As We Leave… #15

Mohd Abbas Zaidi is an undergraduate in the Electrical Engineering Department from the Y15 batch. Let’s have a look how he sums up his stay at IIT Kanpur as he leaves.

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The past month in the campus has been overwhelming, to say the least. I still remember that I was not able to comprehend why a senior would cry upon seeing his friends leave; Now my friends kept telling me, “Abbas sabse pahle roega!”

I wanted to clarify(from Vox peeps) whether this is an autobiographical piece or one where I get to talk to the reader. I was told it is my choice; I will lean towards the latter.  The reason being that there’s nothing much I can say about myself which people, in general, would find relevant. The struggle we face upon leaving home is not unique to me, and hence it is better to share what I feel than what I went through.

It has been more than a month since I started writing this article. I have wiped off three completely different drafts before writing this one. I will take you through the journey of writing this article itself. I chose this format because it is truly representative of my campus life during the past 4 years, it has all been about making mistakes, going through a low and then coming out of it learning something new. The first draft that I wrote, I wanted to talk about issues- issues which I felt the campus community is apathetic towards. I even made a list out of them. But then I realised that there’s no point giving any fundae. The article was good, but it lacked a ‘central theme’. I wanted to write something better, something meta. Hence came the second draft, trying to make the reader realise that most of what we do is based on the influence of the people we live with, and there is little or no conscious thought involved in a majority of our decisions. This was better, some of it did manage to survive till the final draft(which you will read later). I finally realised that although it was good, it was artificially constructed in order to come up with something good, something which the reader finds interesting to read.

The past week stands out in terms of self-introspection. Being idle is not really my thing, and hence when I got some completely free time after months, I started to revisit whatever I had done in the campus in the past 4 years. Now that I look back at the past week, it was a downward spiral of negativity which I went into, but it helped me realise a lot of things. The third and final draft was written during this phase. It was an extremely self-admonishing piece which enlisted things which I thought I could have done better in the college, from counselling service to interaction with wingmates, to how I behaved with my friends. In the end, I had decided that owing to the number of mistakes I had committed, the only way in which I could possibly write an article was to pose as the recovered addict who would advise the general populace why not consume harmful substances. I shared it with a few people, only to be chided about the extremes to which I went. Around the same time, I got a few messages from juniors who told me how they felt that I had had an impact on their lives on the campus. I realised that in spite of all the ‘hagaps’, and ‘things not done’, people had managed to extract some positivity. I also realised that it is important to appreciate what one has done, along with pondering upon what he/she could do. And that it is important to forgive oneself, to be able to focus on the coming days. More so, if things are no longer in your hand.

I was back at square one, trying to find something relevant. I decided that there is no point in writing an article for the sake of it, and hence there wouldn’t be any. I informed the Vox people about it. I had realised that during most of our conversations, what we present is a morphed image of ourselves, based on our ideal images of self, or what will be best liked by others, i.e. our ought self. I did not want to do that in this piece. So if there were to be an article, it should be what I feel, and not what I want others to feel about me. I strongly felt that the article itself had been a learning experience, and what I’ve learnt here is something I should share with everyone. And as a result, I have been told that this seems to be more of ‘As we weave “as we leave” ’ than ‘as we leave’.

So for this time[on Vox], and possibly the last(on campus), let me be completely honest with you. Let me not talk about issues taking a moral high, when I myself have done nothing to better the situation. Let me be against the ‘evils’ while recognising that ‘being against them’ is not the final step. Let me admit that although I talk about being against ragging, I myself enjoyed some parts of it during my first year and did not speak up against it on various occasions in my second. Let me share my insecurities, let me be honest. When I ask people to not celebrate success in a way which makes others feel bad, I myself have learnt it by making others feel bad, and hence there is no point making a this vs that, supporter vs opposer, or CS vs Gymkhana divide on every issue. The issue arises when you want to portray to others or yourself that you lie on one of the other extremes. I will avoid doing that here. I will not create more binaries, only to leave you with the dilemma of having to choose one of them, because an As We Leave written by a (half +𝝐) student is very different from (one – 𝝐), both being one in the binary view.

The only binary which stays strong is that you need to respect the basic rights of everyone(including yourself). Other than that, there is a level of subjectivity to almost everything you’ll come across. The problem with creating dichotomies is that it creates boundaries, which are difficult to conquer. My first galaxy event was in my last semester, I’m lucky I actually had one, there are so many opportunities which I missed due to negligence. Having preconceived notions about courses/ professors/ clubs/ students bodies on the campus will only help you justify why you are not working as hard as you could. Although you are free to take your decisions, this liberty is futile if you are not well-informed. Don’t let the crowd around you decide what courses you do, or which classes you attend(if any), or what clubs you work in. Know yourself well to realise which habits you would want to retain, and what new ones you need to learn. In short, you should try to be in control of your life in the truest sense.

You should either be in full control of your life or be in the company of people who you think would have a positive influence on you. If I look back at the schedule I followed, or rather the absence of one, or the efforts I had put in, I have managed to end up better than what I deserved to be. A lot of it can be attributed to constant support from my family and friends- friends who provided honest feedback constantly. The campus life is such a subjective experience that you cannot look up to a senior and repeat what he did to obtain similar results. Instead, one needs to go meta and look at the processes people use to keep themselves organised and self-aware. Go out, take a few steps based on whatever you know, falter, and then back propagate your errors to see what went wrong.

In spite of all the regrets, if I look back at the person who came into this campus 4 years ago, I think I am really grateful for what I have today. I have a few really great friends, I managed to maintain a pretty good academic record on the campus. I have learnt a lot from faculty members, and I am sure that I will stay in touch with most of them even after I leave. Although I could not do justice to the positions I held, I was lucky to have worked with a number of student bodies on the campus, counselling service being the best among those. However, I am really glad that none of it came at the cost of my academics or relations with my family. Academics will always remain the ‘necessary but not sufficient’ 1 which you need, in order to give true value to your ‘0’s, which are the other involvements in the campus.  If you think that you can manage your academics well, you should definitely volunteer for the student bodies on the campus that interest you. More than anything, this will definitely serve as a unique part of your campus experience and you’ll end up learning something new.

Having talked to a number of seniors, I feel that the biggest change we will probably witness is that our lives will never be as vibrant in the future. I’ve heard this from students, seniors and professors. The campus is largely a utopia, an incubation centre with very little risks involved as compared to the outside world. The campus allows you to have a different point of view, to tread along the road not taken and be whatever you want. It lets you be free of the multiple identities given to you by the outside world, and think like a human above anything else. Such liberty would naturally lead to a lot of diversity, which we observe, but not everywhere. I myself am a part of the herd in many ways. I would not tell you what to do specifically, but I will repeat the age-old advice of not sitting back in your room and exploring the campus, which is there to stay relevant forever, sadly.

The things that I will remember the most is the night outs we pulled-off at the CS Office while planning the orientation, the discussions with friends while looking at the stars in OAT, eating rolls at 3, a change of fortune during the last minute of an event during Techkriti, the painfully long meetings with professors which I hope had some impact on student lives. How can I forget the Sikkim trip! Had this been an autobiographical piece, I would have talked about my friends from EE, counselling service, my wing-mates, my bachchas. But I guess, a lot more has been said during the silent stares while waiting for their taxis to arrive. A lot more was heard in the eerie silence when no one spoke while roaming around the campus during the last days. I promised to be honest, and hence I will end this by extending apologies and gratitude to all of them!

A Big thank you for being there(including the future)!