Shreyasi Roy Choudhury is a graduating Y18 student from the Department of Chemistry. She looks back at her time at IITK, her struggles, and how she managed to secure an offer for PhD in Chemical Biology at the University of Chicago, Illinois, USA.
Disclaimer:- The views presented below are the author’s own and are not in any manner representative of the views of Vox Populi as a body or IIT Kanpur in general. This is an informal account of the author’s experiences at IIT-K.
The Struggle is Real
When I started on this journey of pursuing a BS in Chemistry at IIT Kanpur, there were a lot of things I was very excited about but equally intimidated about: Staying away from home for the very first time and dealing with life on my own, getting to be amidst some of the best young minds of the country while secretly battling the Imposter syndrome since day 0, exploring Chemistry- the subject that I was fascinated by, that majorly got me through all the nine entrance examinations that I had to appear (thanks to my parents who thought their daughter should be a doctor, but why not try engineering and research too!), and the plethora of possibilities that lay ahead of me; the list of all such things, that gave me sleepless nights before joining IITK with a dream to graduate one day with flying colours, is endless. For me, college life was very idealistic, both academic and non-academic. The pressure of living up to those expectations while coming from a ‘lower branch‘ (which was made very clear during orientation itself and repeated on several occasions throughout the first year) got to my head.
Hailing from an interior area, without any coaching background, having been bullied for several years since childhood and through school, and eventually ending up in a place like this where every person was better than another, in some aspect or the other, shook my self-confidence to the core. Some very unexpected series of encounters and confrontations got the best of me in my first year at IIT Kanpur. I went from being a forever-enthusiastic, ready-to-mingle, fun-loving teenager to a timid, cocooned-up fresher. I was actively trying to avoid confrontations, interactions, and even participating in events out of my comfort zone (something that I was never afraid of since early childhood). I also felt guilty that I had no control over external situations that changed me in ways I didn’t like. However, I didn’t feel capable of battling these changes at this point.
I wouldn’t want to delve deeper into the details of those difficult circumstances that I had to live through. Still, all those challenges somehow got stuck in my head. I almost started using them as excuses for my academic underperformance or inability to do justice to my potential while also suffering physically and mentally. I am incredibly thankful to a few generous seniors who stood by me and Shivangi, who lent a shoulder whenever needed throughout those tough times and helped me believe in myself when I almost gave up.
I realise that most of my readers here might not relate to the idea of such challenging times for a fresher after anti-ragging measures had already been enforced. However, there is still a section of people in every batch, who have to deal with a lot of challenges because of the established hierarchy, traditions, stereotypical perspectives, ‘judging-by-the-cover’ attitude and unempathetic intentions of their peers, sometimes even owing to factors totally out of their control. Beyond the rainbow tainted aspirations of a teenager who came with the expectations of everything warm and vibrant at the place of her dreams, I learned many valuable lessons, the hard way mostly, from those failures, mistakes, and challenges. It made me stronger and firmly determined to turn around my academic graph and social presence. At the end of my first year, I had started breaking out of this vicious loop of self-doubt and pity. I began to grow the courage to stand and fight for myself.
Time to Fight Back
Right after the end semester examinations of my first year, I tirelessly wrote 108 emails to Professors all across the country, seeking any training or internship. I sought a real taste of Chemistry that I was so eager to explore but was not even introduced to in any worthy sense in my first year. Deriving passion and inspiration from everything that I wanted to amend from my first year, I ensured that each email was specific to the Professor’s research profile. I honestly highlighted that I was just an inexperienced fresher, but with a genuine interest in learning even the most challenging tasks required of me. This determination fetched me my first summer internship at IISER Kolkata at the Theoretical and Quantum Chemistry Lab with just a six-pointer CPI. All I had to do throughout my summer was explore, practice, and implement complex algebra and quantum mechanics, which were dreadful for me during IC courses in the first year. But this time, I resisted giving up. Instead, I realised that my shattered self-confidence kept me from studying with complete focus and intent, which led to my poor performance in those courses. The words of my mentor at the end of the internship will forever continue to inspire me –
“Those grades on a sheet of paper cannot define the potential you hold and the place where you are meant to be, but your courage and persistence do. You have proved yourself and everything that you are worthy of!”
However, I did not pursue quantum mechanics for very long after that. I felt a strong inclination toward the chemistry-biology interface. Still, this internship shall continue to be the most inspiring phase of my life. I faced several setbacks in learning complex algebra, considering my concepts from the introductory courses weren’t clear. Yet I managed my way out and performed pretty decently while also finding a direction for how to determine my areas of research interest in Chemistry.
I carried forward this inspiration and determination to make the best of my times ahead, and those efforts paid off. Despite the overloaded semesters, interdisciplinary courses, and everything else that I was afraid of still being around, my career graph took an ascent. I had grown to be immune to those factors and started to work on my flaws, little by little. It worked as a great feedback loop, in which the result of the last semester only made me work several manifolds harder for the next. I was no longer afraid of exploring challenging and demanding courses, of underperforming or failing. All that mattered now was my intent to learn and identify which research field would be my perfect match. All my department-compulsory and elective courses in Chemistry went exceptionally well. Although the foundational preparation and understanding these courses ought to provide are yet to bridge a huge gap, these courses nevertheless inspired me to explore different research domains. They introduced me to a mentor without whom I wouldn’t have been able to decide my future motivation for research. I was allowed to participate in lab training, group meetings, presentations, and seminars from early on, which revived all the valuable qualities that I lost in my first year. I started taking an active interest in current chemistry research trends, and even my inexperienced questions opened the doors to some unexpectedly wonderful opportunities. Because I was determined to pursue higher studies in Chemistry, I worked on channelling all my energy and time in that direction. I am thankful to so many inspiring people from very diverse domains who identified my enthusiasm, sat down with me to organise my template, discussed internships and graduate school protocols, and helped me understand how to build a good portfolio for the future. The pandemic took a significant toll on my health yet again. Being confined at home for almost 1.5 years was extremely stressful as I lost some very important national and international internships and opportunities. Also, I had previously decided to participate in the ongoing research of a group I joined during the winter of 2019. Instead, all I could do was attend online lectures and eventually online laboratory classes too, which, honestly, were hardly of any practical use. However, the concepts did widen the knowledge space.
Celebrating the Invaluable Bonds and Lessons Along the Way!
It would be unfair if I did not mention the contribution of a few people who were my pillars of strength, a powerhouse of care, warmth, and inspiration through the disheartening phase of the Covid19 pandemic. As I had previously mentioned, many of the attributes of my personality and interests changed when I joined IITK. Still, the one thing that stayed constant and has been my saviour all my life was music. The pandemic was bearable despite many challenges and constraints that I faced at home, majorly because of music and the bonds that it brought forth. I joined the Music Club, IIT Kanpur, during the Freshers in 2018. It was possibly the only thing that I was unafraid of exploring and giving my best in.
My faith in music and love for the art was way above everything else. It helped me continue with the Club and eventually become a Coordinator during the 2020-2021 term. I met some very talented and passionate people at the Music Club, who made me realise the immense scope of growth by exploring different genres of music. These people will continue to inspire my musical journey wherever I go. I feel so blessed to have had the opportunity to jam and bond with such a vibrant group. I have grown immensely, not just as a musician but also as a person, since the first time I joined. I couldn’t be more grateful to every senior and Club member who contributed to this process.
The one name that deserves mention in my AWL is Sankalp Sharma, a fellow batchmate from Chemical Engineering and an equally passionate and talented member of the Music Club. Without him, I would’ve never realised the gravity and value of friendship in true essence. Sankalp has been one of the kindest and most generous of all people that I have ever come across. I can’t thank my stars enough that music in my life could foster a bond so invaluable as the one I shared with him during these years. That empowered me like never before and led to some very essential realisations of my flaws that needed work and of the stronger and braver versions of myself that I strived to become every day. I can not imagine surviving through my Coordinator term without him as a fellow Coordinator by my side and through all the thick and thin in all these years at IIT. I only hope to see this bond growing stronger at the core, despite time and distance, in the years to come.
Managing multiple positions of responsibility and juggling several interests at once was also a challenge. However, my academic results and performance in all such PORs and additional commitments were the best in the semesters I had many of them. Hence, I would say that when vested with multiple commitments, undoubtedly set a priority order but never try to avoid such opportunities. With time, you will learn to manage all your roles efficiently. You might even manage to give your best and achieve unexpected heights with practice, patience, and dedication. My term as a Coordinator of the Music Club involved a lot of challenges due to the ongoing pandemic, which forced all the student activities to transition into online mode. Still, we managed to find new and innovative ways to expand our horizons. We managed to bring together alumni from as long back as the 1970s in a celebration of the musical heritage of IITK, only to inspire the upcoming generations to lead the path of glory ahead. This event, called the ‘Evergreen melodies 2021’, shall continue to be a major highlight of my journey at IITK. I wouldn’t have been able to accomplish this without my fellow Coordinators, Sankalp, Prayas, and Adarsh, and the support of my Y18 MClub batchmates. Despite the loaded semester and commitments being a Coordinator, both the semesters of my tenure proved to be quite decent and inspired me to perform even better ahead.
Rock Bottom or Stepping Stones?
Academically, by this time, I had started exploring different areas of interest while maintaining a constant interest in Chemical Biology. To ensure that the lost internships during the pandemic (overseas- at Munich, Germany, and national- at TIFR, Hyderabad) would not deprive me of my share of learning and growth, I enrolled in a plethora of detailed online courses, religiously read endless papers. I tried to understand what ignites the fire in me and what doesn’t work for me, and I also took up online projects and the SURGE 2021 Summer internship. These proved to be highly beneficial in building a strong resume for graduate applications. Meanwhile, being disheartened at the absence of practical experience, I converted my BS into a Dual Degree program. I overworked through all the semesters to complete higher courses to prepare for the graduate school requirements. However, by the end of 2021, I realised that a Dual degree’s course and program objectives did not align with the goal that I had set for myself in the upcoming year. In the moment of that realisation, I decided to give my best and start applying to Graduate schools with whatever knowledge and experience I had, without any fear or self-doubt coming in my way and risking dropping my Dual Degree- a risk that eventually paid off! I wrote countless cold emails and started appearing in in-take interviews as early as August, which continued until February 2022.
This entire process was indeed very stressful, but more importantly, lonesome, as most of the batch of 2022 was preparing/ sitting for placements. Therefore, most of my friends/acquaintances were overwhelmed with their preparations. I didn’t have any peers in the same boat as me who would relate in real essence and provide me with a shoulder of empathy that I needed. Even though this phase, Sankalp was the most resourceful and encouraging guiding light that I could ask for, despite his overwhelming preparations in profiles and domains completely disjoint from mine. This phase made me see the absence of support from the institute, lack of empathy and motivation from peers for those taking the courage to walk the ‘road not taken’, unlike those who choose to sit for placements having the SPO there by protocol, throughout the process, if not anyone else. It was also the phase when for the first time, I questioned if Chemistry was the right fit for me? Or were the last three years a sheer mistake? Did I give up on financial independence and instead chose a path of sheer uncertainty for myself?
Once I made up my mind and held onto the courage through all the thick and thin, I managed to answer all those questions of uncertainty that had clouded up my mind back then. I got support from Sankalp, Prayas, Shivangi, Ayushi, Sonali, Sumit, Kothary (Rishabh), Pal (Adarsh), Wasif, Arunim, Yashkrit, Swadha, Basu (Ayush), Naskar (Wrishik) and so many others from my friend circle and even my seniors. In the end, the process has been unexpectedly rewarding. I could’ve never imagined being selected for a PhD position at the institute, which was my first preference, under a researcher whose work genuinely inspired me. It has given me sleepless nights, trying to think how I could learn and contribute to the fascinating research that her lab focuses on. Once again, my belief that handling multiple responsibilities honestly and with dedication only makes us more efficient proved correct. The parallelly ongoing semester proved to be the academic peak for me, with an SPI of 10. The moment of the result brought happy tears as I had finally managed to live through one challenging rollercoaster ride from a six-pointer in the first year to finally an 8.5 pointer.
Difficult Endings and Magical Beginnings!
With an offer in hand and many engagements related to Visa processing, I ensured that I continued to avidly follow the research and not become content with just the offer. I made memories that would last a lifetime in the last semester. Finally, I enjoyed the aftermath of not giving up and holding on tight through all the high and low phases of my journey at IITK. Bidding goodbyes to my friends, who have now become a family for life, was the toughest part of this journey. But I believe that our stories and connections still have a long way to go, and I wholeheartedly wish for the most deserving places and zeniths for all of my graduating colleagues in the years to come!
In the end, I am happy to think of all the bonds I made and the lessons I learned, irrespective of the easier or the harder way. I am proud of the incredible metamorphosis that I underwent, from the first year to the final year, without giving up on my fascination for Chemistry and the million dreams that still keep me awake!
A Note in a Nutshell for the Reader
My final words for any fresher or current student reading this piece would be that –
“Your journey through college need not be defined by the craziest of acts that you managed to pull off, the number of popular groups that you succeeded in being a part of, or by the transformation into a daring ‘chill’ person that you ought to have become. Beyond the idealistic perceptions and stereotypes, let your college life be a victory anthem of your transformation into a stronger and better version of yourself, now skillfully prepared to face the odds of the world with a treasure full of diverse experiences. Let it be an anthem of your undeterred courage of hanging in there, through the failures and the rock bottoms, and of not giving up the faith in yourself. Let your college life be a celebration of ‘YOU’– the transition of a timid, naive first-year student into whoever you have become today. Owing to your own unique set of struggles and choices, failures and successes, mistakes and learnings, memories and voids of heartbreaks and unabated love, and so much more on this journey, that has added a lot of meaning and provided you with a direction for your future ahead.”
The Final Ode
Here’s an ode to the place that will remain my home forever, the best four years of my life to date, and some of the most invaluable memories and precious bonds that I could ask for!”
Written by: Shreyasi Roy Choudhury
Edited by: Aniruddh Pramod, Bhavya Sikarwar
