As We Leave…#15

Harsh Gupta is a final year undergraduate in the Mechanical Engineering department. Let’s have a look at his journey at IIT Kanpur and live the nostalgia and reminiscence with him.

Disclaimer:- The views presented below are the author’s own and are not in any manner representative of the views of Vox Populi as a body or IIT Kanpur in general. This is an informal account of the author’s experiences at IIT K. 

Hey everybody! Hope you are all doing fine and staying healthy! Welcome to my side of the story. Up until now, most of you have known me to be a fun-loving, carefree, cheery guy with a broad smile always on his face. All of this is true definitely, but there’s a lot more to what goes on inside. In this article, I aim to bring upon the untold and unheard side of the story, one which most-often fails to make the headlines. So, without further ado, let’s dive right in!

If it is about telling a journey, it would obviously start with the dream. Yes, I had made it to IIT Kanpur, one of the best in the country! The first semester was pure bliss. Getting to experience the magnificence of IITK, learning about its rich, diverse culture, it was all an overwhelming & mesmerizing experience. The second semester started with ‘Galaxy’ being the talk of the town! There was a wind of excitement & enthusiasm sweeping through us all as the practices for this cultural extravaganza began! I had participated in Dance events and boy it was so fantastic! Memories of intense practice sessions, all those night outs, skipping lectures, and ultimately winning the prestigious Galaxy & Dance trophy flash through my mind as I recall those beautiful times. 

But inside of my mind, there was a different problem finding its root and growing. I remember some of my dance practice sessions when I would feel an enormous amount of anxiety resulting from the fear of certain thoughts becoming true. It would make me uncomfortable in my own skin. Not that it used to happen all the time, but yes, often enough to affect me in a bad, bad way. It was like a tendency. A vicious loop of overthinking. My mind used to be preoccupied with recurring compulsive thoughts, some of which leaving me anxious & sweating. I used to try my best to keep myself distracted from these thoughts so that they could stop affecting me, but with little success. On occasions, my mind wouldn’t stop overthinking, imagining the rarest of scenarios and most uncommon of things, leaving me completely gripped in anxiety. These feelings were further amplified as I did not share them with anyone and kept them to myself. I feared being judged and mocked. 

This pattern continued on and off, throughout the second sem, until I realized I can’t deal with all of this alone. I knew I needed to seek professional help and go see a psychiatrist. So, I mustered all my courage and finally decided to open up to my parents about what all I had been going through, asking them to let me visit a psychiatrist. My parents were extremely supportive. So, summer’17 was the 1st time I visited a psychiatrist and above all, it was relieving! He diagnosed me with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) and Anxiety issues and suggested I undertake medication. So, without any further delay, I undertook medication and thankfully, could see the positive results straight away. I was in a much better state of mind now. Feeling at peace with myself. However, I still did not share this with any of my friends. I used to secretly take my meds, hiding it from my roomie as if feeling guilty and ashamed about taking them. You see that’s the kind of stigma mental health holds in our society. 

I continued my meds for about a month and a half and then stopped, thinking that I’m now absolutely all right. The issues I had been facing did subside to a significant extent, but some of them were still there, on and off. For the next two years, I dealt with all sorts of uneasiness and anxiety myself, that used to hit me time and again, thinking that it is something I need to learn to cope up with. And I did learn to tackle my problems by naturally developing some sorts of defense mechanisms. The first of them obviously was to pretend in society as if nothing is wrong. To always keep a smile no matter how troubled you might feel internally. Because it’s not easy to explain your problem to anyone and hope that they will understand it.   

So, by the time my 7th semester started, I was pretty much used to dealing with my OCD and anxiety, and the uneasiness it caused sporadically. It did hinder my working efficiency to a significant extent and occupied a big chunk of my mental prowess in dealing with it, and consequently, I was left with less mental energy to focus on my academics and other constructive things. But, as I said, I had grown used to them.

7th semester was the Placement sem when the recruitment process of the companies would start, with their tests and PPTs happening. I was targeting coding profiles and had the confidence that I would crack the placements if I diligently continue with my preparations. I knew I hadn’t been able to devote enough time to my preparations during the summer’19 owing to my internship and therefore, 7th sem for me was key! I had been doing just fine up until late September, after which something changed. It was around the Dussehra break in early Oct, that I realized that I had started feeling very dull & pessimistic as if lacking motivation & purpose. It was a very strange & complex feeling, difficult to put into words. I didn’t feel like getting off my bed those days and getting any work done. For about 2 weeks then, my preparations had taken a serious hit. I was all over the place. But this time I was extremely determined. I had decided that no matter what, I will NOT allow anything to get in my way and affect my placements. I wanted to get rid of my mental troubles once and for all! So, October 24th was the 2nd time I visited the psychiatrist. This time determined to carry on with my meds and be in constant touch with my doctor until the time I’m completely cured! 

I knew of my OCD & anxiety troubles now, but, to my surprise, this time I was also diagnosed with Depression, alongside these! It came as a shocker for me! I remember feeling numb for a moment in front of my doc because not even in the worst of my nightmares had I ever imagined myself to be in depression! But this time my attitude was different. I wanted to get rid of my mental illness once and for all! And wanted to be at my absolute best by the time placements began! By god’s grace, there was no turning back ever since. Soon after my session with the doc, I could feel the positive changes in my mood, mindset, and behavior and I was able to get back to working properly in no time, with my efficiency increasing and anxiety alleviating! Finally, all the efforts and hard work paid off as I landed a job offer in NoBroker in the Software Developer role on December 2nd. Undoubtedly, it was one of the happiest days of my life.

In hindsight, I realize that it wasn’t so difficult to deal with my mental illness had I continued with my medication and remained in touch with my doctor the very first time itself! Rather, it was made difficult because of the STIGMA that surrounds it! The TABOO it has become, courtesy of our society! Which makes the process of reaching out & seeking help extremely difficult! Because of which people suffer. If only we treat mental health the same way we treated our physical health-related problems, the world would become so much easier & better for so many of the people facing any such problems. This was precisely the reason why I chose to share my side of the story related to mental health through this article. It is an attempt to normalize such issues, to advocate that it is OKAY if any of you is facing any such problem & to convey that it’s absolutely alright to go see a counsellor, therapist or a psychiatrist, whenever need be!

My journey would be incomplete without the mention of Photography Club, IITK in it. Some of my most endearing memories of college life come from the Photography Club itself. From conducting workshops, organizing photo-walks, setting up exhibitions to leading the team in the Inter IIT Cult Meet’18, I had seen it all. It was a wholesome and enriching experience. FMC room was one place where I would find solace and happiness from my otherwise monotonous schedule. It used to switch me into a different zone altogether. Obviously the soul of the club lies in its members! And we were fortunate to have a great bunch of people as part of the club. In hindsight, I feel glad and proud to have been a part of the legacy of the club. It catered to my leadership and creative side and became the reason for some of my happiest memories in IIT Kanpur!

Life can be really difficult if you don’t have supportive friends around you! I realized this from 5th semester onwards when I had slowly and steadily started opening up about my mental health issues with my friends. It used to be a big relief. Although it took me A LOT of time (until mid 7th semester) to properly open up to my friends and talk about exactly how I feel, I’m glad this happened! It helped me come out of my shell and break the mental barrier that exists towards seeking help in case of mental health problems. No wonder they say, TALKING HELPS! My two pillars of strength in my college life were Prateek Gupta & Ritik Rohit! They were like my go-to peeps in any time of crisis. It would be unfair if I miss out on some of the other names who’ve been supportive of me, acknowledged me, and made me realize I’m worth something! Vinayak S Kamath, Arnav Garg, Simran Sundrani, Shikhar Dayal, Ayush Garg & Priyal Sachan! Thank You! College life wouldn’t have been as memorable if it weren’t for you! 

Before I wrap things up, let me advocate some ‘gyaan’, especially for the junior batches. First & foremost, believe in yourself & know your worth! Never let your CPI or anyone else decide that for you! YOU decide that for yourself! Secondly, I recall meeting certain folks with a very pessimistic attitude right before the placement season, as if they’d already given up on placements or left it upon fortune to get placed! PLEASE DO NOT BE SUCH A PERSON! Having the right attitude is important! Always remember, half the battle is won or lost in our minds! Lastly, (bear with me please :P) know that mental health issues are REAL! That it’s okay if you are facing any such issues. I want you to know that it’s absolutely fine to seek professional help, to see a counsellor, therapist, or a psychiatrist, whenever you feel the need to. Never shy away from such problems, rather, accept them, confront them, and try to get past them. That’s precisely the reason why I shared my story related to mental health in this piece.

Lastly, don’t forget to have fun and make fond memories. When you’ll be at the edge of the shore, having completed your journey, it’s these sweet memories that you’ll carry forward with yourself for the rest of your lives. With this, I end my piece.

Written by:- Harsh Gupta

Edited by:- Aryan Pandeya.