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In this 25th edition of As We Leave, Aniruddh Pramod, a Y21 BS student from the Department of Mathematics and Scientific Computing, writes a heartfelt letter to his past and future self.
Through candid reflections on self-worth, bold choices, lost friendships, and quiet victories, he captures the messy, beautiful process of growing up at IIT Kanpur. From discovering unexpected passions to navigating burnout and learning when to slow down, his journey is deeply personal yet widely relatable for all of us.
Disclaimer:- The views presented below are the author’s own and are not in any manner representative of the views of Vox Populi as a body or IIT Kanpur in general. This is an informal account of the author’s experiences at IITK.
You’ve graduated. 4 years are done. You’re 21 now. It feels strange, to reach the boundary of adulthood and realise how fuzzy it all feels now that you’re standing on the line. You’ve done a pretty good job too. You went abroad for the first time. You made a lot of friends, lost a lot of them too. You made mistakes, and did so many things right. You’ve survived, … thrived even. There is no such thing as a life with no regrets, but I would be hard-pressed to make better decisions than you did. Of course, there’s no ‘you’ here. You haven’t invented time-travel yet.
But I write this in hope that it will reach some version of you. Some version of you that is just beginning their journey. It will be some version of you that isn’t me. But I hope that these little notes will help you in your journey in some way.
One. All of this? It’s going to be about you. These 4 years are going to be about you growing into yourself. You’ll see what makes you beautiful, you’ll see what makes you ugly. And you’ll make peace with it. But none of this will happen unless you allow it to. Unless you push yourself and try out new things and listen to yourself. Nobody’s going to ask you to. It’s not required to graduate either. But it will be the difference between living your life with satisfaction and being trapped in what-ifs and FOMO.
And I’ll be honest, I still mess up sometimes. I still have a lot of things that I hate about myself that I really could be more grateful about. But, the journey of self-love is one that has no end, and I can assure you that I have been walking on it. In these 4 years I did learn so much about my identity, and I did embrace so much of it, even if there are still parts that I’m embarrassed about. And some of it is serious, and some of it is quite silly. Some things I had to learn after repeated lessons, while others I was happy to accept in an instant. Oh and by the way, you’re going to be so proud of our closet.
Two. There will be times where you are going against the flow. There will be times where other people will be quite strongly against your ideas. Understand that this is okay. The path of the majority will not always be the best path for you. The best path for you might have a lot of opposition, maybe a lot of resistance. Maybe it ends up being extremely lonely. But those signals don’t immediately mean that it is the wrong path. It will feel all too easy to get absorbed into what everyone else is doing, but resist it. At the very least, don’t dismiss a path just because you are the only one on it.
Believe me, this one is easy to write down in hindsight, but absolutely terrifying to actually follow. We did not come to college with any idea of what we wanted to do in the future, other than the fact that computers will be a part of it in some way or another. And in the process of figuring it out, sometimes what I wanted just went against conventional knowledge. I refused to do CP because I hated the way it made me feel about programming. I refused to go to the US, and so I applied only to Europe for my master’s. Things could go wrong, but I’ve found that the regret of not having tried something always stings harder than the regret of trying it and then failing. I suppose in the latter, at least I have the satisfaction of choosing my own demise, but the former leaves you trapped in endless hypotheticals.
Three. You don’t know what you like. No seriously, you don’t. Don’t let preconceived notions stop you from trying out things properly. It’s okay to not have an idea about what you’ll like. It takes years to figure it out. You’ll meet people who completely change their careers when they’re 30. You’ll meet people who’ve known what they wanted since they were 5. Take your time. Try anything you are interested in, and give it a wholehearted shot. I’d rather you go all in on everything you try, and figure out a year later that you really don’t like it than be too scared to walk a path just because you may not like what you find at the end of it. You’re still a kid. It’s okay for your preferences to be chaotic. And there will never be a better time to figure it all out.
Rock climbing ended up becoming one of my favourite sports, and I could never have imagined it playing out this way. I was (and still am) such a tennis snob. But this one time in Bangkok, I didn’t say no to a friend who invited me, and now I hate the fact that there’s no climbing wall near my home. You’d be surprised at the variety of experiences you can have if you can tell your social anxiety to chill out for a bit and just say yes. And I still have my asocial phases and my sure-why-not phases, but I am glad I’ve been pushing myself in that department. I’d say my academics have also been an exercise in finding out new interests, but I would be lying. Somehow 12th grade me would have likely picked out the exact same courses that I have done. Maybe things will be different in Oxford? I’m still learning what I like. There’s so many things that I’m still excited to try soon. But I am perfectly satisfied by the kinds of things IITK gave me a safe space to try out. And I hope you’ll make the most of it too 🙂
Four. Be conscious of your choices. Sometimes they get overwhelming. Sometimes that makes you delay the decision. But realise that in most cases, if you don’t make the choice in time, then time will make the choice for you. Sometimes, you don’t even know that there are choices you are making. When you choose to add more workload on your plate, know that maybe you’re taking away time that was previously going to selfcare, or maybe towards being a good friend – And that might be the right decision, but make sure you’re aware of the choices you make. I hope you are never stabbed in the back by the consequence of your action. And perhaps more importantly I hope that you never hurt someone as the result of not being conscious of your choices.
It can be surprisingly easy to point out, but hard to recognise when you’re doing it yourself. The biggest weakness of my tenure as a leader was probably right here. I was so single-mindedly focused on my role as a mentor that I kind of let other things slip away – my academics, my hobbies, my growth, and even… the other parts of being a leader? I didn’t realise at the time that this was a choice that I made without choosing. Being a club leader sometimes does feel like you just have one big thing coming after another. It can make you feel like there’s not enough time. I just kept telling myself that I’ll get to the other things right after this next big event – but that just never came. So I hope you remember to track the train of time, lest 4 years run through you instead of letting you run through them.
Five. As you become an adult, perfectionism becomes less and less important. It’s going to become more about making decisions that are 80% right, 80% of the time, as fast as possible. Perfectionism can still have its place, but for the most part, it’s time to accept some amount of approximation. And do this everywhere else too. Stop waiting until you have a perfect take to post that piano recording. Don’t be so hard on yourself when you put effort into something and it doesn’t feel like the product reflects it. You know how much of yourself you put into it. The right people will see and appreciate you for it. And what the wrong people say will not matter.
This is definitely a lesson best learnt at Optiver. It is one of the things that being a trader is all about. It boils down to being just a little less self conscious. Other people will never see your work as closely as you do, the world is just far too self-obsessed for that. And those glaring flaws that will keep you up at night may be perfectly invisible to most people who see them. So when you get tired of your inner critic, tell it to shut up, hit submit, and go to sleep. I promise the world will still be spinning the next day. The piano cover that would never be perfect enough for us will still become your best friend’s favourite ringtone. The art that might look tacky in your hands just might actually look great at a distance. And if I’m being honest, there is an acute shortage of people who are proud of the effort they put into something. And while it is not the flashiest tribe to be a part of, it’s definitely one worth being proud about.
Six. Take those risks. Make bold moves. You’re still in college, you’ve got a whole life ahead of you, so why act as if everything has already been decided? So what if you don’t make it. So what if things go wrong. You can patch it up, you can figure it out. You still have time to fall back completely on the ground and try one more time. Don’t let the fear of failure stop you from finding out all the things you might be great at. It’s not about winning every single bet you make. It is about winning most of them. Don’t take this to mean that you should go big every single time. Try to stay a little outside the safety zone most of the time, and keep watch for when there is a chance to go big.
Honestly though? I don’t think anyone who knows me would describe me as a risk-taker. They’ll probably tell you that I calculate to the last detail. That I have plans A through Z, and probably even all the way through the greek letters. So I must say I feel a little preachy saying all this(to be fair I feel preachy about this entire ordeal). But whenever I did let things go a little spontaneous, campus always had a soft landing spot for me. Whether it was in terms of people to cry on, or just the cozy corner in CCD I could always come back to ground myself in. When I felt lost in terms of my career, there were people I could ask to help me find the rails again. When I felt lost in terms of academics is when I met the most esoteric but delightful professors I could have met. And if I felt lost in terms of everything, just walking around campus at night made me feel whole again. So if I were to get a do-over, this is what I would be trying to do.
Seven. In your pursuit of greatness, remember to do good. IIT is a place of dreams. It’s a place that sees your ambition and dares you to double it. But it is a place I remember through bits of conversations. I implore you to dream big, and keep dreaming bigger. But I beg that you don’t forget to encourage others to dream too. And sure, maybe most people will only end up remembering you if you get an amazing placement package, or if you win laurels at the InterIITs. But you’ll also be remembered by the friend you were there for when they really needed you. You’ll be remembered for helping that junior out when they were panicking about their life or depressed with their intern season. So make time for the little things, to help people out, and to listen to them, even as you tread on towards becoming chaapu.
Who knew that such a beautiful piece of advice would come from an animated show created by a video game developer? Actually, I did? Video games always manage to surprise me with extremely deep messages and stellar advice? I don’t think I’m a good person to make this point. But whatever. There is no personal memory to connect this to, since this is advice I encountered much towards the end of my journey, but I can explain what it makes me think of. It makes me think of random acts of kindness. It makes me think about the times where a senior pushed me to do something he knew I’d enjoy, and the times where I sat with a friend for hours just listening to everything that was wrong with their life. A lot of people have been very kind to me when I expected it the least, and I hope I was that person to a lot of people too. This bit of advice is why I am so glad to have had the privilege of leading a club. I may not have grown much in terms of technical skills, but I really did like being able to mentor and give back to the community, even if I couldn’t do it on a large scale. And I know that there were at least a few juniors whose lives I did impact in a positive way. Some within the club, some through the club, and some in ways I still laugh about. If nothing else, I know that there are 4 kids who succeeded me as coordinators (nope, not leaders), and their achievements will always make me proud. And this feeling will always be one that I cherish.
Eight. You’ll make a lot of friends, and you’ll lose a lot of friends. As you figure out the person you’re growing into, you might recognise that your existing friends don’t actually make you a better person, or don’t fit into your lifestyle anymore, or maybe they just don’t actually have much in common with you now. And that can be scary, but it’s okay, it’s part of growth. It can feel like you are doing something wrong. It can feel like they’re doing something wrong. And yet sometimes, the best thing to do in such a situation is to let them go. To love someone (or even something) is to accept that there may come a heartbreaking goodbye – so when it is time to bid adieu, don’t run away from it.
This is the lesson that I seem to absolutely refuse to learn. Funny thing is that life will keep teaching you the lessons that you don’t learn. I think that when we feel comfortable with someone we just start putting so much of ourselves into them, and then we struggle to accept that the growth that comes from all of this, doesn’t necessarily have to be convergent at all. And that’s actually beautiful in its own way. The love we send out doesn’t just get trapped in a short back and forth, it spreads out and grows and reaches so many more people and so many more places. And it’ll find its way back to you, in a different form. So love fiercely. Make sure everyone you care about knows how much they mean to you. And if time comes to part ways, then do it with a smile. The little time you got to spend together was really the point all along.
Nine. Know when you need to slow down. And I’m only telling you this because I know you tend to overwork yourself. I know that when you really want something you’ll stop at nothing to get it. I know you’ll use your passion as an excuse to burn yourself out completely. But sometimes, you need to stop and look around at the life you’re building for yourself just so you can keep going ahead. It’s up to you to figure out when you can take it light, no grand signals from the cosmos will tell you that it is a good time. In fact, it never is a ‘good’ time, maybe you do miss out on opportunities because you took a break, and sometimes you need to take one anyway. Because unless you take them, you will not be able to catch the big ones anyways. An endless hustle can give you a lot of things, but it is also a guaranteed train to burnout. So learn to manage the hustle, and step away from things that take away your ability to manage it.
One of my fondest memories was my first cab ride in Bangkok, from the airport to my hostel. Nothing about it was extraordinary, but it was my first time abroad, and looking out of that cab was when it really hit me. How the roads looked the same as home, but the cars didn’t. In those wee hours of early morning, a year of hard work suddenly felt so incredibly worth it. And that’s all I ask you to do. Just look around you sometimes. Look at the people you have, look at the places you are in, and let yourself feel the joy of having reached that point in your life. Let gratitude seep into you from time to time. And when life is tough and it feels like there is nothing to be grateful about, I hope this campus will still give you things you can feel happy to be a part of.
And Finally. Ten. You’ll make it. You’ve been through worse, and maybe there are horrors beyond my imagination up in the road ahead. But we’ll get through. That’s our thing. We always do. Did we not make it here after all? If you believe in it enough, the universe will conspire to give it to you. So keep faith in yourself, trust your gut, and you’ll be just fine. You’ll meet some amazing people and see some amazing sights, and perhaps most importantly – grow up to be someone you can be proud of, in more ways than one.
I have your back, me. I know you won’t exactly be able to reach out to me when you need it, and I know that the road ahead will make it so hard to keep believing in how much you’re capable of. But I promise you that you have what it takes. I almost never admit it to myself but, you are an absolutely amazing person, and I am so glad to be you. No matter what path you forge for yourself, know that I will never be disappointed.
Here’s to the end of my journey here, and the beginning of your new one.
Written by: Aniruddh Pramod
Edited by: Aaryan Maheshwari, Lavanya Srivastava
Designed by: Pankhuri Sachan, Pragya Puri
I just sat there, staring at my screen, for a few minutes after I finished reading it. That indescribable feeling you get after reading a profound book or quote, that’s exactly what I’m feeling right now