As We Leave…#18

Shivali is a final year undergraduate in the Chemical Engineering Department. Let’s have a look at her journey at IIT Kanpur and live the nostalgia with her.

Disclaimer:- The views presented below are the author’s own and are not in any manner representative of the views of Vox Populi as a body or IIT Kanpur in general. This is an informal account of the author’s experiences at IIT K. 

“Takleef hui iss baar, 

khushi bhi thi ki apne saath vaapis 

yaadon ka ek bada sa suitcase le jaa rahi thi, 

jinhe main kabhi nahi bhool paaongi.”  

-Naina Talwar (Get ready for more quotes from my favorite Bollywood film: Yeh Jawaani Hai Deewani)

Where do I even begin telling this story? It was a long journey that we traveled, and looking back at it now, I am gripped with nostalgia. Let’s start at the very beginning. Although my first year at IITK has given me some terrific memories, it was not a great start. I wanted to use my time here to try out everything that I had wanted to do after finally getting the freedom after JEE. I attended way too many workshops, responded to almost every email we received, and tried to get involved in many clubs and fests. I found it challenging to cope academically because of that, and an insincere effort to keep up with the classes and tutorials. Apart from this, in the first sem, I was too moody, disgruntled most of the time because of not being able to balance things. It was only after I met some of the most amiable people in my second sem (with whom I would stay till the end of my journey at IITK), did I start to enjoy my stay here.

In my second year, because literally ALL of my friends/wingies were doing it, I too applied for the post of HEC and became the Science and Technology Secy. I took up a lot of things simultaneously in this semester: Takneek, antaragni dance practices, FLP german course, techkriti, Ritambhara secy, SPO secy, aero club – all of this in one sem (and I bet there were some other things too which I cannot recall right now)! I wanted to take up everything at once and prove myself at multitasking. I felt I had matured after the first year, and this time I would be successful in balancing things. I kept oscillating from one club to another the entire day, leaving myself no time to study which resulted in single-digit marks in tests. After Takneek ended, I had just one week left to prepare for my midsem. This caused me a nervous breakdown. I sat down on Monday, trying to begin studying subjects from scratch, and I just couldn’t. I was crying and cursing myself for neglecting studies to such an extent. Monday went by, and I couldn’t open my textbooks. Since I didn’t want to disturb my friends because exams were near, I went to a solitary place in the academic area at night and called my dad and cried my heart out on the phone. In an effort to calm me down, he joked about not failing any course and told me he doesn’t care even if I get D in all my courses.

I started studying from the very next day and talked to dad almost 3-4 times daily. I gathered strength by consoling myself that this sem doesn’t count, and I will perform better the next time (Next sem phod denge :P). In the midsems, I performed really badly in some courses and really good in others. Finally, when the much-awaited mid-semester recess arrived, I spent time at home and introspected a lot. And when I came back to the campus, I gave up everything, literally everything: every club or anything I was part of, to study. (This made facing some people on the campus really difficult over the next few years :P). I don’t know how I managed an SPI of 9.6 and an A in a course in which I had much below-average marks in the midsem. The success of this sem made me realize what actually made me happy. I understood that it is impossible to have everything in life at once- “Kitna bhi try karlo Bunny, life me kuch na kuch to chootega hi.”  But I am glad, I at least tried!

I don’t despise my third semester or wish that the first half of it had never happened. There is nothing I would go back and change. Because, in the words of Ted Mosby, “if I hadn’t gone through hell to get there, the lesson might not have been as clear” (though used in an entirely different context :P). The next four semesters were great- only academic and career pressure (XD). I studied a lot and became very competitive for my grades. I did not take up any POR since then because I felt I didn’t need anything apart from my studies to engage myself. Yes, I became that maggu who started doing “revision” (sometimes even multiple) before an exam! After my SURGE project in the second year summer, I felt strongly about pursuing a career in research and wanted to go for a research internship in the third year. So I didn’t sit for company internships and worked hard to grab a research intern abroad. And after coming from the internship, I applied for higher studies in the 7th sem. Although I summed up the other one and a half years of college in a very few sentences here, which might give one the impression that everything went smoothly. It was actually a combination of many ups and downs, tough decision making, and taking risks. It wasn’t easy to see everyone around me get good internships in the 5th sem, while I didn’t even seem close to getting one till the middle of the 6th sem. It wasn’t easy to give up on the placement drive without telling my parents about my decision to apply for a Ph.D. It wasn’t easy to see people get their dream jobs, while I was still applying to colleges and wasn’t even sure if I would hear back from them anytime soon. I didn’t know what the future held in store for me, while it seemed (at least on the outside) that everyone had their life settled.

Problems went by, but there were a few constants in the variables of my life here- my friends, who were there with me throughout these four years. Astha, Pragya, Bhumika, Smriti, Shreya, Navanya, Shivani, and Ishika- I can’t even tell you what your friendship means. No achievement seemed an achievement unless you appreciated me. No failure seemed to hurt that much when I had your shoulder to cry on. I made big decisions in my life telling you folks first,before telling anybody. You helped me become the person I am today. In these 4 years, I have grown so used to living with you, that it’s difficult to accept that our time together has ended and we have to part ways. Seriously, life in college is unimaginable without our squad! It was so fascinating to see us all grow together and mature. I still remember the words our director said to us during one of the auditorium orientation sessions: “People come here as boys and girls, but leave this place as men and women.” So true!

I want to devote one paragraph to the lessons I learned in IITK based on my personal experience. So that, when I face a similar crisis in my life later, I can look back to this post and relive those lessons. Or anybody, who reads this post, can take something meaningful from it. Firstly, do not let anyone think you cannot achieve something. I had people telling me that I was not good enough and would not get into some colleges, only to crush my spirits. I wish I could tell this to my 7th sem self: Do not let people dictate your thoughts and tell you what you can and cannot do; you’ll get through it, and do great. Secondly, never think that your experiences will remain constant- no failure or success is permanent. That is something I believe IITK teaches you fast, it gives you plenty of room for correction and I learned it in my third semester. And lastly, do not be afraid to take risks for following your heart and passion. This is the place and time to do it. I was terrified about some of the decisions I made, like not sitting for internships and placements and going for higher studies. But all’s well that ends well. Do not overthink because no decision is absolutely good or bad, but once you have made a decision, just stick to it no matter what. 

For a long time, I postponed writing this because I thought my journey was pretty ordinary, and my experiences were pretty much the same as everyone who comes here. But then someone made me realize, there will never be an idiot named Shivali Agrawal again, who lived in C-609, loved to dance, and celebrated every occasion with a pizza. This made me realize, you don’t have to put effort to make your journey unique, because it already is.

This place gave me memories and friends to cherish for a lifetime. “Yaadein mithai ke dabbe ki tarah hoti hai, ek baar khula to sirf ek tukda nahi khaa paoge.” I miss going to the canteen together and singing along to Nora Fatehi songs (there would always be one playing on the TV whenever we went!). I miss pulling pranks and teasing that one member of the group. I miss shouting “Veeras ka tempo high hai” at the top of my lungs, after coming second in group dance in the first year galaxy. I miss getting dressed up and roaming around the campus at 2 am for absolutely no reason, singing friendship songs with my gang. And I’ll always remember how, when we thought we would have “the time of our lives” in the last sem, we had to leave midway. Deep down, we all knew that saying goodbye to this place and the people would be the hardest thing we have had to do. And so, When our “see you soon” turned unexpectedly to “goodbye forever,” it was so bittersweet.

To Y16: We had to end this journey sooner than we thought we would. We’re not sure if we’ll get to meet each other anytime soon. They say time is the most mighty warrior. It destroys everything we do or make, even the most beautiful things in the world. But time cannot fade the strength of our memories. Nothing is ever lost as long as we remember it. A part of us will always be there at IITK, with each other. A few years down the line, we might lose touch, we’ll be in entirely different places, having our jobs and families. But our minds will keep going back to the timeless moments that we spent at IITK. And in that way, we will be there forever!

I thank Vox for bringing this series alive and letting us write our stories.”Kabhi kabhi kuch baatein hamare yaadon ke kamre ki itni khidkiyan khol deti hain, ki hum dang reh jaate hai” – that’s what writing this post did for me.

Written By:- Shivali Agarwal

Edited by:- Hemant Kejriwal