I always write methodically, professionally, afraid to let my feelings show. In this AWL, I will try to pen down my thoughts as they come, unfiltered. I have been reading all the AWLs Vox released since my first year, and the AWLs I enjoyed reading the most were the ones which offered a window into the writer’s mind, the ones which told the story of a person, of their campus experience. I intend to write a similar AWL. A story of my three and a half years here, consisting of anecdotes, some unsolicited advice, and more importantly, my emotions. I do not remember my years here in a linear fashion; some instances stand out more than others. If I sit back and think about what I remember– it’s random things– getting locked on the OAT rooftop with two other idiots yelling ‘ghost, ghost!,  listening to Ed Sheeran’s Subtract album on loop in KD during the intern-prep summer, late night ice-cream at Doaa canteen in study ‘breaks’, getting ready with the wing during fests, endless yap sessions at CCD. I am also more inclined to remember the highs than the lows. Perhaps that’s why my heart is full with the memories I made in my last semester here. 

I have prided myself in being someone fairly emotionally detached from places and things. Unlike my friends, I didn’t feel ‘senti’ or nostalgic during the last fest, or farewell, or the batch shoots, or even on the last day of classes. I felt a little guilty, too, for not feeling like I will miss this place or the people. I now realise that I was in denial. I don’t believe that this is the end. Every time an event occurs, my mind finds solace in the fact that at least we have that next thing planned. After attending the last “thing”, sitting at the airport waiting to board the flight back home, I have nothing to look forward to. And that’s when it hits, the sentimentality, the nostalgia, the feeling of leaving a piece of yourself behind in a place, and taking a piece of everyone you loved back with you. 

Recency bias plays a big role in me feeling so fondly towards this place, as I can confidently say that my 8th semester here was probably the best four months of my life. My journey here was far from linear, with me experiencing a myriad of emotions. I had started off as an ignorant kid, determined to leave her nerd self behind, and become ‘cool’. I blatantly ignored academics in the online semester, I didn’t even have a benchmark on what a good CPI was. I remember asking a friend during the first ESC101 class if ‘hard code’ meant using ‘harder’ code for a simple task :). After coming to campus, I started caring a lot more about having the best college experience ever. I was determined to make a bunch of friends ‘for life’, determined to balance studying and making memories (they are not mutually exclusive, I realised much later). I even bought into the mindset of a few seniors I interacted with initially: “acads toh hota rehta hai, make sure you do something worthwhile in your time here”. As a result, I stepped a little too much out of my comfort zone and allowed people to come much closer to me than I was comfortable with. I blindly followed the ‘in’ things to do: study all night the day before exams, join all the clubs you can, don’t attend classes. This bit me in the back (quite heavily, I must add). By the end of my third semester, I had dug myself into a deep academic hole, I felt suffocated in my friendships, and as a result withdrew fully, I stopped working for all the clubs I had joined. One great decision I made, however, was to apply to be a student guide. The 9 days of orientation were the highlight of that semester. The winter break after the third semester was spent doing almost nothing at home; I had even given up hope on preparing for the upcoming internship season. 

I remember less the consequent semesters. Determined to do well in courses, I became antisocial, interacting with very few people, and started attending all classes. A “Complex Analysis” course I had to take in my fifth semester, a particular professor I started working with, a friend I made in my fourth semester, collectively helped me get out of this rut, although they probably don’t know it. I started enjoying math (just enough to get myself to study), actively started figuring out what I wanted to do in life, and started making new friends. I even went on my first college trip to Goa! I had always wanted to go for higher studies, but I had always restrained myself, thinking it almost impossible with my grades. However, I regained optimism after a few semesters of better performance, and somewhere in the 6th semester, I started toying with this idea again. Halfway into my corporate internship, I made the decision to apply to PhD programs in Statistics, and that summer was the busiest I had ever been–working on projects, learning skills, preparing for the GRE, exploring Mumbai, and working just enough to justify my stipend :). My last semester was the zenith of my days here. I went on a trek with my equally unfit wingies, had a little too much fun in Techkriti 😉 , peaked academically, got into my dream program, and most importantly, I found a bunch of people, who I care about enough to make a serious effort to keep in my life. 

Having experienced every possible emotion, from heartbreak to finding new love, losing friends and gaining new ones, seriously considering dropping out and joining a local college to making the decision to pursue (and hopefully complete) a PhD, trying to change my personality to fit in, to abandoning that and living the way I want and eventually finding people with whom hanging out felt effortless. Sleeping at 11 pm and faking headaches to avoid 12 am birthday celebrations to pulling all-nighters with friends, picking up multiple PoRs in a semester and abandoning them all to work on my abysmal grades. Religiously running home every break to planning multiple trips a semester (and running home on long weekends because some things don’t change), begging a prof relentlessly for three semesters to give me a project to end up publishing with her, not attending classes to pursuing professors even in office hours and back to not attending classes in my last semester, I feel like I’ve had my fair share of college ‘experiences,’ regardless of whether they conform to others’ ideas of ‘worthwhile’. Do I have regrets? Yes. I wish I had been smarter about managing my academics, I could have been more involved in the clubs I was a part of. I wish I had explored the campus more. I wish I had performed in at least one ME. But eh, you win some, you lose some. It’s all part of the story. 

If anything, these years here have taught me that coolness is subjective, and running behind an arbitrary definition of ‘cool’ does no good at all. There is no set-in-stone bucket list of things one “must” do at IITK to truly live the ‘college experience’. You make your own bucket list, and each is as good as the other. You write your own story. Advice from seniors and professors is highly personal and what works for one mostly doesn’t for another. All you can do is listen to this advice, make what you can of it, and try to do your best. Be comfortable with yourself. The confidence you get when you don’t have to pretend to be someone you’re not is worth it. One last piece of advice, or rather observation I will share, is that seeking help shamelessly has no loss and potentially infinite rewards. Go ask that professor to explain that proof, ask that topper to share their notes, ask seniors about what clubs to join, what internships to apply for, ask that friend to help you drape your saree. Not only will your effort be reduced, you might just find a bond for life. 

I entered IITK an ignorant kid, desperate to leave her nerd self behind, and I am leaving IITK an ignorant adult embracing herself the way she is, and ready to make her fair share of mistakes in another country.