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In this 33rd edition of As We Leave, Tarun Goyal, a Y21 student from the Department of Mathematics and Scientific Computing, reflects on a journey marked not by certainty, but by constant rediscovery. From the chaos of choices to the quiet clarity of solitude, his years at IIT Kanpur unfolded through missteps, resets, and moments of stillness that often said more than any milestone. This AWL is a quiet ode to false starts, found friendships, abandoned paths, and the quiet courage it takes to begin again — and again — until something finally fits.
Disclaimer:- The views presented below are the author’s own and are not in any manner representative of the views of Vox Populi as a body or IIT Kanpur in general. This is an informal account of the author’s experiences at IITK.
If you actually know me, you probably know about the random rooftops. Or the trips I take alone. That wasn’t always me — it’s something I grew into, almost out of necessity. I needed space to figure things out without the noise. IIT Kanpur gave me too many options, and somehow I always picked the right one, but only at the very end. That’s why I don’t want to write just another timeline. This is more about the things that didn’t work, the things that almost did, and the ones that finally did — after a few wrong turns.
My admission to IIT Kanpur wasn’t just about placements — it was also about the kind of exposure and space to grow that I wouldn’t get at IIIT Hyderabad cse. After a rough school life, I told myself I’d start over and finally make some good friends. And I did — plenty of friends. But like many of my other attempts, the effort was there but the intent wasn’t clear. Most of the friends I made initially were superficial and incompatible. I held on to the quote: “Everyone’s friend is no one’s friend.” I was trying to find people without really knowing why. It took me 2 semesters to realise this. Once I did, I started again, and eventually found the people who actually mattered. From then till the end of college, I never felt the need for more. I chose wrong. Then I chose again. And then, finally, I chose right
As outrageous as it might sound, I realised most PORs are just glorified event management. Not all, but most. And while that may serve others well, it didn’t serve me. I learnt that the hard way. With the push of seniors and the rats in the race, I stacked up 10 PORs in my second year. I remember my experience as a company coordinator. Cold winters, flickering tube light, a single steel chair, and the weight of those ten PORs on my back — I remember that version of me. He didn’t know how to stop. I was burnt out. Back at square one, but with another lesson: what not to do. The only roles that came with more than just logistics were being SG and AM. I got to interact with people, make changes that actually mattered. So I chose to become CTM Academics — the one POR I genuinely loved, respected, and still do. A fairy-tale ending to a hell of a journey.
The final trial that I wanna talk about is placements. I began working towards it by doing the conventional tasks– DSA, probability, Machine learning etc. I landed a quantitative researcher internship which is what I’d aimed for. Towards the end of my third year, before I even began it, I had already started questioning my decision of going into corporate. My manager helped me pursue research more. Let’s just say, being around him made me realise what could go wrong in corporate — and how quietly it could happen. I realised that once I was in too deep, I might not be able to make decisions for myself anymore. With a heavy heart, I did not sit for placements and prepared for my applications to study mathematics. I applied to various places and received 5 offers. Two of them were masters at University of Cambridge and ETH Zurich. The rest were fully funded PhD offers from PSU, NUS and IU Bloomington.
My whole college life, I was constantly trying to fit in. It took multiple failures to realise what I didn’t want. And now, I sit with an empty mind, crisscrossing the various options I have left for life. That’s what college was for me — a loop of falling and restarting. With every failure, IIT Kanpur gave me another chance to make things right. I’m as blessed as any of you, with countless opportunities to start over. What I’m trying to say is that sometimes we’re too hard on ourselves for what didn’t work out. But aren’t we always doing what feels right in the moment? It’s only too late if you give up. And I’ll say this with pride: I took all the possible roads — there wasn’t one I left untaken. And that, truly, has made all the difference.
Now, I don’t think I’ll be able to do justice to my journey here with just one article. I’ve made so many lasting connections, and I’m really grateful for all of them. Looking back as I leave, it feels numbingly overwhelming to see so many memories.
At the end of the day, it was always the ordinary nights spent with friends, the talks over lattes at CCD, rushing to lecture halls, praying before exams to just let it be good this time, and the anxiety attacks I went through. It was my friends, my room (I’ll attach a picture) and the crazy beauty of our psychedelic campus.
As I leave, I leave behind my defense mechanism I built over the years, heading out to build new ones. But I carry with me all the people and moments to wherever I go next, to the next place I’ll eventually leave.
Written by: Tarun Goyal
Edited by: Dhriti Barnwal, Anubha J
Designed by: Pankhuri Sachan, Pragya Puri
