leaves the campus. I am fortunate to have a lot of female pals here which was never the case in my school, University of Allahabad or even my hometown. But academia is about having pals with whom you closely identify settling far away from you.
However, a piece of good news from this year was that I overcame my fear of dogs. Earlier people used to ‘save’ me from the strays. Now I help terrified people in passing through corridors or streets where there is a pack of dogs. In addition, I became the proud aunt of a dog (bitch, actually) named Nymeria, who came to my room every day to sleep comfortably. She’s no ferocious Nymeria from Game of Thrones. She is actually the opposite, and I’m not sure who gave her that name, but I adore that kid. My Instagram handle contains reels of the cute canines (Dusky, Bruno, Gray, etc) from GH1. Do watch!
The campus also witnessed probably the only successful protest in my seven years of journey. The protest aimed at inter-hostel movement post COVID. I recall this protest as a memory that I can leave administration/politics, but administration/politics can not leave me.
Seventh year: Open, Submission, Adventure Club, Defence, Doctorrrr!
The second paper got published and was accepted for oral presentation in the world’s premier Cognitive Science conference. I also received an award of 1000 USD. I was fine. Not excited! Ya…PhD has that effect on some people. You are not happy or excited. You are just content that the work has been completed.
One unusual event in my final year was a potluck at the Cognitive Science department, where the professors of the department were the chefs and the majority of the students were their sous-chefs or assistants. Activities like these provide colour and a sense of community to the department. It is a concept I am stealing for my next job in any department.
After the open seminar and before submitting my application, I met the most incredible guy (also my trainer) on campus who joined me on the Annapurna Base Camp trek (4130 m)…the journey for which I was officially rejected by the Adventure Club. The trek of approximately 70 kms was completed in 5 days. I give myself a pat on the back for this. I also participated in a 10 km cross country run which was never in my wildest imaginations.
This journey reminded me of my PhD. There were numerous uphills and downhills, but one had to persevere. I took short breaks to re-energize myself, but I never stopped. I wasn’t running, but I was heading in the right direction. My trainer referred to me as a tortoise and a true pahaadan. I cried when I arrived at Base Camp. Similarly, I cried when I defended my work in March 2023. Trekking the mountains reminded me that my troubles and issues are not as powerful as I am. The mind is our most powerful entity; once it makes a decision, it follows through on it. And PhD taught me that if you are unable to attain or fulfil your goals despite your best efforts, accept it and continue to work hard for your daily minor goals and life’s larger goals with devotion and honesty.
अगर दसों दिशाएँ हमारे सामने होतीं,
हमारे चारों ओर नहीं।
कितना आसान होता चलते चले जाना
यदि केवल हम चलते होते
बाक़ी सब रुका होता।
मैंने अक्सर इस ऊलजलूल दुनिया को
दस सिरों से सोचने और बीस हाथों से पाने की कोशिश में
अपने लिए बेहद मुश्किल बना लिया है।
शुरू-शुरू में सब यही चाहते हैं
कि सब कुछ शुरू से शुरू हो,
लेकिन अंत तक पहुँचते-पहुँचते हिम्मत हार जाते हैं।
हमें कोई दिलचस्पी नहीं रहती
कि वह सब कैसे समाप्त होता है
जो इतनी धूमधाम से शुरू हुआ था
हमारे चाहने पर।
दुर्गम वनों और ऊँचे पर्वतों को जीतते हुए
जब तुम अंतिम ऊँचाई को भी जीत लोगे—
जब तुम्हें लगेगा कि कोई अंतर नहीं बचा अब
तुममें और उन पत्थरों की कठोरता में
जिन्हें तुमने जीता है—
जब तुम अपने मस्तक पर बर्फ़ का पहला तूफ़ान झेलोगे
और काँपोगे नहीं—
तब तुम पाओगे कि कोई फ़र्क़ नहीं
सब कुछ जीत लेने में
और अंत तक हिम्मत न हारने में।
- कुँवर नारायण
In my final year of PhD, I did not involve myself in administration, but the expulsion of dogs from hostel in the harsh winter, the dysfunction of some clubs, inter-departmental rivalry, and the abrupt construction in GH1, as well as the reactions of elected members and chair holders in that situation, were devastating. Earlier, this was not the case with our administration. It had flaws, but people were willing to strive for improvement. Elected officials used to pay attention. They did things for people. At the very least, they tried… However, many new position holders do not want to know how open the culture was, there are physical and mental barriers everywhere, there is no courage left to even take calculated risks, and ego is so high that feedback/suggestion from seniors is considered an insult. We urgently require better elected/nominated/interviewed representatives. I hope that those who have joined student committees this session are willing to work honestly for students and our respected campus.
Concluding Statement
They argue that PhDs and research should be about benefiting society rather than pursuing academic honours. Throughout my PhD career, I came across this remark numerous times and questioned my work hundreds of times. The journey has taught me that just as every component and the specific colour pattern of that component in a jigsaw puzzle is important in making a whole story, so is every basic and small research question in leading to a question that helps in improving the specific domains of a society and, ultimately, as a whole. The key is to begin with a question that seeks to answer a problem.
They told me a PhD makes you a better person, not just a scholar. I used to assume it was just another sanctimonious phrase made by experts to get people to take PhD seriously. However, the voyage taught me how true this sentence is. I certainly do not consider myself an expert in the field of self-face processing, let alone cognition. However, the process has taught me to deal with setbacks, overcome lack of confidence, develop a willingness to investigate different approaches to solving an issue, moving outside of my comfort zone, and so on.
I applied for postdoctoral posts outside India in a few places, but the process was taking too long, and I needed to be financially stable as soon as possible. I had already spent the entire previous year on my savings. So now I am joining O P Jindal Global University as an Assistant Professor, but fortunately, I am also going to collaborate with the researchers I wanted to work with for a postdoc. I am really pleased to begin my new career as a research principal investigator, teacher, and administrator. I want to investigate how my work can be beneficial to people with distorted faces, autism, depression, anorexia nervosa, and Alzheimer’s. Using AI in social media, it has the potential to reduce prejudices, promote empathy, and increase accountability and good conduct.
Finally, I would like to thank everyone who came across me and helped me along the way. Whether it is my coworkers, friends, supervisor, Gymkhana, hostel residents, employees, workers, juice wale bhaiya, cycle wale bhaiya, and so on. I am going to miss the lemon poppyseed cake at CCD, Hall 11’s canteen food, my mess food, the birthday parties at OAT, conditioning at PE ground, pyjama parties with my girls, the late-night ice-creams and walks, movie nights, discussions on casteism to multiverse…the list is never ending. This campus has given me a large amount of joy, experiences, and lessons that I will treasure for the rest of my life. IIT Kanpur ka tempo…HIGH HAI! Bye-bye, adios!
Written by – Aditi Jublie
Edited by – Likith Sai, Mutasim Khan
Designed by – Sachidanand
