Saksham is an undergraduate from the Department of Electrical Engineering. He takes us through his struggles, reflections and journey of self-discovery. He shares how he managed to get a branch change after two gruelling semesters. He also talks about the missed opportunities and frustration during Covid. Let’s dive into his ‘Tale Of Regrets(?)’ to learn how he rediscovered joy and connections and learnt to embrace the present.
Disclaimer:- The views presented below are the author’s own and are not in any manner representative of the views of Vox Populi as a body or IIT Kanpur in general. This is an informal account of the author’s experiences at IIT-K.
The mere thought of penning an article that signifies the culmination of my journey at IIT K troubles me deeply. After all, a life within the hallowed halls of IIT had been a cherished dream of mine for years. And truth be told, when I emerged from the exam hall on that fateful day, May 27th, 2019, I had little reason to believe that I was going to secure admission into IIT. Perhaps I underestimated my own abilities, or perhaps I was hesitant to let excitement consume me entirely. Nevertheless, I was content with the results. It was probably the sole instance in the past four years where I felt no regrets.
The first glimpse of the campus came to me when we were required to report for document verification at the nearest IIT. The sheer magnificence of the surroundings left me awestruck, and at that moment, I made the impulsive decision to freeze the choice allotted to me(there were, of course, other factors at play 🙂 ). Little did I know that this decision would set in motion a series of regrets. Like many—perhaps all—others, I had absolutely no clue about my true “interests” at that time. The only ammunition I possessed to make a decision was the previous year’s cut-offs. Consequently, I found myself enrolled as a “यांत्रिक अभियांत्रिकी” student.
No sooner had I stepped foot into the first TA101 lab, a sinking feeling washed over me, and I couldn’t help but wonder if I had made one of the gravest decisions of my life. Admittedly, engineering drawing alone did not encapsulate the essence of mechanical engineering, but that initial lab experience provided me with a glimpse of what lay ahead in the coming years. Remember, it was a time when we remained blissfully unaware of the horrors that awaited us during the internship season (IYKYK). And then there was the (un)prestigious option of branch change. This campus, in all its glory, held everything I had envisioned in the college of my dreams. It offered a myriad of opportunities to nurture my passion for debating and participating in plays. There was an amazing sports infrastructure, and then there were organizations boasting about granting us the chance to delve into lofty concepts like machine learning (at least, that’s how it seemed at the time). And yet I knew deep down that branch change was my only way out, so I willingly trapped myself in a relentless cycle of studying. The burning desire to liberate myself from the clutches of my JEE preparation days was eclipsed by the greed for a supposedly “better” branch.
It didn’t take long for me to realize that I was no longer in the comfort of my familiar local coaching center or school. The memories of those MTH101 lectures still send shivers down my spine, as I felt utterly lost and clueless. Never before had I experienced such a sense of helplessness. This feeling seemed to permeate through almost every other course as well. It began to dawn on me that perhaps I didn’t belong here. There were those individuals (aren’t there always?) who effortlessly managed everything, while I found myself trapped in a seemingly endless “vicious cycle,” unable to excel in any one thing, which only fueled my regrets further. Nevertheless, giving up was never in my nature.
Eventually, I did manage to secure a branch change after two grueling semesters. But at what cost? It was a proud moment, indeed! The intriguing part, though, was that even after the change, I still wasn’t entirely satisfied because I had missed out on CSE by the narrowest of margins. It’s amusing to reflect on this now—the insatiable greed that can consume us as humans.
By now, you may have gathered that my first year at the campus didn’t quite align with the celebrated experiences of the campus community. No “galaxy”, no “inferno” (although I did participate in “Takneek”, so please spare me the “maggu” label for that one !), and certainly no late-night “bullas” with friends. I made a resolution to compensate for those missed opportunities in my second year, fully embracing the chance to enjoy without the looming pressure of grades. But as fate would have it, life had a different plan in store, and that plan was called COVID.
The period of COVID will forever remain my biggest source of regret. Initially, I must confess, the onset of the pandemic brought a faint smile to my face. Who wouldn’t appreciate a respite from the relentless hustle and bustle under the scorching afternoon sun—rushing from classes to labs to the hostel to CC, and everything in between? However, within just a week, the harsh reality sank in, and I realized that something terribly wrong had occurred. Those two years that followed were nothing short of frustrating, to say the least. There were moments when I felt on the verge of tears. I tried my hand at various non-academic pursuits (remember my resolution?), but the online mode of everything offered little solace. I’d rather not delve into further detail about that period, as it continues to pain me.
A wave of sheer joy engulfed me when the news finally arrived that we were granted permission to return to campus. It was a moment to mend the weakened bonds and forge new ones. Having learned from the past, I was determined not to repeat the same mistakes. We had a whole year ahead of us, and we were determined to make the most of it. From the “infamous” Hall 1 weekends to spontaneous short trips. From the vibrant festivities of “Antaragni” to tranquil late-night strolls across the campus. And there were experiences I can’t mention here. It’s hard to believe, that I found myself studying for my courses just one night before the exams in the last semester (which is typically the norm!). I want to give a special shoutout to my C2 mates, who made this past year some of the most unforgettable moments of my life. The placement season revealed that we had become more than friends—we had become a family, celebrating each other’s successes as our own and enduring every rejection as our collective burden. It’s essential to acknowledge the unwavering support these incredible individuals provided me through the ups and downs of this journey.
As I reflect upon the past four years, do I still harbor regrets over the decisions and outcomes I encountered along the way? The truth is, I don’t. It is what it is, and there were factors beyond my control at play. Of course, I do feel a tinge of sadness about not holding a flashy Gymkhana PoR or not getting the opportunity to participate in Inter-IIT or missing out on my department farewell (that’s a story for another day), and so on. However, I don’t dwell in regret. From my perspective, there’s a very fine line between feeling sad and feeling regretful. In the words of Mark Manson (if you haven’t read “that” masterpiece yet, pause here and read it first !), it’s quite futile to “feel so guilty for every mistake you make that you begin to feel guilty about how guilty you are feeling. Welcome to the Feedback Loop from Hell.” What truly matters is following the process honestly irrespective of results (“whistle” if you got that ref. !!!), and I believe I have achieved the closure I desired.
Now, as I prepare to bid farewell to this illustrious institution that has shaped me in countless ways, I stand here with a heart brimming with gratitude and memories. I may not have had the conventional IIT experience (or maybe I did ? You decide!), but what I gained far outweighs what I missed. I found resilience and perseverance within myself. I forged bonds that will last a lifetime. I discovered that regrets are part of the journey, but they need not define it. As I leave IIT K, I carry with me a sense of accomplishment, a newfound understanding of myself, and the lessons that will guide me in the years to come. There’s nothing more to add.
If, by any chance, you have made it this far, I sincerely thank you for enduring my ramblings. I would like to conclude with a few lines from my Class X books, by Shivmangal Singh ‘Suman’, which continue to inspire me to this day:
इस विशद विश्व-प्रवाह में
किसको नहीं बहना पडा
सुख-दुख हमारी ही तरह,
किसको नहीं सहना पडा
फिर व्यर्थ क्यों कहता फिरूँ,
मुझ पर विधाता वाम है,
चलना हमारा काम है।
मैं पूर्णता की खोज में
दर-दर भटकता ही रहा
प्रत्येक पग पर कुछ न कुछ
रोडा अटकता ही रहा
निराशा क्यों मुझे?
जीवन इसी का नाम है,
चलना हमारा काम है।
~शिवमंगल सिंह ‘सुमन’
Written by: Saksham Mehra
Edited by: Kunaal Gautam, Nandini Vaid
Design by: Manasvi Jain
